TURNING THE HAIR TINKY-WINKY PURPLE!

Mama J’s shower took on somewhat child like realms this morning. No, she hasn’t bought herself a rubber duck and started quacking like Donald. Nor has she found the showering equivalent of Mr Matey Bubble Bath on Boots shelves and thought she’d recapture bath time memories from her youth. Although I’m reckoning she has the potential to add another ten minutes onto her morning routine should she invest in these splashing activities. Now that really would mean she was in her ensuite all morning instead of just the usual hour and a half! Not that I’m saying she’s high maintenance. Heaven for bid, I’ll never get another doggie treat again if I start making those sort of accusations. No, her and Granny just like to gas while they are getting ready to set about the tasks of their day!
   So her shower turned into a purple version of The Incredible Hulk minus the rippling muscles and rage issues that would need a full on team of therapists to rectify. This is all thanks to Mama J’s new shampoo, which is looking after her newly light blonde bombshell hair colour. In between Mama J’s cooing of, “Oh my giddy Aunt Mary. I’m purple!” I could hear Prince’s ‘Purple Rain’ running around and around my overactive imagination. He only wanted to see you dancing in the purple rain. Well, Mama J thought we were all going to see her glowing in the purple dry! 
   With any new haircare product Mama J always goes a little bit over the top with her usage and this time was no exception. Her hands were full on purple and then the excess shampoo was running down her wet purple foamed body and all over the purple shower door, purple once white tiles and you’ve guess it, purple floor! All I could hear then was, “I’m going to come out looking like a Teletubbie!” Then her singing, “Tinky-Winky! Dipsy! Laa Laa and Po! Oh no! Teletubbies say HELLO!” 
   Fortunately once Mama J stepped out of the shower in-between her nails was the only part of her body where the remnants of the residual shampoo remained. Mama J’s Barney look was all but gone and she wasn’t going to have to go around all day looking like a Smurf dip dyed with purple paint. That’s such a shame as I do like the colour aubergine!
I thought Grandpa was going to blow a gasket and give himself a hernia last night. He was so enraged I thought he was going to throw his glass of Merlot across the living room at one point. What a crime against wine? Call the alcohol police someone before the carpet gets arrested by it! Was it the news about the attacks in Syria? Had one of Donald Trump’s Twitter rants sent him over the edge? Has he started getting passionate about football right at the end of the season and was disappointed that the team he had decided to support lost? Was he cross about animal abuse? No, to all of the above deeply troubling first world issues. This anger was over something far more upsetting than these problems. It was about BBC One’s ‘The Big Painting Challenge!’
   Grandpa is a very good artist and in his time has painted some famous landmarks, a cartoon car with myself, Marble, the families Cocker Spaniel at the time and Cedric, Mama J’s former rabbit in it and he’s also painted parts of the village where we live for community based charity auctions. However last night he took umbrage at the “artists” lack of artistic know how. He started ranting, “Look at that! They can’t even paint a f***ing dog!” Followed by, “What a hell is that meant to be?” They were trying to paint a woodland scene, which for some of the contestants was a simple challenge definitely too far! This was all under the tutorship of their mentors, who may I add set Grandpa off even further? “I couldn’t bloody stand being on this programme with those two “teaching” me to paint with my bloody knickers!” Well, one of the mentors looks and dresses like one of the Super Mario Bros., so I see Grandpa point that he hardly looks credible but would make an excellent guest at a fancy dress party, where computer game characters were the order of the day.
   Anyway Granny and Mama J were rolling around the sofa laughing, I was barking at the dogs they were unsuccessfully trying to paint and Grandpa was searching the Internet to look for an application form for next years series so he can go beat up Mario. Should make for entertaining telly when he pops up dressed as Bowser, King of the Koopa!





BOXING'S NEW GREAT HAS A BREW, LISTENS TO 'ED SHEERAN' ALL BY THE POWER OF GREY SKULL!

We were all happy Easter bunnies yesterday morning after the excellent Anthony Joshua boxing result on Saturday night. Mama J was particularly pleased for him as she believes he’s a real inspiration for young children, he’s respectfully confident in his abilities and always articulates himself well inside and more importantly outside of the ring… Oh yes and he may have been punched a few times in his career but he’s hardly been slapped with the ugly stick has he? 
   Mama J and Grandpa watched the pre-fight weigh-in and Grandpa was politely envious about Joshua’s physicality while Mama J just made the statement of, “Look at his beautiful guns!” She said this while reaching over the back of the sofa for the off switch on the radiator, fanning herself down with the TV guide and having Nelly’s ‘Hot In Herre!’ tune playing over and over in her mind. The next lyric to the song goes, “So take off all your clothes!” Anthony please don’t remove another item of clothing until I can move all four of my Yorkshire Terrier paws up the stairs and into Mama J’s ensuite to turn her showers dial onto ice mode and then throw her in it! 
   Following the fight Mama J was not very happy about Tyson Fury’s uncomplimentary comments about Anthony and decided that she would look for a boxing gym nearby and train up and defend his honour. Now that really is modern day chivalry at its best! I did point out that Mama J would have to eat/drink more than a packet of Belvita and a glass of semi-skimmed milk for her breakfast and she agreed that maybe upping it to full fat milk probably wouldn’t get her up to her 18 stone target. So she’s formulated another plan which is hiring a sumo suit and using her handbag as a make shift boxing glove, just so she can give it some more welly in the swing department. Well, it is a red leather bag so she might just get away with left upper cut, right handbag smack around the side of disrespectful Tyson’s temples! Anyway I’m in Mama J’s red corner cheering her on and if necessary stepping in to bite his balls with my minus eight teeth. Blow the belt? Somebody please distract the Referee! 

Mama J had a rare night out with her lovely friend on Friday evening. They went to see an Ed Sheeran tribute night which they both immensely enjoyed indeed. Mama J did however show herself up somewhat as the owner of the venue and friend of hers since her partying days, asked if Mama J and her friend would like another drink to which she replied, “I know it’s not very rock and roll but can I have a cup of tea?” He then jokingly bantered, “Are you having a chuffing laugh? You want a pot of tea?” Mama J then went into full on Grandma mode and explained that because of getting ready for ‘Ed’ she’d had to forgo her 5.30pm post work cuppa! Honestly it was like the modern day equivalent of the infamous, “I carried a watermelon!” line in Dirty Dancing.
   Next months tribute artist is Tom Jones and although Mama J loves his music she fears things may get a little bit too raucous audience wise for her. This is because the real Sir Tom Jones used to get knickers flung at him whenever he performed in his heyday. Imagine the scene if you dare… There’ll be ‘What’s New Pussycat?’ playing and ladies g-strings flying everywhere and Mama J flinging her multicoloured (well it is a Friday evening event so nobody wants to be wearing plain knickers do they) high legged M&S panties at the poor unsuspecting tribute artist!    
   Anyway ‘Ed’ was absolutely marvellous and Mama J agreed on discussing it with one of her friends the next day that tribute acts have to be at the top of their game performance wise. Gone are the days when you can don a white shoulder padded jumpsuit, gel your hair into a quiff and pretend to be Elvis. The audiences want a little more than that, such as a nice brew! Tea’s up folks!

While Mama J was out galavanting Granny, Grandpa and I were glued to Coronation Street and the watery demise of Pat Phelan. Yes, people stood at bus stops around the country, you really can stop talking about when he is ever going to get found out and get back to more interesting topics of conversations such as the British weather! 
   Before his extremely timely plunge into the sea, Pat was seemingly trying to resurrect a childhood favourite of Mama J’s, ‘He-Man and the Masters of the Universe’. We honestly thought he was going to draw his sword and shout out, “By the power of Grey Skull!”
 That or he’d told the script writing team that he fancied doing a Shakespearian play next and thought that practising some theatrical lines might do the trick in his next audition.
   Anyway I’m signing off now as don’t want to outstay my welcome just like the dastardly Phelan did. Following this post I’m off to help Gail and Eileen set up a “We Love Serial Killers” support group on Facebook. Should be interesting fun!