So Mama J has turned into a spending demon of late. Has she won the lottery again without telling me? I say again as the highest amount she has ever won was a very respectable £125, which isn’t bad but sadly isn’t going to have us cruising gangster rapper style in a Bentley. Oh I’m mixing up a beautiful mind montage of Mama J and I in matching Oakley sunglasses driving around looking for hot guys. Mine of the dog world and Mama J’s of… The dog world too! Um that doesn’t sound right however she doesn’t need or want a man anyway. Unless Idris Elba is free to come cruising with us, then he might be permitted to hitch a ride.
Now Mama J hasn’t being recreating the famous scene from Pretty Woman where Julia Roberts goes on a shopping spree, clothing wise. No, her spends have being much more focused than that. Firstly she got the idea of building a tricycle. Yes, she amended the Queen song slightly and wants to ride her tricycle, tricycle! This all happened about two weeks ago at about 5 o’clock in the morning. You can see where I get my random and creative thought processes from now can’t you? She has no prior knowledge of how to build even flat pack furniture let alone something as technical as a tricycle. However at 5.14am she had worked out that she would need to go to the DIY store and purchase some brightly coloured metal paint (well no one wants a dull and boring black tricycle do they) like you’d use on garden furniture to make her creation look pretty but also be weather proof. She’s ever the practical soul!
On getting up later that morning Mama J enthusiastically shared her idea with my extremely puzzled looking Granny, who I do believe was slightly worried about Mama J’s 5am sanity levels. Granny then pointed out that you can buy perfectly decent tricycles online these days instead of Mama J making the tricycle equivalent of Frankenstein’s monster. Mama J set about eBay in search of such a thing and found some totally spiffing ones indeed!
I must explain why Mama J wanted a tricycle and not a bicycle and this is purely for safety reasons. You see Mama J on two wheels wobbling around the roads of Britain would need more insurance than Richard Hammond needs to film his next The Grand Tour driving experience. It just makes the world a safer place. Oh then there’s the fact that when she was trying to master the art of riding a two wheel bike with the help of Grandpa for stability, every time something went wrong and ultimately she fell off it was Grandpa who was sadly in the firing line with diva cries of, “You’re trying to murder me!” She’s not dramatic at all is she? So you see a tricycle is much better than Grandpa ending up being accused again of a crime he didn’t commit.
On looking further into these tricycles Mama J found some very cool looking fold up ones that were great for shed based storage purposes. The only factor that stood between Mama J and eventually purchasing one of these tricycles was the dreaded hallway test. Would she be able to get it from the back yard and down the hall without the removal of any walls? The answer from Grandpa’s tape measure was sadly, “No!”
Undeterred on her Tour De France cycling mission Mama J came up with another good idea, she’s just like Frank Spencer with her light bulb moments. This was a fold up exercise bike or to give it its proper name a Mini Pedal Exerciser. Mama J armed with Grandpa’s tape measure ran upstairs and measured the section between the floor and the bed and found that she had 7cm’s to spare. She then pressed buy on eBay and her cycling training accompanied by lifting weights began in ernest last Monday. By Tuesday she was struck down with a cold and by Friday she was sent home from work with palpitations and a fever. She’s had to have the entire weekend off work and has struggled with even basic tasks like getting dressed and more scarily than that putting make-up on. I thought Halloween had come early yesterday morning as she was so pale, she looked like she was auditioning for the cast of The Addams Family. In Mama J’s defence her illness isn’t all down to exercising like a lunatic as her thyroid medication has recently being tweaked by the hospital. Even so I do think sitting around watching soap operas might be a safer past time for Mama J than endurance exercising and being inspired by Chris Hadfield to go on the next series of Astronauts: Do You Have What It Takes? Well, that will be a no in Mama J’s case!
Mama J’s next exciting purchase was a mini deep fat fryer. It is like The Generation Game with me guessing what is going to come through the door next. Cuddly toy anyone? Oh the joy on Mama J’s face when she purchased her fryer was a sight to behold. Just think of the magic and wonderment of a child meeting Santa Claus for the first time. Her delight at not having to eat soggy oven chips at home again was just like visiting Narnia. Mama J has being warned by Granny that she will have to cook with and then clean her chip fryer out herself. However as a thirty-seven year old woman of the world, I’m sure with a showing of the ropes from Granny say a few hundred times, Mama J will one day in the very distant future perfect this trick altogether. Crispy chip anyone?