I made Mama J RUN! Yes, that really is a statement and a half but it is exactly what happened last Monday afternoon, whether Mama J wanted it to or not.
   Granny and Grandpa went out to look at an Everhot cooking and heating system for our kitchen re-design that’s happening later this year followed by a cheeky pub lunch (how come I never get invited for some yummy nosh) leaving Mama J and I to our own devices. When Mama J put her coat on I said to myself in my Yorkshire up Dale accent, “Here we go again. I’m about to be left for a spot of clothes shopping.” Then Mama J grabbed my tartan coat, harness and lead out of the cupboard and I realised we were going for a walk. Aww I knew there was a reason I loved my Mama J so much. Yes, okay you can have a sick bucket if you so desire, I’m getting too gushy mushy I know.
   As we headed out the door I was pulling right to go on mine and Mama J’s usual route down the village however Mama J had other ideas and took me to her car. Oh dear we aren’t off to the Vets again are we? As we headed towards the neighbouring village I realised this a trip of pure pleasure for me instead of an annoying medical trip. Yippee!
   When we got to the next village I got so excitable as Mama J was getting me out of the car I nearly pulled her arm out of its socket. Well, that’s what Diva Mama said would happen being the medical expert that she is. 
   Now this is where my pure joy for fun took over me. I think it was the sunshine that made me feel all hedonistic (don’t worry I was high on life not narcotic drugs) but as we walked down the road I wanted to feel the breeze blowing more swiftly through my wild strawberry blonde locks. The sheer pleasure came over me in a massive wave and I wanted to run, yes RUN faster and faster! I took off strutting my stuff with Mama J trotting and trying ever so hard to keep up behind me shouting, “ELSIE SLOW DOWN! ELISE PLEASE SLOW DOWN! MUMMY CAN’T COPE!” As I looked back Mama J was huffing and puffing and her face was going the shade of a British post box, red ever so red indeed. I thought to myself that I better slow down as I’m really enjoying myself today and I want more fun walks with Mama J in the future. Also I want Mama J to just still be alive after this experience!
   Mama J’s skin tone returned to its usual shade of healthy pink plus her heart rate scaled back down shortly after we stopped running around the village. She confessed to me when we got home that she hadn’t ran anywhere since she left school… Oh that was almost twenty-one years ago now. Ah yes think I better go gently with her exercise routine in future. Remember slowly, slowly catchy Elsie, sorry monkey. What did Mama J just mouth at me? I am the monkey! She’s a cheeky monkey too but as we found out last week she can’t catch me just yet so I don’t have to be so liberal with my language. That doesn’t mean I’ll be going all Donald Trump with my outbursts though so you needn’t worry.
After a few stressful walks with Granny and Grandpa, for them not me, to do with my behaviour it has been decided that I need to make more doggie friends in the village. No, I don’t get a say in this but it is going to happen whether I want it to or not.
   Mama J consulted the oracle otherwise known as Google and she came up with, wait for this, I’m building the anticipation as I type, doggie hypnosis! I’ll just call Paul McKenna and see what he can do for me. It will go something like this, “Look into my eyes. Yes, into my eyes not around my eyes and sleep! You will be the wonderment of calmness and joy whilst out on your walks. You will spread joy to all you meet, both humans and dogs alike. You WILL (see the emphasis on that word) make friends with every dog you come across. One two three and wide awake!” 

This isn’t the only thing that could help me in my quest for pooch friendship as the oracle that is Google also said to combine hypnosis with classical music. I’m more of an Eminem girl than a Mozart fan coming from the mean city streets in my previous life so I will need to tune into a different musical beat. Mama J then scoured iTunes and found two gems entitled Canine Lullabies and Canine Classical Dog Music. These albums are meant to have a calming influence over dogs as their pitch and tone is akin with a pooches ear for sound.
   So on Saturday night when I was already chilling out watching Will.I.AM’s whacky antics on this seasons The Voice my ear drums were infected by Mama J playing Mary Had A Little Lamb through her iPhone. I didn’t care about Mary or her bloody Lamb nor did I care about London Bridge falling down, sorry residents of London I know you maybe affected if you are cut off from your homes but I just wanted to watch The Voice. 
   Mama J was enthusiastic though as she found a song entitled Furry Elsie. This is it, it’s a sign, a beacon of light from the universe. Furry Elsie was going to chill out furry Elsie. I do actually feel most honoured to have a song named after me. I mean before Kaiser Chief’s wrote Ruby or Dire Straits penned Romeo and Juliet there was indeed Furry Elsie. Okay Mama J if I have my very own song I guess I could try getting in the zone and giving this classical music a go. Grandpa also found me one of his classical music albums that is meant to be relaxing in its theme.

Now we can play the classical music in the house, I get how that would work in calming me down but am I going to get a pair of headphones small enough to fit my Yorkshire Terrier head and ears? Granny suggested a bandana with earphones strapped in. Oh how cool will I look strutting my stuff? Every dog will want a pair, I’m such a groovy trend setter. However Mama J’s old school suggestion of a ghetto blaster on her shoulder was just as cool a look. People do I go retro or move with the times in my playing of Furry Elsie?

I'll be away until Monday 13th February 2017 while I get used to the hypnotic sounds of classical music. I maybe in a zen like state when I return. Start humming and chanting with me now! 


Last Monday evening we had a visit from two of our lovely friends who brought a new edition to their family gang with them. This edition was a little strange for me at first as it made lots of odd noises, was significantly smaller than most of the other visitors we’ve had to our house and had some quirky floor and sofa moves. Yes, folks this was a BABY!
   I haven’t had a lot to do with babies or shall I call them little people before but what an endearing introduction to them handsome Eli was. He was so smily and seemed very enamoured with me. He wanted to get near me and fuss me, this I suspect is because he lives with two doggies of his own named Bonnie and Austin, as well as two gorgeous ginger cats who remind Mama J of the cartoon character Garfield. I hope those cats aren’t descendants of the wild woman named Flora who lives opposite to me otherwise that whole family are in trouble, she’s a nutter! 
   Bonnie the Cocker Spaniel brought her own wonderful blend of cheer when she came to stay here a few years ago and was very good pals with Marble when he was alive. Mama J very much enjoyed morning cuddles with her when she came bounding in her bedroom and bounced on her bed.
   Little Eli enjoyed making lots of noise with the musical lion toy he brought to keep him entertained while the grownups ate dinner. His parents said that is one of his favourite toys although the songs it plays get a bit repetitive after a thousand or so times being played. I wonder who could’ve bought him that wonderful but annoying present, Mama J? Eli also enjoyed playing with my toys once he’d spotted them in my toy basket. Yes, pooches out there your life isn’t complete without a toy basket full of the latest squeaking and rustling toys. I was a bit bemused at first as to why this beautiful boy was playing with MY toys and MY Grandpa was encouraging him to do so. However he picked out Terence The Turkey as his favourite one and let’s put it this way anyone who loves Terence as much as I do is a very good friend of mine indeed. As the Toy Story song goes, “You’ve got a friend in me!” What impeccable taste in toys Eli has, he can call around for dinner again whenever he likes. Oh and I thought his lion was a pretty cool toy too.
   After dinner we all adjourned to the living room and Eli was showing us his break dancing moves on the floor (he could go on Ashley Banjo’s new programme Dance, Dance, Dance in a few years time) and the sofa as I lay with my Grandpa and calmly watched him playing with his Mummy, my Granny and Mama J. My family were so pleased with my behaviour towards Eli, as to their knowledge (being as rescue Yorkshire Terrier makes it hard) I haven’t had too much to do with little people especially gorgeous babies. Mama J was like a proud Mother getting a glowing report at the school parents evening. 

I brought a virus into my home on Thursday. No, my social media accounts hadn’t been hacked by Russian spies in the run up to any government elections. This was a medical virus and left me feeling more than a little jaded.
   I woke up on Granny and Grandpa’s bed as usual but I started lapping as if I was going to be sick. Granny pulled my fleecy throw around me just in case I felt the urge to puke, as it’s easier to wash a throw rather than a whole bedspread. Yes, we found that one out when I was sick on Mama J’s quilt cover and Granny couldn’t be bothered with changing it until the morning. She bathed it with a cloth and blasted the cover and me with a hairdryer, disturbing the whole household in the process.
   Granny thought my tummy was overloaded with meaty treats such a steak, chicken and then pork as I had enjoyed tit bits from a lot of dinners last week. I bring a whole new meaning to the expression carnivore!
   After my morning walk I laid on my cushions on the sofa until Mama J and Granny came to join me for their morning brew and biscuits. This is when I turned worryingly pathetic as I moved from Granny to Mama J and then back again to Granny. I was just staring at my girls as if to say, “Please fuss me. I’m fragile and need attention now!” Mama J moved to the floor and I jumped into her lap and lay my head down gaining lots of oh’s and ah’s as I snuggled in.
   I kept lapping but wasn’t actually sick all day until Grandpa came home from work when I lay my illness thickly on him as well. All evening I was unsettled as I sat in Grandpa’s lap looking for sympathy and feeling utterly sorry for myself. Granny was concerned whether it was my teeth playing up again or I had a sore throat (I do an awful lot of shouting on my walks) and vowed that if I was worse on Friday then I was going to see the Vets or if my condition hadn’t improved at all by today I was off to a visit. 
   Come Friday morning though I was full of the joys of spring (I wish the weather felt the same) which is more than I can say for Granny and Mama J, who both had a sore throat and the start of the sniffles. I can recommend honey as that’s what Granny let me lick off her finger to soothe my condition. However I draw the line at sucking lemons. What do you think I am? A student playing a drinking game? I’m a puritan just like my Mama J. Water is the order of my every day.


Last Monday was one of the most exciting days of Mama J’s life! Did she get married? No, she’s like the Destiny’s Child song title suggests, one of a many these days (oh how old do I sound) Independent Women. Come girls throw your hands up at me! Did she have a baby? Well, she’s looking far too rested to have just given birth and her figure has definitely popped back into shape quicker than any other mortal being on the planet. Oh and she’s my Mama J and she knows I won’t share her with anyone else baby, puppy, kitten, horse or otherwise. Next question, did she move out? No, we (that’s the Royal we in Mama J’s Carson and Mrs Patmore led way) are still languishing in village luxury, where twenty minute showers are the order of every day. So what could possibly have happened in Mama J’s life that was so amazing? A tour around the Emmerdale Studios!
   For a soap loving diva like Mama J this was her most favourite Christmas present of them all and something she’d been so eager to do since it was given to her by Granny and Grandpa on 25 December. What a long time ago that all seems now! Mama J has just got over the recreation of Dale Winton’s Supermarket Sweep that befell her eyes in the run up to the big day.
   So last Monday I was ushered off Grandpa’s lap and placed in my bed and told to be a good girl, as if I could be anything other! Mama J had a big grin on her face like a child going for a day out at a fun fair. I don’t think there was candy floss but Mama J’s appetite for soapy facts was most definitely wet.
   The trip there wasn’t without incident. Grandpa had consulted his Mapping Director named Mr Google who had told him which way to drive. However Mrs Sat-Nav had other ideas and kept directing them in totally the other direction. All they needed was One Direction blasting out on the radio at the point of every change in direction and Grandpa’s head would’ve been in a right old spin. They finally found the turn off to the ITV studios and saw the massive sign for Emmerdale. Yes, Sam Smith would’ve been proud as the writing really was on the wall there. They got out of the car and started walking towards the Emmerdale sign, however Grandpa must’ve had a premonition as he sensed they were going the wrong way. No, Mrs Sat-Nav or Mr Google required here just pure directional skill and a couple of kindly builders pointing the way in. Mama J did think they should’ve gone along to the main studios though for an element of soap star superstar spotting, totally by accident of course, yeah right! 
   Once they were in the purpose built studios they were greeted by really friendly staff. One lady on reception asked Mama J who her favourite character was and got a shock when Mama J replied, “Charity.” The lady looked bemused and said that was a first however when Mama J explained that, “She gets all the best lines!” the lady agreed with her that the character did get a well written script.

Once 11.30am on the dot came around their Tour Guide Sarah ushered them through into a room to watch a compilation video of some of Emmerdale’s best scenes and characters over the years. Granny could just about remember some of the clips however Grandpa who is not a big fan of any of the soaps (he prefers a Clint Eastwood Western or a dry history documentary) couldn’t remember hardly any of the scenes. Although he did remember Pasty Kensit in the role of the glamorous Sadie King. From there they were told how the storylines were framed together and that drawings are done in the planning of how a scene is set up. By the way it takes months for each half hour episode to be written. They really do need to pull their fingers out somewhat, I have a week turnaround to produce this level of written blogging brilliance! It was then onto wardrobe and make-up. Mama J and Granny were keen to have a peek at the clear containers with each character’s make-up products in them to see what lipsticks and eyeshadows their favourite actresses wore. The tour moved through to props where Granny enjoyed fingering Seth’s fish (it wasn’t as rude as it sounds)! From there they got to see some of the famous sets. Bernice’s salon was the first set they saw, (Grandpa was tempted to ask where Bernice was as he’s a Samantha Giles fan) where they got to learn about camera angles and lighting of the sets. Then it was onto Rhona and weirdo Pierce’s (he’s such an odd ball) living room where they could do a 10 second filmed piece to camera. Mama J declined the filming part but did have a picture taken on this set.
The next set was the famous Dingle room where they learnt how certain scenes were constructed. The final set was The Woolpack Pub which was brilliant as they all had a sit down and could have photos taken at the bar. As well as the sets they saw a scaled down version of the full Emmerdale village, which was fabulously built by the makers of Wallace and Gromit, sadly Shaun the Sheep wasn’t being sheared at the Barton’s farm. They were also told about some of the larger stunt scenes. Cameron Murray’s final stand-off where The Woolpack’s cellar flooded was actually filmed at Pinewood Studios. This is the studio where amongst other things, James Bond is filmed. I bet even the Emmerdale actors turned the wrong way in the car park if Mr Daniel Craig was down there on the days they were filming. 
Mama J really enjoyed it as she is such a massive fan of the show although Grandpa surprised the gentleman on reception and himself by announcing, “I’m embarrassed to say this but I actually really enjoyed it!” I wish I could’ve gone on the tour although I may not have got on with the Dingle’s handsome dog Alfie. Safer to guard the house I reckon than go get in a fight with a brawling Dingle!

To top the whole Emmerdale filled week off nicely, yesterday Mama J was at work and she got asked from a lady if she could borrow a pound for a trolley. The lady in question was Kate McGregor who used to play Emily Wylie/Dingle/Kirk in the soap. Mama J much to Grandpa’s annoyance didn’t let on that she recognised her as she didn’t want to embarrass the lady while she was doing her grocery shop. Although she did say she was very lovely and naturally so pretty. 


This week in my life has been one of the most stressful weeks of my whole time here. Please don’t worry, I’m not needing therapy for something to do with my puppy-hood. Although Mama J does keep saying, “We” need to sort out my manners towards other dogs. Especially after I greeted a new puppy to the village with a loud bark of Adele’s song, “HELLO!” 
   No, this was all to do with my family’s purchasing habits. For some time now Mama J has been on a very special treasure hunt. However this hunt wasn’t to see if she could find gold in them there hills. It was a far more intricate affair than that and one that has required skill, wily drive and determination and an eye for quality. Mama J has been seeking out a red handbag!
   For months now the call would go out from her bedroom and Granny would run up the stairs to see what bag beauty Mama J had found on this occasion. Then Granny would dissect the bags lack of quality, okay here I mean pockets and Mama J’s search would continue on its merry way for another day, week, month or even year. Yes, this ordeal has been going on for quite some time now. 
   On Thursday Mama J had the joy of having lunch with her best friend and her pals sister. Before they left for the pub Mama J was telling her friend of her handbag woes. Her friends father’s eyes glazed over, coma style as Mama J and her friend discussed enthusiastically what makes the perfect handbag. I think these two may have scarred the poor man for life. There’s clearly an art and definitely method in the madness of buying the ultimate bag.
   Mama J came back with renewed vigour and took to the Internet for another search. She found a couple that were suitable, however after she had already paid good money for a backpack last year, she’s always a little cagy on actually parting with her hard earned money.
   Mama J thought the backpack would make her look youthfully trendy. Well, she is in her late thirties now so she needs something to give her the edge again over all those spring chickens out there. She saw Cara Delevingne sporting one on a fashion blog and thought that was her must purchase bag. This bag unfortunately was a Cara Delevadon’t! As Mama J is small in stature this bag made her look five years old again. Yes, she was going for youthful but not turning the clock back to her infant school days. That handbag’s paper work was torn up into a million pieces, so she gave the backpack to her teenage cousin, who looked fabulous with it on her back.
   So on Thursday evening the jungle drums started banging once more and Granny again made the perilous journey up the stairs to see what delights Mama J had found this time. To Granny’s surprise Mama J had found a very similar bag to her pink Fossil Morgan one (which she loves to use on a day to day basis) just in her desired shade of red instead of pink. It had a number of pockets on it, just not as many as her beautiful Fossil bag but something Mama J thought she could compromise on.
   On Friday morning Mama J sent an order into Dougie at Debenhams. Dougie knows Mama J very well as he processed all her bras when finding the ultimate bra for her lack of Baywatch boob frame was her mission. With a new bag must come a new purse and Mama J’s fingers went click, click on John Lewis’ website as she saw a red one that she said wouldn’t be too much trouble to get used to.
   Yesterday morning arrived and Mama J was up with the lark as courier’s emails came flooding in. Firstly there was a knock at the door with Mama J’s new red handbag. She ripped into the packaging like an excited young child at Christmas. She tore up all the paper work and exclaimed this bag was, “Perfect!” Mama J waited until her red purse had arrived before transferring everything across into its new home. This is where the dawning realisation set in. The new handbag didn’t have as many pockets as the old one and then there was the new purse. Too say it looked like it had eaten the whole of everybody’s Christmas dinner was an understatement. It was proper bulging at the seams due to all Mama J’s store cards and coinage. Whereas everything fitted into Mama J’s Fossil bag and purse comfortably this all felt like a squeeze too far.
   Granny looked at Mama J and Mama J looked back at Granny then they both looked at the two handbags together. Sorry but this was a pocketless compromise too much for Mama J to bear. As Granny searched the bin for invoices to piece back together, Mama J went speedily on to swap everything back to its rightful place, in her old bag and purse. Mama J is now going to purchase the Fossil Morgan in majority of the colour range that is globally on offer and breathes a huge sigh of relief at never having to look for another handbag again. The trails and tribulations of finding your desired handbag and purse is right under your nose!

This wasn’t the only purchasing blunder my family made this week as Granny and Grandpa got in on the act too. We have had a fetching looking blow heater sat on the worktop at the bottom of the kitchen. This works an absolute treat in warming up the large room at nippy periods of the day and night.
   Granny and Grandpa are looking at redesigning the kitchen at some point this year and popping an Everhot in to both cook on and give a background warmth to the area. Until this happens they decided to buy a permanent blow heater that could be wall mounted above the cupboards to give off some heat. The one they found did its job to a point. However after Grandpa struggled for a good hour and a half on Friday morning putting it up, they all collectively decided that the less powerful (that’s what it says on the tin, sorry in the manual) blower wasn’t giving out the same level of heat as the trusty old one. So two days after Grandpa got on his ladders to put the blow heater up, Grandpa went back on his ladders to take the blow heater down. Yes, folks the wonderfully hot former blow heater is back on the kitchen top and Mama J for one is ever so pleased!

I’m going to confiscate all iPads, iPhones and Mac computers from my family until they learn to buy the correct items in the first place. Oh they do buy the correct items in the first place, then they spend a fortune finding out they had the correct item to begin with. There must be some therapy I can get them somewhere in the country! That’s right I don’t need to pay anything out I just need to hide their gadgets in a very remote part of the house! I’m off to do that right now.


Happy New Year folks and welcome to 2017! I hope you all had a fabulous Christmas and New Year period. My family and I certainly did.
   I got so excited about guess what… Yes the wrapping paper! Well, it did smell of doggie chocolate drops so there was a reason behind my mad fire place bag rooting action. Mama J bought me my chocolate drops and I’ve only just remembered why. She wanted to reconnect with the taste of them and reminisce about her past chocolate drop munching adventures. I’ve told you once and I don’t mind getting stern (like I do with other dogs when I go out in the village for a stroll) hands off Mama J they are for my furry mouth only.
   As well as my scrumptiously tasting chocolate drops I was fortunate enough to get a couple of toys to add to my growing collection. Also one of Mama J’s kind colleagues, who I know loves a laugh at the Chelton’s family’s antics through this blog (or should that be my weekly ramblings), got me the most beautifully festive scarf. I absolutely love it and sent her a thank you message with me sat proudly wearing it. She clearly has such excellent taste in accessories and knows how much I, a pooch of great style appreciate such a perfect present.
One of Mama J’s many gifts was a board game entitled The Best of TV and Movies. Grandpa found it while getting Mama J a set of dominoes. Sadly for Mama J these dominoes weren’t made in a triangle shape and flavoured with BBQ chicken. We got Granny’s delicious turkey offerings with Yorkshire puddings instead so it wasn’t too bad a trade off. Grandpa did spot another board game called The Best of British which is about everyday life in Britain. However he thought the telly one would be more apt for Mama J as she does like to make her eyes square by watching the box for hours on end. Take me out (no I don’t mean the Paddy McGuinness dating show) instead and let’s be at one with nature. Yes, I mean picking up my pooh after I’ve finish squatting when I say at one with nature.
   After our Christmas lunch the fun really began as Grandpa cracked open the board game to the challenge of Mama J’s competitive nature and boy is she competitive. This being a television and movie quiz Mama J thought she had the upper hand (ah The Upper Hand that was a great 90s family comedy programme). However Grandpa seemed to bumble through the games rules as he went along, using them to his advantage or cheating as Mama J so eloquently put it. 
   The first time they played to Mama J’s anger Grandpa won, however the second and third time they played over the Christmas period with the rules fully established by all concerned, Mama J won. The first time she won with questions on Baywatch. Who’d have thought Mitch Buchannon would have helped Mama J in the quest for quiz winning supremacy? Then the second time they played the winning questions were all about TV medical dramas. Not only did Mama J correctly answer the two questions her team needed to win the game but she answered the next two questions right also. 
   The only time she did make an absolute hash of it was very amusing to Granny and Grandpa indeed. The question went along the lines of, “Which soap opera’s title refers to the points of a compass?” Mama J answered quickly and self assuredly, “Crossroads!” Oh dear, Granny and Grandpa looked and then cracked out laughing and then asked Mama J which soap Mama J made the family miserably watch each evening. Sorry Mama J even Benny’s famous beanie hat couldn’t save you from the tongue lashing Dame Barbara Windsor would give you should you ever have the pleasure of meeting her. She’d summon Peggy Mitchell up from beyond the grave and yell at you in her infamous Cockney tone, “Get out of my pub!” Mama J then used the excuse that she was too intelligent and had overthought the answer. She’s a confident bird even in the jaws of defeat by an Eastenders question.

Following on from the wonderful animated adventures of Ethel and Ernest the previous night, my family sat down to watch a movie they had all eagerly awaited that had been on the planner since Christmas Day, Frozen.
   They were all sat there in anticipatory glory as the film started and halfway through it they all began to look at each other in wonderment at how rubbish the film actually was. Mama J exclaimed at one point, “Well it certainly isn’t The Lion King!” No, Mama J I can’t see the African plains or a lion in sight. All I can see is Sir David Attenborough Frozen Planet in cartoon form, so no this is definitely not The Lion King.
   As the film progressed their disappointed grew until the end when they all cheered from the floor (where Grandpa sits on an evening with a cushion to stop his bum going numb) and sofa. The one thing Mama J was really thoughtful about (analysing a Disney film seems a bit deep to me) was why little girls across the world love Elsa so much. Mama J got so enraged about this and Disney’s merchandising campaign to do with Elsa that she typed into Google, “Why do girls like Elsa more than Anna?” It seems that other people had the same deep thoughts on the subject as Mama J read blogs analysing the situation in full detail. It’s a cartoon dear people, calm down! Grandpa said it was because when Elsa transformed she got to wear a nice dress, look glamorous and she was the one with the magic powers. Mama J being more for real women (oh dear this has now turned into a feminist argument in my household, I’m ducking and taking cover) stated that little girls should want to be like Anna as she is smart, funny, uncomplicated and most of all kind. Grandpa disagreed and said they wanted to be glamorous like the cast of TOWIE. Mama J felt that Disney missed a massive trick with their marketing campaign and overall positive promotion of female characters by not promoting Anna as the star of the show. Having said that seen as merchandise from this movie has sold more than any other animated film in history, I think they'll be happy to just, “Let It Go!” Well, just this once.