RIDING A TRICYCLE TO A DEEP FAT FRYER FULL OF YUMMY CHIPS

So Mama J has turned into a spending demon of late. Has she won the lottery again without telling me? I say again as the highest amount she has ever won was a very respectable £125, which isn’t bad but sadly isn’t going to have us cruising gangster rapper style in a Bentley. Oh I’m mixing up a beautiful mind montage of Mama J and I in matching Oakley sunglasses driving around looking for hot guys. Mine of the dog world and Mama J’s of… The dog world too! Um that doesn’t sound right however she doesn’t need or want a man anyway. Unless Idris Elba is free to come cruising with us, then he might be permitted to hitch a ride.

Now Mama J hasn’t being recreating the famous scene from Pretty Woman where Julia Roberts goes on a shopping spree, clothing wise. No, her spends have being much more focused than that. Firstly she got the idea of building a tricycle. Yes, she amended the Queen song slightly and wants to ride her tricycle, tricycle! This all happened about two weeks ago at about 5 o’clock in the morning. You can see where I get my random and creative thought processes from now can’t you? She has no prior knowledge of how to build even flat pack furniture let alone something as technical as a tricycle. However at 5.14am she had worked out that she would need to go to the DIY store and purchase some brightly coloured metal paint (well no one wants a dull and boring black tricycle do they) like you’d use on garden furniture to make her creation look pretty but also be weather proof. She’s ever the practical soul! 
   On getting up later that morning Mama J enthusiastically shared her idea with my extremely puzzled looking Granny, who I do believe was slightly worried about Mama J’s 5am sanity levels. Granny then pointed out that you can buy perfectly decent tricycles online these days instead of Mama J making the tricycle equivalent of Frankenstein’s monster. Mama J set about eBay in search of such a thing and found some totally spiffing ones indeed! 
   I must explain why Mama J wanted a tricycle and not a bicycle and this is purely for safety reasons. You see Mama J on two wheels wobbling around the roads of Britain would need more insurance than Richard Hammond needs to film his next The Grand Tour driving experience. It just makes the world a safer place. Oh then there’s the fact that when she was trying to master the art of riding a two wheel bike with the help of Grandpa for stability, every time something went wrong and ultimately she fell off it was Grandpa who was sadly in the firing line with diva cries of, “You’re trying to murder me!” She’s not dramatic at all is she? So you see a tricycle is much better than Grandpa ending up being accused again of a crime he didn’t commit.
   On looking further into these tricycles Mama J found some very cool looking fold up ones that were great for shed based storage purposes. The only factor that stood between Mama J and eventually purchasing one of these tricycles was the dreaded hallway test. Would she be able to get it from the back yard and down the hall without the removal of any walls? The answer from Grandpa’s tape measure was sadly, “No!” 
   Undeterred on her Tour De France cycling mission Mama J came up with another good idea, she’s just like Frank Spencer with her light bulb moments. This was a fold up exercise bike or to give it its proper name a Mini Pedal Exerciser. Mama J armed with Grandpa’s tape measure ran upstairs and measured the section between the floor and the bed and found that she had 7cm’s to spare. She then pressed buy on eBay and her cycling training accompanied by lifting weights began in ernest last Monday. By Tuesday she was struck down with a cold and by Friday she was sent home from work with palpitations and a fever. She’s had to have the entire weekend off work and has struggled with even basic tasks like getting dressed and more scarily than that putting make-up on. I thought Halloween had come early yesterday morning as she was so pale, she looked like she was auditioning for the cast of The Addams Family. In Mama J’s defence her illness isn’t all down to exercising like a lunatic as her thyroid medication has recently being tweaked by the hospital. Even so I do think sitting around watching soap operas might be a safer past time for Mama J than endurance exercising and being inspired by Chris Hadfield to go on the next series of Astronauts: Do You Have What It Takes? Well, that will be a no in Mama J’s case!

Mama J’s next exciting purchase was a mini deep fat fryer. It is like The Generation Game with me guessing what is going to come through the door next. Cuddly toy anyone? Oh the joy on Mama J’s face when she purchased her fryer was a sight to behold. Just think of the magic and wonderment of a child meeting Santa Claus for the first time. Her delight at not having to eat soggy oven chips at home again was just like visiting Narnia. Mama J has being warned by Granny that she will have to cook with and then clean her chip fryer out herself. However as a thirty-seven year old woman of the world, I’m sure with a showing of the ropes from Granny say a few hundred times, Mama J will one day in the very distant future perfect this trick altogether. Crispy chip anyone?


IT'S PEE PEE TIME!

Remember how I told you the other week about my quiet behaviour when people visited our house? This has being named by Mama J as a chew enhanced lifestyle and comes highly recommended to all barking dog households. Pooches be ready to be tantalised into quiet but yummy submission.
   Well, I’m pleased to announce that my peaceful behaviour has now transcended onto my walks and with other dogs too. It’s only taken me over two and a half years to finally make some friends in the village. Mind you my Yorkshire Terrier birth Mother did tell me not to talk to strangers. Always wise advice to take on board. I’ve watched those stranger danger videos on Youtube and don’t want dognaping from my luxury lifestyle do I? 
   Yes, folks I’ve had something of a miracle epiphany. Was it the bones? Is there something in the water such as gin? Am I growing up to finally realise not every dog is like Jon Voight’s character in Enemy Of The State? Who knows but my family are overjoyed at finally being able to have a proper full and frank conversation without me barking at everyone else’s canines.
   To be fair to me, which seen as I’m writing this, I don’t have to be too harsh on myself, I have got a few firm furry friends in the village already. However these dogs that I’m now ignoring were on my hit list for a verbal telling off for upsetting me in some way, shape or form in a previous life. Clearly I’ve been reincarnated and now have had another reincarnation whilst living my life with the Chelton family.
   Anyway I’m getting told that I’m a good girl, getting lots of cuddles, oh and yes the treat cupboard door should be changed immediately to a revolving one as it is open more times than it is shut. Why didn’t I work this calm quietness out sooner? I could’ve had a full belly permanently!

I thought on Thursday morning that Mama J had won a World Championships medal at the London games, as cheering of a very loud nature came out of her bathroom door and carried on down the landing. Well, sadly for Mama J you don’t get a gold medal for peeing!
   Don’t worry Mama J isn’t regressing and learning to potty train again. Although the way she was clutching her pot full of wee and screaming, “I’ve done it! I’ve done my wee!” did remind Granny of a holiday when Mama J waltzed into the hotel’s packed out dining room and announced that she’d done a poo! She was thirty-two years old at the time! Just kidding!
   Anyhow Thursday’s urine sample was to take with her to a hospital appointment later that day. I can’t tell you what for as I’d be giving away trade secrets. However I will say this if Mama J ever gets herself pregnant and needs to do a sample every time she has a medical appointment, Granny, Grandpa and I are moving out! She kept looking at the tiny pot she’d been given from the doctor’s surgery and at one point was standing in the kitchen, well to put that properly, squatting in the kitchen and pretending to pee into the pot! It was award winning acting in the kitchen that day! She had more moves than the Eric Prydz, Call On Me dance video. I must say to spare Mama J’s blushes that her underpants and jeans remained firmly on. The kitchen based role didn’t require any removal of clothing until she got up to her ensuite, squatted with the pot placed just shy of the toilet seat and then aimed and fired!
   So I’m pleased to announce that the clinic said Mama J’s wee was the largest they’d seen in sometime. Mama J, please do stop putting words into my mouth and through to my paws. Oh and they say men like to exaggerate about the size of their…!   




DO NETFLIX SHOW REGIONAL NEWS TO MAKE MAMA J EXCITED?

Mama J is a very trying (sometimes on the families patience but that’s a different matter entirely) lady at times. Last week this was in a life enhancing manner indeed, or so she thought. Yes, folks that’s where the trying part really took place and Mama J got an A* from me for effort!
   Off she scuttled, like I do when I have an itch on one of my legs, up the stairs to her computer. She mainly watches YouTube videos on how to make me an Internet sensation. Am I not one yet? I’ve only been on with this blogging malarkey for a year and a half now. You’d think an extremely talented blogging Yorkshire Terrier would be making more headlines than hot couple Zoella and Alfie Deyes by now. Oh I sound so bitter and twisted. Someone get me another bone to chomp on before misery really sets in and I can’t even make myself chuckle let alone anyone else with my comedy take on the world. 
   So this time around Mama J wasn’t looking for stardom tips although she was looking for videos that the whole family could enjoy. Oh no please not Frozen again, as apart from the soaps that was the last thing we all enjoyed, sorry fans of Olaf I mean endured there as a family. Well, that’s my name struck off a few thousand people’s Christmas card list for disrespecting the snowman and his Princesses.

On returning from my afternoon stroll with Granny and Grandpa we were greeted by a beaming Mama J from the top of the stairs. I thought she had found divine intervention in life as she almost was shrouded with a halo like glow. My next thought was, have we won the lottery? Oh now what website was that jewel encrusted dogs bed on? It did look so comfy and fit for a Queen like me! However sadly I was wrong on both accounts. Mama J’s excitement was all about signing herself for a free month’s trial of Netflix!

Not only that but she was wading her way through the series of Doctor Foster that she’d missed when it was shown on the BBC a few years back.
   She turned Doctor Gemma Foster off her computer and marched down the stairs, grinning like a Cheshire cat to show Granny and Grandpa how to get onto Netflix on the Smart TV and also show them that she’d given them a name tag each (this is like being back at primary school, I do hope they were sewed into their jerseys) for them to store their programmes in.
   Once she had put all her password in to the television, Grandpa gave Mama J a list of programmes that he might want to watch. It started with Game Of Thrones. Mama J typed this into the search bar and Netflix engine found various films and shows which sort of matched the title, but not Game Of Thrones. He then tried Westworld, where the same thing happened. Mama J tried searching for slightly older programmes and movies and the same thing happened. The search engine recognised the title but didn’t produce the goods. Oh dear Mama J and namely Netflix had instead produced a dud!
   Following a shocked almost tearful look on Mama J’s face, well this was supposed to be her divine and righteous moment remember, then came the ranting of, “What a waste of chuffing money!” This style of ranting went on all throughout our afternoon cup of tea, on through dinner and then on way into the evening. The only two saving graces are that it was a free trial and Mama J really, really, really enjoyed Doctor Foster. She enjoyed it so much she might apply for a job as Suranne Jones’s Agent should she ever need one, as she thought she was top notch in it.

The next day and we had more televisual excitement in our house when Mama J had to retune the Freeview box. I know it’s that little job that fills most people with dread. This however is a job that Mama J quite enjoys as it makes her feel like a technological expert akin with Microsoft founder Bill Gates, for all of five minutes.
     After not reading the bit about how to retune the telly properly and being shouted at by Granny, the process finally got underway. On almost completing it the TV asked (I told you it was a Smart TV, this one can bloody converse with you) Mama J, “Yorkshire or North East?” With this Mama J’s glee levels raised up to fever pitch once more as if she pressed Yorkshire, we may get regional programmes specific to where we actually live. She pressed it and hey presto we have BBC and ITV Yorkshire.
   It was coming up to 6.30pm and BBC Look North was about to begin and this is where Mama J started almost bouncing around the living room screeching at the top of her voice, “Oh I get to see Harry Gration again!” Let me explain that Harry Gration is a BBC Look North (Yorkshire) Presenter and is clearly very popular in our household. In fact if Mama J had her way he wouldn’t be presenting the regional News, instead he’d be sat at our dining room table eating the meal Granny had prepared! High praise indeed for Harry! After years of having to watch BBC Look North (North East) due to arial issues, it was great to actually geographically know the areas they were talking about and the issues they were covering. 
   Anyway Mama J is very pleased with her newly tuned television and seeing Harry again after all these years really is the icing on the cake. In fact she said it made her year. Oh dear she needs to get out more!