DOGGED INSPIRATION

When Marble the Chelton family’s male Blue Roan Cocker Spaniel urged me to take over his comedy blog, I didn’t fully know what an undertaking it would be for a Yorkshire girl like me, especially since I had no writing experience to draw upon. Really how many dogs do you know with their own blogging empire who have multiple social media accounts to update on a daily basis? He clearly saw that even with my endearingly unusual undershot jawline and wild wild hair, that I would make a beautiful muse for Mama J’s camera loving antics. He had the foresight to know my poses would one day set the world of Instagram alight. He also was confident that my quirky personality and outspoken street nature would transfer into interesting and amusing tales for his wonderfully creative blog. I salute him every day for trusting me enough to let me take over the mantle and fulfil his readers need for a good old belly laugh.
I’m very different to how Marble was. He was a very chilled clown like figure whereas I’m an extremely feisty northern female who doesn’t take any messing from anything or anyone. From other pooches to aeroplanes flying in the skies above. I defended my Grandpa the other morning from an attacking (I believed it was going to) jet. So folks think Loose Women’s Janet Street-Porter of the doggie world and you wouldn’t be going far wrong.

Now nearly two years on my confidence has grown due to my family’s love and support and I feel secure enough to write every post thanks to being actively promoted to simply be myself. Yes, wonderfully brilliant and gloriously stunning, me! Mama J encourages me to bark out loud and proud, just not when Coronation Street is on the telly. She’s trained me that whenever I want to play all I have to do is run to my toy basket like a cheetah on speed and come back squeaking loudly into the living room with a toy and she’ll be ready and waiting for the fun to begin. I’ve developed my food foraging skills too that go along the lines of, I stare at the plate/my treat cupboard, give a paw then wait to be rewarded with tasty delights from any member of my clan. This plan is totally fool proof and always gets my belly the most excellent of results.

If like me you want to set up your own blog, go for it! Yes, being this naturally funny takes work and commitment but the pleasure I get from creatively entertaining you takes over from the momentary worry of getting writers block. I’ve worked hard at developing my use of the English language and for a dog that’s a real talent that I’ve had to hone here. I’ve learned the art of social media from tweeting to Face-booking and then everything from Instagram to Pinterest in between. I’ve taken my posing for the camera to epic supermodel levels and can now cast a critically self-assured eye over my pictures just to make sure they are suitable for Internet publication. I am boss lady of Mama J when writing this blog and I make sure she doesn’t go too crazy in her censorship of my words. Then I’m boss of the rest of my family too, wrapping them around my little Yorkshire Terrier paws.
So what ever you want to do with your life, if you do it with half the gusto that I do male or female, dog or cat and it doesn’t matter by the way, my advice would be go for it! As long as you have a thirst for knowledge and a passion for what you do, you’ll go far in life! Good luck and thank you for reading my paws crossed inspiring piece of writing about how far I’ve come due to my dogged determination mixed with talent and full on growth in confidence.  Remember you are fantastic!



IT WAS HARRY!

Last Monday my Granny and Grandpa went into the local city centre for a spot of retail therapy and Mama J went for a girlie morning filled with coffee, cake and a good old dose of putting the world to rights with her pals. I was not included in either of these two missions, so I threw a strop and did something more militant than The British Army all over the dining room floor!
   Two hours and twelve minutes after Mama J, just like Elvis left the building she returned home. Knowing what I’d done I thought I’d better show more enthusiasm than usual I dived up at her legs several times, catching her face with my tongue as she bent down to cuddle me. Once she had given me my, on entering the house periodic treat, she turned around to see wet yellow liquid all over the stone floor. “Elsie whose done this?” She asked in my general direction, which was now down the hallway to where I’d scurried. Now I had to think quickly on my paws so as not to get myself in trouble, especially since Mama J had an unhappy look on her face by this point. I replied in my Yorkshire Terrier way, “It was Harry.” I must explain that I haven’t acquired a new furry friend named Harry in the past two weeks. As if any other animal is getting their paws anywhere near my front doormat, never mind over the threshold of it. No, Harry was my Great Grandpa J’s imaginary friend who he used to entertain Mama J with when she was a child. Harry got the blame for Great Grandpa J knocking the Cornetto from Mama J’s hands on an afternoon walk, then for getting them lost for hours on end resulting in a severe case of sun stroke! I figured that surely Harry could take the blame for my wee Monday morning misdemeanour. Great Grandpa J and his Harry were seen as an eccentric “pairing” back in 1988 but these days I reckon Great Grandpa J might have been offered cognitive behavioural therapy at least for creating such a naughty character to blame his entertaining antics on.
   Anyway Harry went down a storm with Mama J as my very sharp and witty answer rewarded me with a large cuddle and another walk that afternoon. She’s such a soft touch. I thank my family for telling me tales of Harry, as he got me out of a sticky and awkward spot there.

Mama J got her own back on me. Don’t worry folks she didn’t pee pee on the floor then make me clear it up. No, it was a far worse “treat” than that. Her and Grandpa took me to the Vets for my booster and I was on a warning to be on my best behaviour before we got there. This was all because Granny had heard a rumour that veterinary royalty had joined the practice, this was in the form of Julian Norton from The Yorkshire Vet.
   I was given an extra brush before I went to make sure I was presentable and camera ready should a film crew be in attendance when we arrived. Sure enough when we got into the waiting room there were signs all around the reception area saying that Channel 5 were filming there that day and to call a telephone number if you didn’t wish to be filmed. Mama J and Grandpa looked at each other and then gritted their teeth in anticipation of a microphone being thrust in their faces. However there was no camera crew in sight at the point in which I entered the treatment room and was greeted by a lady Vet and not the star of the show, Julian. Honestly I want a refund, they told me this was my big television break! First The Yorkshire Vet then five nights a week on Emmerdale! I’ve been bloody robbed of stardom!
   Once in the room the Vet tried her best to make “friends” with me. However as I’ve told you before I think The Speakman’s need to be given a call to try and sort out my PTSD teeth related traumas before I ever make mates with any Vets. She tried to offer me a biscuit which I turned my nose up at and then she tried coming at me from behind Grandpa’s back with the needle to see if she could quickly inject me with my inoculation without me even realising. All attempts failed and I had to be Hannibal Lecter-ed in the end with an extremely fetching muzzle. Once she’d given me my jab I gobbled up the biscuit that Grandpa had placed on the floor in front of me and then ran towards the door for freedom.
   As we were leaving the Vets we saw a pick-up truck with a few people stood around taking notes and then yes you’ve guessed it, Julian was there giving a speech to these people who were obviously student Vets. Mama J and Grandpa rushed me up the road as in the back of the truck was a sheep that they thought I might “start on”. Well, anything to get on the telly! Any publicity good or bad is fine by me in my quest for fame!



CREATING A CHRIS FOUNTAIN OF KNOWLEDGE

So instead of blowing on a party horn where a piece of rolled up paper comes bolting out, I’m going to give a noisy squeak on my new ginger bread man toy and say, “Happy New Year! Welcome to 2018!” If you are anything like myself and my family, you’ll be all partied out and ready to curl up on the sofa for the rest of January with a large dose of The Voice UK and Dancing On Ice for company. 
   I must point out that Dancing On Ice’s return to our television screens was met with some trepidation on Mama J’s part, as it’s a very touchy subject indeed. No, Mama J doesn’t want to become an overnight celebrity sensation and is dreaming of swirling around the sub-zero studio floor. I really don’t think A&E could cope with all the disasters that would unfold with her being paired up with ice skates, trying in vain to learn to the dance steps in a skating show piece routine. The truth is Mama J just can’t move on from the fact that Chris Fountain was beaten by Suzanne Shaw in the 2008 final! Yes, folks that’s a whole ten years of Mama J ranting that the wrong person won the show. According to Mama J all Suzanne did was fly around like Tinker Bell instead of skating. ITV bringing the popular programme back hasn’t helped my families ears, as it’s just intensified the moaning to a red hot fever pitch level that would melt the polar ice caps never mind the studio ice rink where the programme is transmitted from. Oh dear if the right person in Mama J’s humble opinion doesn’t win this year I fear Holly, Phil, Chris, Jayne, Jason and Ashley will be getting unimpressed tweets galore. Well, Ashley Banjo might get more favourable ones though as Mama J does think he’s rather tasty on the looks front and wouldn’t wish to upset him in any way.

So Mama J has taken to 2018 like a duck to water. On January the first she was like a woman on a Bear Grylls style mission, sorting out cupboards and paper files. First the bedside table next job the world!
   With this spring cleaning attitude in full flow Mama J decided to take Granny and Grandpa’s wise and worldly advice and spring clean her brain cells as well, by taking advantage of some of the online courses that were on offer at generously discounted rates. Off she went up the stairs to see what she could find to study. Firstly she found a course on crystals and clairvoyance. Now I do think Mystic Mama has a very cool ring to it but I think Mama J would prefer watching Julia Roberts in Mystic Pizza much more than learning about future ventures that probably won’t ever take place. Looking into my crystal ball I reckon there maybe more worthy things to spend your hard earned cash on and could be more profitable long term Mama J, like a lottery ticket for example. 
   Next came a course in sign language, which Mama J already has a head start on as a number of years ago now her friend taught how to sign bugger off. I’ll show you at the end of this post as I don’t want you to bugger off just yet.

Finally she decided to try something slightly off piste, no they haven’t invented an online skiing course just yet, she decided to learn interior design. I think the fact that she had divine inspiration in Dunelm when looking up at the ceiling, having ordered a chair already and not knowing what to do as the chair in front of her really was just so much more beautiful than the one that was coming her way. Well, this and the fact that she’s harmonised the look of the bedroom to perfection really swung it for her and created the idea of being the next Kelly Hoppen in her creative mind!
   So Mama J paid the knockdown price of £19 for the Groupon advertised course and began learning about colour wheels, symmetry, asymmetry and Bauhaus styling. She steamed through the course within a few days of her holiday and declared never to use any of the information she had soaked up ever again. 

Not to be deterred and with her newly developed thirst and hunger for learning, Mama J has now signed up for a digital marketing course and is already about to embark on section four after helping me edit this, even if I do say so highly humorous post. I’m going to feel the benefits of this course so she tells me, as Mama J is going to start tweaking my social media accounts whether I like it or not. Now I might just throw a creative diva strop if the courses tips and I don’t see eye to eye. I am the master of this blog and I, just like my Grandpa with his new hand me down iPhone don’t enjoy technological change in life.

Following the marketing course Mama J has had another light bulb, blue sky thinking idea and is going to do a dog training course, then she’s going to impart all the information on to me so I can write a manual on how to train your dog! Oh just think of all the mischievous pooches roaming the streets with their hapless owners not having a clue what to do once they’ve followed the subliminal messages from my book! Feed me treats… Okay whatever you want my beauty, I am under your command! Now waving my paws in full sign language fashion to let you know, you can bugger off now until next week!