I must start with a heartfelt apology to all my readers for doing a Jean-Claude Van Damme on them and going AWOL last week. I am referring to Jean-Claude’s character in the movie although I haven’t gone missing in action from the Foreign Legion. So my crimes aren’t too bad and hopefully I won’t be getting court marshalled just yet!
My absence of typing this wonderful comedy tale was due to the drilling and banging sounds coming from the kitchen area. No, folks Mama J isn’t turning into a frustrated Chef. Sorry I was under the impression that all Chef’s were slightly frustrated/hot headed/bad tempered buggers. She hasn’t brought out her inner Delia and learnt how to stressfully boil an egg.
The banging was the kitchen fitters moving cupboards, removing tiles and putting new electrical points in ready for Granny’s (notice I said Granny’s and not Mama J’s, she won’t be going anywhere near the cooker unless Granny is away) new Everhot cooker which will be getting its grand unveiling in a few weeks time. Someone please call the local Mayor for rope cutting duties and I’ll send out a press release.
Anyway I couldn’t get myself in the zone at all for writing as the noise wasn’t at all intuitive with doing creative work of the comedy turn variety. I’m sure Peter Kay, French and Saunders and Miranda Hart couldn’t pull off amusing greatness with bang, bang, bang going on. Therefore I don’t see why I should have to. Even though I am still trying to cut my comedy teeth as it were!
I’m turning into a bit of a social media celebrity (I have over 500 Instagram followers and counting) and if they ever make the Yorkshire version of TOWIE or Made In Chelsea, I’m there! However until that point of television stardom beckons, I must say my local villagers have noticed my talents with the written word. I “pawed” a piece for our village newsletter which went as follows:-
A WOOF TO SAY SORRY
If you don’t already know me my name is Elsie, I’m a Yorkshire Terrier and I’m a barkaholic! I was adopted from the RSPCA in December 2014 and brought to the village by my new family. I had them wrapped around my little paw the minute I ran around them all and licked each of their ears in the socialisation area. I’m a girl who knows how to work a room to maximum effect.
Marble, the families Cocker Spaniel and my furry companion, showed me the ropes (mainly where the treat cupboard was and how to howl for lasagne every fortnight) until sadly he passed away last February, when I became top dog, a role I feel I’m exceptionally good at.
I’m very selective when it comes to making friends with other pooches as a lot of you may know, due to my lack of socialisation as a puppy, protectiveness of my family, a bad experience or whatever today’s reasoning behind my barking may be. I was put in therapy by my family which involved a lot of clicking (but not the penny dropping kind) and cheese, lots of yummy cheese! Although I must be a complex soul as it can depend on the weather, a full moon or my mood as to how I react towards another four legged frenemy.
I have a few doggie mates now who have gotten passed my noisiness (ear defenders do work a treat) and seen my loveable side, however I would ask if the rest of you could bear with me as I’m still a work in progress.
This article has gone down an absolute storm in the village and as I have been walking around the vicinity with my Granny and Grandpa I have been getting high praise from the public on my writing skills. William Shakespeare clearly didn’t have anything on me.
However fame has come at a high price for my ever loving family and this has happened in the form of a downturn in my behaviour. As my family have been eating out more, due to their lack of a cooker and then bringing me tit bits home from their meals (yes the customary doggie bag) and also bringing home cooked chickens from the supermarket. I have started not to want to eat my usual dog food without any meaty/cheesy enhancements.
On Saturday morning I could smell a waft of left over chicken coming from inside the fridge as Granny opened the door to get my usual tinned food out. She prepared my breakfast and I refused to eat it and instead kept turning around and staring at the fridge door then back at Granny.
When I got back from my morning stroll with Grandpa I decided that starving myself might not be the answer and decided to eat my breakfast. I’d never save the world by going on hunger strike for an animal/human rights cause would I? My bellies urges would get the better of me in the end.
Granny was concerned at first as she thought I might be feeling unwell especially due to the fact that I was sick on Wednesday afternoon. However this was more of an excitement sickness due to Mama J bringing me a Good Boy Lob It Space Lobber home from the pet store. At first I assaulted (please don’t call the Police I really am sorry) Mama J by chucking in at her head then I got myself so worked up I spewed all over a cushion. I’m such a grateful madam!
Also I was sick again on Saturday afternoon due to a bit of steak Grandpa brought home from the pub being slightly too rich for me. This time I projectile vomited all over Granny’s trousers.
However my not eating has been of the purely diva nature as I have continued looking at the fridge and then Granny throughout the last few days. My family have cottoned onto this behaviour and Mama J is actually very impressed!
She said she thinks my behaviour is a stroke of pure genius and she’s wondering whether they do a Mensa test for pooches. Now can I have another tasty treat for been a clever girl?