“Cover your eyes and Elsie’s too!” Grandpa ushered, no shouted to Mama J last week while my family were enjoying an evening cup of tea. Now Mama J is 37 years old and has experienced the sights and sounds of drunken debauchery on her numerous nights out over her partying years. I am a former city Yorkshire Terrier, who is altogether just as street wise as Dizzee Rascal. I love going Bonkers and I sure would Dance Wiv Me, well Dizzee if he so asked me.
   Just what was going on outside of our living room window? I’ll keep you in suspense no longer… Two sparrows were trying their luck at procreation on our railings! It was like a scene from the Fifty Shades Of Grey movies and these two birds were using their flapping feathers to spank each other with. All this whilst one bird was bouncing around on the other birds back. Yes, our railings really had become their red room of pure passion.
   Grandpa was totally prudish to the birds moment of ecstasy and jumped up and down waving his arms around to shoo them way but Mama J just saw it as nature. She’s a Countryfile and Springwatch fan and was sure that both Matt Baker and Chris Packham would approve of this outburst of flying feathers. However Mr Packham would probably be able to explain it in much more scientific terms than to akin it to a bonker buster book and film but hey ho I’ve got a simple, mucky and poetic mind at times!

Now without completely lowering the tone of this blog, Mama J was getting out the shower and drying herself off, gently caressing her body with the towel, up and down her skin in circular waves whilst thinking longingly about Idris Elba. Okay I really am going to stop this smut now I promise. 
   It was last Wednesday morning and she was drying herself off and she coughed to clear her throat. With that there was a ding and then a loud yelp of, “Ouch!” that I heard from down the road, whilst Granny and I were out for our morning stroll. Yes, Mama J had pulled the bottom of her back.
   This sure is the most unconventional way to pull a muscle that I think I’ve ever heard of and I’m sure if Mama J did go to the Doctor’s they wouldn’t be able to help but chuckle. 
   So she has been wandering around like The Hunchback Of Notre Dame, only taking Calpol to ease her pain. Mama J will only take one Calpol every four hours as well as she doesn’t want to become addicted to children’s pain relief. Granny and Grandpa both suggested Deep Heat cream, however with the hot weather we’ve experienced into the weekend, Mama J felt that the pungent smell may put people off coming to her counter at work. It’s so nice that still in pain she’s concerned about the companies profits!
   Anyway her back does seem to be improving but she won’t be standing legs apart or thinking about Idris Elba next time she decides she has to clear her throat. 

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