THE VOICES SAID, "DON'T PAINT THAT BLOODY MIRROR!"

So since the last time I pawed something to you guys, a whole two months ago now, I have joined a doggie nunnery! This is because I was turning into a hussy with all the gentleman pooches in my village. Sometimes my boyfriends are so young that I could start my own advice phone in entitled, “How To Pull A Toy Boy - By The Village’s Hottest Cougar!” I’m available This Morning team should you require my extensive skills and knowledge. However Mama J said I had to calm myself down and stop giving the furry guys in my life the glad eye and refrain from sticking my tongue out at every opportune moment, otherwise I would be getting a ‘reputation’ for myself. In my most humble defence, it is summer so what’s a girl to do but pant? Also the young hairy ones are cute, so yes Mama J, I’ll pant some more. 
   Anyway I saw Mama J’s tongue firmly outside of her mouth whilst we were watching Poldark on catch up this morning as Ross (Aidan Turner) was strolling masterfully out of the sea wearing his Long John’s. Okay so it was slightly more of a James Bond style turn on than I’m describing here I promise you. Anyhow I think you can see where I get it from now people! She’s a giddy mare just like me!
This past weekend I have been supervising Granny and Grandpa with their decorating exploits. Yes, I’m the one cracking the paint brush and barking, “Paint faster! I demand fuss, love and attention!” Not only have I been barking orders but if I don’t get my hourly fuss, I’ve learnt to take myself off to the spot of halfway down the stairs Muppet style and whine for dramatic attention grabbing effect. Works every time as Granny normally comes looking for me and asks me the burning question of, “Elsie what are you doing up there sweetheart?” Then I give my most endearing look and get a cuddle. Result!

Now my managerial role has been made more difficult by the fact that Grandpa is hellbent on injuring himself within his everyday life plus his sporting endeavours. He came home from his karate class on Saturday morning with not one, not two but seven individual injuries. Not bad going for an hour long class. At least the poor guest characters on Casualty only normally end up with one ailment per episode. With Grandpa the Holby medics would have an absolute field day. The worst injury he sustained, this time was to his knee when he was drop kicked by another member of the group. I didn’t know Eric Cantona had kept up with his kicking sessions and was training at Grandpa’s class. Anyway King Eric sure caused a stir at Soccer Aid last night recalling his leg swinging action in an interview with a shocked looking Kirsty Gallacher! 
   However Grandpa’s karate injuries are nothing compared to his back injury from the other week. He was sat down on the floor painting (oh dear this doesn’t sound good seen as he is up a ladder as I type) a mirror and suddenly yelped out in pain. Granny thought he’d cramped his foot but oh no he had pulled his back.
   After ten minutes of him assessing the damage… Initial consultation over, this was bad! Granny tried to help him up. I was on hand to give a few motivational looks. Well, I thought my stroll filled optimistic face with the word ‘walk’ plastered on it would perhaps be just what the doctor ordered? No, not helpful Elsie, back inside I go to bark at the lorries passing by the window instead of trying to be the next inspirational guru. I may have to do some work on being Oprah of the dog world then?
   Mama J came home from work to find Grandpa firmly laid up on the sofa. He only moved for comfort breaks and tummy filling activities. On the rare occasion he did venture off the couch, he then had to circumnavigate his way back into a seating position. This was done by facing the sofa, then flipping his body around and launching himself strategically backwards. Don’t you able bodied people try this at home, you may cause yourself an injury! Mama J thought this manoeuvre was so strange she very bluntly but ever so amusingly enquired, “Where are you going? You’re facing the wrong way!” I thought Granny was going to explode with tears of laughter at this point and Grandpa was frozen by the sheer funniness and indeed painfulness of the question/statement. What’s a poor Grandpa to do to get some relief around here? Don’t paint mirrors or get drop kicked perhaps would be good start!

Now Hollyoaks are never ones to shy away from controversy in their storyline selection but I honestly thought Mama J was taking Alfie’s schizophrenia theme to heart, when she announced that the television was talking to her the other week. 

   The commentary of voices began in an episode of Hollyoaks with a woman describing what was happening on screen and then continued when a man’s voice took over the role in the following recorded programme of Emmerdale. At first Mama J thought it was Hollyoaks being clever with their mental health awareness campaign, as they are at the cutting edge of highlighting issues in a creative and uniquely brilliant way. Then when Emmerdale was laced with descriptive words it was time to call in the big guns of Granny to see whether she could hear the voices too. Granny looked at Mama J a little alarmingly at first and then came downstairs to see what all the fuss was about. She listened and indeed what Ross Barton was doing was being described in annoyingly minute detail and had to be stopped. Who are you going to call Granny? The A Team or Ghostbusters? Granny plonked for Google as she realised that Grandpa had inadvertently knelt on the remote control the previous evening and summoned the voices all three of us were hearing coming from the TV set. Dr. Google had the answer and normal none audio commentary service of watching Emmerdale description free was resumed!


1 comment:

  1. What is it wiv our Mum's drooooling over the TeeVees set over that Mr Poldark bloke eh? Its just sooo embarrassing isn't it...and then its YOU what gets called a hussey!?!? It doesn't make sense to me Elsie
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

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