CHANGING ROOMS

To my regular readers, please except not my but Mama J’s most humble apologises for her lack of editorial input last week. She is on her hands and knees as my paws tap frantically along the keyboard, begging you for forgiveness for her being a total no show blogging wise. If I went totally freelance I would cause an international incident bark/typing wise so I need Mama J’s steady hand on the word guidance front.
   Now for the reason why she wasn’t available. Was she out making a difference in society? Helping her friends perhaps? Caring for animals that weren’t even me? Well, that last one better not be true otherwise we’ll be having stern words once this is pawed. No, Mama J was letting her creative juices flow in her bedroom. Please Mama J will you stop trying to conjure up images of Idris Elba naked in your bedroom! Sorry love but unless this blog becomes world famous it really isn’t going to happen… Oh bugger she’s getting a bit teary now, I better stop with my extremely harsh impression of Strictly Come Dancing Judge Craig Revel Horwood and tell her she’s fab-u-lous!

Mama J decided the other Monday night, right in the middle of Coronation Street that she fancied a change of look. This was bedroom wise and not hair cut wise, which was getting to be a standard occurrence most times she was booked in for a trim, until she decided that long flowing locks were the order of the hairdressing day. So she set about single handedly saving the interior design world one quilt cover, towel set, picture print and chair at a time! Now Mama J had a bedroom that made Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat look positively dull. Changing Room’s Designer Laurence Llewelyn Bowen would’ve being so proud as there was a manically coloured chair that matched or well really didn’t, her even more manically coloured bedspreads. Yes, bedspreads really is what the old girl calls them, like something out the 1950s. Mama J they are duvet covers, please will you just get with the times. Anyway you can see why I didn’t want to spend the full night in there and retreated to Granny and Grandpa’s room. It was like sleeping in Austin Powers groovy baby boudoir.
   She then started looking for inspiration, we could all do with a bit of that with Mama J’s high fluting ideas and found it on Pinterest, which became her go to creative ideas guru. It was decided that her room was going to be calming shades of grey and yellow. Then her mission which she very much did choose to except was to find a grey chair, which she managed to source on Dunelm’s website. After choosing an absolute beauty of a chair and ordering it and then finding some bedspreads sorry duvet sets to blend her grey and yellow vision, Mama J and Granny set off in search of towels, so there was a greater flow of continuity into her en-suite.
   She found two sets of towels, one grey and one yellow and began wandering around the Dunelm store to see what pictures they had in stock. En-route Mama J and Granny had to walk through the chair department and spotted a beautiful grey chair that wasn’t on their website but was actually on sale in store.
Mama J’s eyes welled up, think Bambi when his mother was killed but not quite as drastic of course, as she sat in this perfectly stuffed seat. Her bum had never felt such cushioning she was exclaiming to Granny as she sat and looked to the skies, well the shops ceiling for divine intervention or a customer services number to cancel her existing order. Mama J initially walked away from the chair and round to the picture department but was so distracted that she couldn’t concentrate on the array of wonderful prints that were on display. As she went back to have another look at the chair, she said to Granny that she would have to take a cushion and turn it into a feudal stick Jet from Gladiator’s style should anyone dare to try and purchase the gorgeous grey chair. The chair was still there as Mama J glared at anyone who passed it and looked in its direction. She made an extremely speedy purchase and then made a very simple telephone call to cancel her previous Dunelm order. The world of Mama J was an ecstatically happy place, as has been her bottom sat on its new throne.

Lastly she needed to find some pictures for her bathroom area, as she felt multicoloured cars weren’t really a racing vision in her mind anymore. At first she was going to go with inspirational quotes such as lines from the movie Rocky. However starting her morning with a wee and the words, “The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place…” Wasn’t really the way to go. Although I do know this speech revs itself up to be very motivational towards the end of the quote. Also she didn’t go with an Audrey Hepburn quote, as she thought that when she entered her bathroom in the morning with her hair all dishevelled, she didn’t feel she could ever pull off the grace and beauty that Audrey possessed. Now come on Mama J, you are awesome too!
   It was decided that she would purchase some extremely quirky dog photographs that even I couldn’t have pulled off modelling wise.
They really finish off the area perfectly as did repainting her barometer from turquoise to a dark grey. I do question her ever getting into an eBay bidding war (yes it really did happen) over her barometer, as Mama J can just open her curtains and have a peep out of the window to see what the weather is doing but creatively it does look quite cool and stop her from getting down and groovy to the not so trendy national shipping forecasts just yet. That Grandma move could be coming anytime soon from her though!


REINVENTION OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE, ONE POLO BEAR AND PUDDLE BIKE AT A TIME!

This week I bring you tales of the unexpected from the inner workings of not my creative mind but that of Mama J’s crazy brain. Last week saw President Trump’s two favourite words added to The Collins Dictionary. Yes, poor Donald with his very large inferiority complex thinks that everything written about him is in fact “fake news” actually managed to obtain the kudos of having these gems added into the famous book of words. Bless him he really needs to see a Therapist and realise that not all the world is against him but just a few mild mannered people who mean the human race no harm whatsoever! Okay I better stop stirring the pot here otherwise I’ll be on the receiving end of a Twitter tirade telling me I’m a phoney Yorkshire Terrier, which is never a good thing to aspire to be and also causing a global incident. It’s just like your average week on The Real Housewives Of Cheshire in Donald’s international world of bother causing.
Well, Mama J not only invented two brand spanking new words but also a new animal and a new method of transportation to boot. Who said you can’t reinvent the wheel?
   The first word came about when she was groaning about her legs aching slightly. Granny pointed out that other people in the world were suffering more and to spare a thought for Ed Sheeran. This is multi-millionaire Ed Sheeran with all his wonderful array of musical talents? Why would Mama J need to be concerned about Ed? Granny then went on to inform Mama J that Ed had recently fallen off his bike and broke both his arms, which for a touring guitar player and of course singer might not go down to well with the paying public who are expecting him to give a full on “turn”. Mama J enquired, “Was it a motor bike or a puddle bike?” Granny looked bemused and my head shot up from her lap as she asked, “A what? A puddle bike? What the hell is a puddle bike?” Come on now guys you were all thinking I’d made a typo error there weren’t you? At first though I think Granny thought a puddle bike was a new type of bike, you know like a BMX, a Chopper or a mountain bike. When in fact Mama J actually got tongue tied and just meant a pedal bike!
The next new word came about last night when we were all sat watching the very excellent Blue Planet 2 and Granny dared to question some of the facts that Sir David Attenborough was coming out with. “How does he really know that? How do they create new creatures every time this programme is on? Do you think they set some of it up in an aquarium?” With that Mama J recalled, “Oh yes like when they filmed those Polo Bears in that zoo!” Granny nearly choked on the wine she was trying to drink and yes my head shot up again and looked at Mama J for her incorrect usage of the English language. A Polo Bear? Now I’ve heard of the game of Polo and my head was on horse back, galloping along with my hair blowing gently in the breeze by this point but Granny obviously interpreted it slightly differently and asked, “Do these bears have holes in their middles?” This conversation was getting more bizarre by the second however then I cottoned on that they might be bears that leave your breath smelling minty fresh too! Answers on a postcard if you know what I’m talking about here.
All in all with the fireworks then Blue Planet 2’s eerie music that made the Jaws soundtrack sound like Frozen my karma was truly shattered last night. It’s time for a relaxing rest on the sofa this morning.


FROM HOSPITAL TO WONDER WOMAN IN ONE FELL WALKING SWOOP

I’ll let you into a little secret. Well, this is actually a huge secret for a tiny but massive in personality Yorkshire Terrier such as myself to be burdened with for all these weeks. My Mama J is a fully fledged superhero! She is Wonder Woman in an animal print jumper. That’s what she is wearing today so we’ll have go with that description. Before you think I’ve gone crazy with my imaginative brain powers, I have not. She saw herself as Wonder Woman when she went for hypnotherapy to calm her down prior to her heart surgery last week and the role sits very nicely indeed on her shoulders. Crown, wrist bands and all! Even the Hypnotherapist encouraged her superhero powers by buying her a Wonder Woman t-shirt and of course I have my superhero bandana which goes very aptly to transform me into Wonder Woman’s partner in universe saving action.
With her new powers of calmness against the odds, Mama J was able to conquer her nemesis, the hospital doors! We all got up a 5.30am. Yes, I know my eyes hurt when Granny turned the bedroom light on for Grandpa to take me out for my very early morning stroll. Was this more Bear Grylls survival training in the mix? I have a few riders for such adventures such as wanting treats on demand when I give a paw or a stern nod.
   Once Mama J was dressed we all jumped into the car at 6.50am and travelled the hour’s drive to the hospital. Mama J usually freaks out on arrival at the hospital entrance but this time she kissed me and Grandpa goodbye and ran in through the sliding doors, her superhero cape blowing in the breeze. Just kidding her superhero training hadn’t fully kicked in but her bladder sure had. She was like Anneka Rice on Challenge Anneka bounding in looking for the nearest toilet! She bounced passed Rachel who was part of the hospital’s psychological support team apologising for her unruly water works as she went. When she’d finished her ablutions Mama J and her entourage of Granny and Rachel went up to check herself into the health spa, sorry hospital ward for the duration of her stay.
   On being checked in Mama J had to run through the necessary paperwork with the nursing staff and an extremely cheeky Anaesthetist. The chap asked her for her address, date of birth and then bank details! Mama J being the feisty and security conscious lady that I know and love chirped back, “I’m not giving you that information. I’ve only just met you!” She had one concern that the Anaesthetist allayed which was getting the cannula in her hand. His reply was, “If I get it in there in one will you give me your bank details?” She looked amused and answered, “You’ve got to get it in there first to find out!” With the banter over with Mama J put on her hospital gown and paper underpants. Somehow I don’t think these knickers will ever catch on and feature in any of Marks and Spencer underwear collections any time soon! With that they called her through to the lab, yes the lab not even an operating theatre. Now come on was she really having an operation done or a beauty treatment? The procedure began to be very real.
   Now Mama J isn’t very bendy at the best of times but she had to get on a step ladder and hop onto a tiny bed. The steps made her feel like she was about to go horse riding again and this was going to be one hell of a different ride. Once on the bed all she discussed before she went to sleep was Yorkshire Tea. See a good brew really is the meaning of life after all. I thought the deep and funny stuff was meant to come out of your mouth after waking up from an anaesthetic not before.

Once Mama J came around and vital checks were done she was wheeled back through to the ward where Granny was waiting to greet her and tell her the good news. This was that her valve replacement was a total success and they’d managed to also widen an artery while they were in there too.
   Following Granny telling her this excellent news one of the doctor’s who performed the procedure came to say how delighted he was with he outcome, how he’d be interested to see how she was getting on in clinic in three months time and that to road test the new valve he wanted Mama J to go hill walking! Oh yes you know what this means for an exercise loving loon like me? I’ve got a partner in marching crime now! Thank you Doctor, I’ll pay you later.
   Mama J who was still dazed by the anaesthetic couldn’t quite take this in and started chanting in rhythm, “Hill walking! Hill walking. He wants me to go hill walking!” Granny looked on and just nodded along with her chanting as did everyone else on the ward. So that was the patients, their visiting friends and relatives and all the staff who came to check up on her, all nodding in unison at Mama J’s chanting or ranting. I bet it was like one of those annoying tunes you can’t get out of your head. The Hill Walking song. I might paw it and go on Britain’s Got Talent to see what Simon Cowell makes of it all.

Mama J tried to rest through the night although with all the monitors bleeping, (I’d have been barking away at them had I being there) blood pressure checks and patients snoring this was very difficult indeed. At 3.30am Mama J could take no more and made her way to the nurses station for a bit of quiet contemplation. On telling them of her stresses they made her a cup of tea, cracked open a tub of Celebrations chocolate and gave her the latest edition of Closer magazine to read. Mama J was slightly disappointed it wasn’t Hello magazine but beggars can’t be choosers at that time in the morning.
 After a half hour sit down Mama J went back to her bed for another session of staring at the ceiling then at the monitor and then back at the ceiling again.

Mama J was up with the lark at 6.30am and had her hair done and a full face of make up on by 6.45am. She was coming home after her overnight stay and couldn’t wait for Granny to arrive at 10am to collect her. Prior to that she had an echocardiogram and an x-ray to have which didn’t go without event. 
   On the way back from the echo test Mama J’s very tense and tired right leg turned rogue and grew a mind of its own. Don’t you just love it when a leg does that? It then kicked off completely and tripped Mama J up to the absolute horror of the Radiographer who was walking her back to the ward. He’d already told her about his pace maker whilst he was running the test so he knew he could jokingly tell her off for startling his pace maker into action. On graciously receiving an apology from Mama J for her legs misbehaviour he said, “It’s not every day a lady throws herself at my feet.” He scraped Mama J up, tucked her under his arm and frogmarched her back to the ward like a scene from war movie Black Hawk Down. Leave no patient behind was the order of that day. Poor man was as white as a sheet but Mama J knowing her legs unruly behaviour took it all in her stride and returned to the ward with a grin on her face. She was coming home!
Since getting home Mama J has had lots of cuddles from me. On the day of her discharge I even ran up the stairs and sat halfway up them just to make sure she got down safely. Mama J’s friend said she’d be treated like royalty and she felt she wouldn’t have received better care were she from The Royal House Of Windsor. All the staff did an amazing job and I’m so grateful to them for looking after my Mama J so well and giving me the opportunity to take her hill walking! Onwards and up wards literally from now on!






MISS MOTIVATOR'S FLYING POO!

Well, I knew that upping the anti with regard to Mama J’s fitness levels was going to be a difficult and trying ask even for a hard task master such a myself. I’m the Lord Sugar of the dog world! Although when she came home from work for her holiday’s announcing that she’d had to perform a number of her afternoon’s activities whilst riding the store’s motability scooter, my first thought wasn’t exactly is she joining the cast of Benidorm as a racing rival for Madge?
   Mama J has suffered with lack of energy due to thyroid issues for the last month or so but this was going to be a disaster for my bladder and bowels whilst my Granny and Grandpa were away. A girl needs to limber up towards a number one (wee) and a number two (poo) twice a day with a little gentle exercise. I hardly think going up our neighbour’s driveway will suffice to adequately get my “movements” flowing!
Granny and Grandpa set off for the airport at 1.30am and I was most upset to be awoken from my dreamy existence, especially as I was dreaming about long luscious walks followed by scrumptious doggie treats. Now there really is the way to a Yorkshire Terrier’s heart!
   Mama J was ready for my wailing and ushered me into her room and onto her comfy bed. However I couldn’t settle and ran off around the landing to see if Granny and Grandpa were still in their room and it was just a dream like when Bobby Ewing wasn’t killed off and was actually taking a shower in Dallas. Sadly this wasn’t the case and I was left in charge of Mama J for a whole week. 
Well, I needn’t of worried about lack of inactivity on Mama J’s part as she absolutely rose to my challenge each and every day of Granny and Grandpa’s Spanish tour. I’m clearly good stimulation for the thyroid gland so can just call me Dr Elsie! On the Saturday I got so giddy with the sunshine that was flowing through our living room window. Yes, I know it was the end of September however Yorkshire was experiencing a nice dose of Vitamin D enhancing rays and Mama J and I were out and about feeling the benefits.
   I demanded a walk around our gorgeous village each and every hour on that Saturday and Mama J’s iPhone said we walked collectively 2.3 miles. Mama J needed a sit down and a cup of tea in between walking courses, however it will teach her for ever saying she gets bored on a weekend due to a lack of This Morning and Loose Women on the telly!

I did have a few diva moments along the way with Mama J and her behaviour. Don’t judge me people, you don’t have to live with her! The first one was when she tried to get into bed while I was already laid comfortably on top of the covers. How dare she come out of her bathroom, put her body lotion on her skin then demand to get into her own bed? I ask you, who the hell does she think she is? I jumped off the bed in a fit of rage, ran onto the landing and refused to come into the room for all of five minutes when I got tired and cold. I was still in a strop the next morning and kept showing her the whites of my eyes. They say it’s an elephant that never forgets, well I’m a Yorkshire Terrier with a good memory too!
   The second incident was when Mama J left me for four hours to go back to work. Now I know she hired me a lovely dog walker to give me my afternoon stroll but I thought we were a team! Once we’d had our teas I ran over sofa on the other side of the living room and kept peeping at Mama J in pure disgust at her money earning actions. She kept trying to call me over but I was having none of it… Well until a treat was mentioned then all was forgiven. I really must work on my resolve next time I get cross and shouldn’t be so easily bribed!
I did have a few incidents with doggies in my village when Mama J and I were strolling around and sometimes even my behaviour was slightly daft (Mama J’s making me write this section). We were walking down our road and we came across Watson, my handsome boyfriend. Instead of greeting in my usual friendly manner I barked at him. Then something went off in my brain and I realised it was Watson and I ran over to him and sniffed his nose lovingly. 
   The next incident happened when I decided to do a number two outside Noodle's house and World War Three nearly broke out. Noodle either heard Mama J cooing at me that I was a good girl for doing a poo or she sensed intuitively that I was there. With that barking ensued right at the moment Mama J was bagging up my doggie debris. I began spinning her around as I thought we were under attack as I couldn't figure out that the barking was coming from the other side of the gates. Mama J quickly moved me on to minimum safe distance and secured the bagged poo with a tight knot! Phew as we thought we were going to have a case of the flying s**t on our hands and paws!

SOAP DRAMA OF A SUPER SONIC HAIR RAISING VARIETY

Autumn is definitely in the air and oh yes blowing through my freshly cut hair. Granny decided that it was high time I had my quarterly trim and monthly bath. However I did quite enjoy looking like a member of Bon Jovi in the 1980s, crank the music up and I’m living on a prayer with lovely Jon! Now I say monthly bath however I last had one just before my holiday (yes the one that got ruined by Mama J’s childish rocking bed antics that weren’t fresh from the pages of Fifty Shades Of Grey) to the Lake District back in July. Although just so you don’t all think I’m some sort of doggie shampoo dodger, I do have almost daily dips in the kitchen sink just to keep my furry legs and my feminine areas clear of mud and other roadside obscenities. We live in a farming community I’ll let you guess what I’m talking about when I say obscenities. Oh my life is so full of glamour!
Mama J knows it is autumn too as her evening televisual entertainment just got cranked up a few hundred notches. She’s started drawing up a very studious spreadsheet on the computer as her brain is getting frazzled with the planning guide of what to watch and then what to tape. Eh don’t I sound old? Tape, sorry I mean record on the Freeview box. That or I’ll be going old school and getting myself on eBay to look for a Betamax video recorder that looked like something out of Star Wars. Oh with all his fine tutorship my Grandpa must be so proud of the furry granddaughter I’ve become in sourcing antique electrical items for his to reminisce over. Mind you This Morning did do a feature on retro goods and Mama J was tempted to buy herself a Sega Mega Drive to reconnect with Sonic The Hedgehog, as well as her youth.
Eastenders had Mama J’s blood pressure raised all last week with a gas explosion, Johnny getting shot, Jane nearly getting burnt like toast in her own restaurant, Bernadette having a miscarriage, an ambulance crash and oh yes Steven dying! My heart is racing now just typing my paws on this keyboard whilst thinking about the catalogue of disasters that Walford’s suffered. I’m a writer with many storyline ideas but one must think they could’ve saved a few ideas for this weeks episodes, there’s at least a months worth of telly they could’ve spun out there minus the sped up version accompanied by Benny Hill music! Okay so that last bit didn’t happen but was definitely a welcome figment in my imagination amongst all the high drama. 
   Mama J did have an offer of an evening in the village pub but please don’t telling the charming Landlord and Landlady, she turned Granny and Grandpa down to stay in and give me cuddles, which is very kind of her but she also wanted to see what happened next in Hollyoaks and Emmerdale. I like the way she blames it on me and my beautiful face however I know there are devious ulterior motives at play. I love her cheek and forgive though as I got lots of attention that evening while Granny and Grandpa were tasting the pub’s latest delicious curry offerings.
Now I’m signing this off until the beginning of October as Granny and Grandpa are going away to Spain for a glass or two of sangria and leaving me in charge of Mama J and her wellbeing. I need wishing all the luck in the world with this task as you all know what a diva she can be. I’ll be looking longingly at her and whipping her into shape again with my demands of three walks a day. Well, who said there can only be one diva in a household? 


WELCOME TO THE HOUSE OF CROCKS

So I have been the healthiest member of my family by an absolute square mile this week. Yes, that’s even with my epilepsy, minus eight teeth mouth and behavioural issues that at times towards other dogs would make the Lucifer look like the Angel Gabriel! Although Your Honour I’m improving walk by walk and day by day. I even managed an even tempered meeting with my arch frenemy yesterday afternoon which sent Granny into glowing raptures of sheer pleasure.
Mama J is still off work with her thyroid issues, violins playing Vivaldi at the ready if you please. Then not to be out done Granny started getting stomach pains and a sickie taste in her mouth. She blamed a dodgy fry up even though Mama J and Grandpa thoroughly enjoyed their eggs, bacons and the works with no ill effects. Ah there’s no accounting for needs of Granny’s fine dining palate.
   She started at about 6am on Wednesday feeling nauseous and went downstairs to get a glass of Diet Coca Cola. Although just to stop me getting sued for my biscuits, I must point out that other brands of coke do apply. There I’ve covered todays legal angle like the doggie version of Ally McBeal. Granny must’ve read a memo or an old wives tale that says fizzy pop is good for a dicky stomach as well as perking up the soul at times. Or is that tea? Anyhow she had her drink and came back to bed to rest with me until it was time for my walk. 
   Grandpa was up for work and had a momentary lapse of brain power (it’s his age, more on that later) and suggested that Mama J would have to walk me when she was up and dressed. Ah the only problem with that was that Mama J had been taking until lunchtime to settle her palpitations down and even if I promised to be on my best behaviour barking and bouncing wise the actual walking part of the walk might have caused an issue. Grandpa would probably have done his days work and gotten home by the time we ventured down the driveway.
   Granny had to go for it! She like Obi-Wan Kenobi was my only hope of feeling the breeze blowing through my wild hair and starting on other pooches in the area. Granny and I went gingerly down the road. She hoped we wouldn’t run into George Clooney as she was make-up less with her hair unwashed and looking a bit green around the gills. We made it out and back then Granny had to straighten Mama J’s bed before crawling into her own slumber for the day. Yes, folks at thirty-seven years and counting Mama J requires assistance with making up a bed properly. Now Granny does have exceptionally high standards, remember we did rename her Mrs Patmore but I don’t feel that chamber maiding would ever be a fine career choice for Mama J. The bed looked more ruffled with Mama J’s attention added than when she had just got out of it!
   With the bed sorted out and Granny safely tucked up and resting it was left to me to be quiet for the rest of the day. Have you ever heard of the Bjork song It’s Oh So Quiet? Now instead of loud musical instruments playing a merry tune when it got to the part where Bjork yells, “And so peaceful until!” I gave my best barking version of the jolly song, every time anybody meandered passed the living window. This was followed by Mama J’s dulcet tones going, “Elsie be quiet! Granny’s not well!” Fortunately for me poor Granny was asleep and undisturbed for most of the day and felt a lot better when she got up in the early evening.
Grandpa, not to be outdone by his girls went off to his karate class and his back told him he wasn’t as young as he thought. He was doing break kicks on the floor or was it meant to be a reenactment of Run-DMC’s It’s Like That video? Break kicking or break dancing it doesn’t really matter as today my Grandpa is a broken man with a broken back. Okay I might be exaggerating a little but you’ve got to play for the drama right? Mama J suggested pilates as a calmer alternative for muscular exercise rather than training to be the next Mr Miyagi. I think it definitely might be safer as the poor man is having trouble walking, standing, sitting and lying down right now! Oh to be young again eh Grandpa? So I’ve got my paws crossed and I’m thinking positive thoughts that we will have reached a turning point in the house of crocks. That or I’ll be looking online for a nurses uniform.


RIDING A TRICYCLE TO A DEEP FAT FRYER FULL OF YUMMY CHIPS

So Mama J has turned into a spending demon of late. Has she won the lottery again without telling me? I say again as the highest amount she has ever won was a very respectable £125, which isn’t bad but sadly isn’t going to have us cruising gangster rapper style in a Bentley. Oh I’m mixing up a beautiful mind montage of Mama J and I in matching Oakley sunglasses driving around looking for hot guys. Mine of the dog world and Mama J’s of… The dog world too! Um that doesn’t sound right however she doesn’t need or want a man anyway. Unless Idris Elba is free to come cruising with us, then he might be permitted to hitch a ride.

Now Mama J hasn’t being recreating the famous scene from Pretty Woman where Julia Roberts goes on a shopping spree, clothing wise. No, her spends have being much more focused than that. Firstly she got the idea of building a tricycle. Yes, she amended the Queen song slightly and wants to ride her tricycle, tricycle! This all happened about two weeks ago at about 5 o’clock in the morning. You can see where I get my random and creative thought processes from now can’t you? She has no prior knowledge of how to build even flat pack furniture let alone something as technical as a tricycle. However at 5.14am she had worked out that she would need to go to the DIY store and purchase some brightly coloured metal paint (well no one wants a dull and boring black tricycle do they) like you’d use on garden furniture to make her creation look pretty but also be weather proof. She’s ever the practical soul! 
   On getting up later that morning Mama J enthusiastically shared her idea with my extremely puzzled looking Granny, who I do believe was slightly worried about Mama J’s 5am sanity levels. Granny then pointed out that you can buy perfectly decent tricycles online these days instead of Mama J making the tricycle equivalent of Frankenstein’s monster. Mama J set about eBay in search of such a thing and found some totally spiffing ones indeed! 
   I must explain why Mama J wanted a tricycle and not a bicycle and this is purely for safety reasons. You see Mama J on two wheels wobbling around the roads of Britain would need more insurance than Richard Hammond needs to film his next The Grand Tour driving experience. It just makes the world a safer place. Oh then there’s the fact that when she was trying to master the art of riding a two wheel bike with the help of Grandpa for stability, every time something went wrong and ultimately she fell off it was Grandpa who was sadly in the firing line with diva cries of, “You’re trying to murder me!” She’s not dramatic at all is she? So you see a tricycle is much better than Grandpa ending up being accused again of a crime he didn’t commit.
   On looking further into these tricycles Mama J found some very cool looking fold up ones that were great for shed based storage purposes. The only factor that stood between Mama J and eventually purchasing one of these tricycles was the dreaded hallway test. Would she be able to get it from the back yard and down the hall without the removal of any walls? The answer from Grandpa’s tape measure was sadly, “No!” 
   Undeterred on her Tour De France cycling mission Mama J came up with another good idea, she’s just like Frank Spencer with her light bulb moments. This was a fold up exercise bike or to give it its proper name a Mini Pedal Exerciser. Mama J armed with Grandpa’s tape measure ran upstairs and measured the section between the floor and the bed and found that she had 7cm’s to spare. She then pressed buy on eBay and her cycling training accompanied by lifting weights began in ernest last Monday. By Tuesday she was struck down with a cold and by Friday she was sent home from work with palpitations and a fever. She’s had to have the entire weekend off work and has struggled with even basic tasks like getting dressed and more scarily than that putting make-up on. I thought Halloween had come early yesterday morning as she was so pale, she looked like she was auditioning for the cast of The Addams Family. In Mama J’s defence her illness isn’t all down to exercising like a lunatic as her thyroid medication has recently being tweaked by the hospital. Even so I do think sitting around watching soap operas might be a safer past time for Mama J than endurance exercising and being inspired by Chris Hadfield to go on the next series of Astronauts: Do You Have What It Takes? Well, that will be a no in Mama J’s case!
Mama J’s next exciting purchase was a mini deep fat fryer. It is like The Generation Game with me guessing what is going to come through the door next. Cuddly toy anyone? Oh the joy on Mama J’s face when she purchased her fryer was a sight to behold. Just think of the magic and wonderment of a child meeting Santa Claus for the first time. Her delight at not having to eat soggy oven chips at home again was just like visiting Narnia. Mama J has being warned by Granny that she will have to cook with and then clean her chip fryer out herself. However as a thirty-seven year old woman of the world, I’m sure with a showing of the ropes from Granny say a few hundred times, Mama J will one day in the very distant future perfect this trick altogether. Crispy chip anyone?


IT'S PEE PEE TIME!

Remember how I told you the other week about my quiet behaviour when people visited our house? This has being named by Mama J as a chew enhanced lifestyle and comes highly recommended to all barking dog households. Pooches be ready to be tantalised into quiet but yummy submission.
   Well, I’m pleased to announce that my peaceful behaviour has now transcended onto my walks and with other dogs too. It’s only taken me over two and a half years to finally make some friends in the village. Mind you my Yorkshire Terrier birth Mother did tell me not to talk to strangers. Always wise advice to take on board. I’ve watched those stranger danger videos on Youtube and don’t want dognaping from my luxury lifestyle do I? 
   Yes, folks I’ve had something of a miracle epiphany. Was it the bones? Is there something in the water such as gin? Am I growing up to finally realise not every dog is like Jon Voight’s character in Enemy Of The State? Who knows but my family are overjoyed at finally being able to have a proper full and frank conversation without me barking at everyone else’s canines.
   To be fair to me, which seen as I’m writing this, I don’t have to be too harsh on myself, I have got a few firm furry friends in the village already. However these dogs that I’m now ignoring were on my hit list for a verbal telling off for upsetting me in some way, shape or form in a previous life. Clearly I’ve been reincarnated and now have had another reincarnation whilst living my life with the Chelton family.
   Anyway I’m getting told that I’m a good girl, getting lots of cuddles, oh and yes the treat cupboard door should be changed immediately to a revolving one as it is open more times than it is shut. Why didn’t I work this calm quietness out sooner? I could’ve had a full belly permanently!
I thought on Thursday morning that Mama J had won a World Championships medal at the London games, as cheering of a very loud nature came out of her bathroom door and carried on down the landing. Well, sadly for Mama J you don’t get a gold medal for peeing!
   Don’t worry Mama J isn’t regressing and learning to potty train again. Although the way she was clutching her pot full of wee and screaming, “I’ve done it! I’ve done my wee!” did remind Granny of a holiday when Mama J waltzed into the hotel’s packed out dining room and announced that she’d done a poo! She was thirty-two years old at the time! Just kidding!
   Anyhow Thursday’s urine sample was to take with her to a hospital appointment later that day. I can’t tell you what for as I’d be giving away trade secrets. However I will say this if Mama J ever gets herself pregnant and needs to do a sample every time she has a medical appointment, Granny, Grandpa and I are moving out! She kept looking at the tiny pot she’d been given from the doctor’s surgery and at one point was standing in the kitchen, well to put that properly, squatting in the kitchen and pretending to pee into the pot! It was award winning acting in the kitchen that day! She had more moves than the Eric Prydz, Call On Me dance video. I must say to spare Mama J’s blushes that her underpants and jeans remained firmly on. The kitchen based role didn’t require any removal of clothing until she got up to her ensuite, squatted with the pot placed just shy of the toilet seat and then aimed and fired!
   So I’m pleased to announce that the clinic said Mama J’s wee was the largest they’d seen in sometime. Mama J, please do stop putting words into my mouth and through to my paws. Oh and they say men like to exaggerate about the size of their…!   




DO NETFLIX SHOW REGIONAL NEWS TO MAKE MAMA J EXCITED?

Mama J is a very trying (sometimes on the families patience but that’s a different matter entirely) lady at times. Last week this was in a life enhancing manner indeed, or so she thought. Yes, folks that’s where the trying part really took place and Mama J got an A* from me for effort!
   Off she scuttled, like I do when I have an itch on one of my legs, up the stairs to her computer. She mainly watches YouTube videos on how to make me an Internet sensation. Am I not one yet? I’ve only been on with this blogging malarkey for a year and a half now. You’d think an extremely talented blogging Yorkshire Terrier would be making more headlines than hot couple Zoella and Alfie Deyes by now. Oh I sound so bitter and twisted. Someone get me another bone to chomp on before misery really sets in and I can’t even make myself chuckle let alone anyone else with my comedy take on the world. 
   So this time around Mama J wasn’t looking for stardom tips although she was looking for videos that the whole family could enjoy. Oh no please not Frozen again, as apart from the soaps that was the last thing we all enjoyed, sorry fans of Olaf I mean endured there as a family. Well, that’s my name struck off a few thousand people’s Christmas card list for disrespecting the snowman and his Princesses.

On returning from my afternoon stroll with Granny and Grandpa we were greeted by a beaming Mama J from the top of the stairs. I thought she had found divine intervention in life as she almost was shrouded with a halo like glow. My next thought was, have we won the lottery? Oh now what website was that jewel encrusted dogs bed on? It did look so comfy and fit for a Queen like me! However sadly I was wrong on both accounts. Mama J’s excitement was all about signing herself for a free month’s trial of Netflix!
Not only that but she was wading her way through the series of Doctor Foster that she’d missed when it was shown on the BBC a few years back.
   She turned Doctor Gemma Foster off her computer and marched down the stairs, grinning like a Cheshire cat to show Granny and Grandpa how to get onto Netflix on the Smart TV and also show them that she’d given them a name tag each (this is like being back at primary school, I do hope they were sewed into their jerseys) for them to store their programmes in.
   Once she had put all her password in to the television, Grandpa gave Mama J a list of programmes that he might want to watch. It started with Game Of Thrones. Mama J typed this into the search bar and Netflix engine found various films and shows which sort of matched the title, but not Game Of Thrones. He then tried Westworld, where the same thing happened. Mama J tried searching for slightly older programmes and movies and the same thing happened. The search engine recognised the title but didn’t produce the goods. Oh dear Mama J and namely Netflix had instead produced a dud!
   Following a shocked almost tearful look on Mama J’s face, well this was supposed to be her divine and righteous moment remember, then came the ranting of, “What a waste of chuffing money!” This style of ranting went on all throughout our afternoon cup of tea, on through dinner and then on way into the evening. The only two saving graces are that it was a free trial and Mama J really, really, really enjoyed Doctor Foster. She enjoyed it so much she might apply for a job as Suranne Jones’s Agent should she ever need one, as she thought she was top notch in it.
The next day and we had more televisual excitement in our house when Mama J had to retune the Freeview box. I know it’s that little job that fills most people with dread. This however is a job that Mama J quite enjoys as it makes her feel like a technological expert akin with Microsoft founder Bill Gates, for all of five minutes.
     After not reading the bit about how to retune the telly properly and being shouted at by Granny, the process finally got underway. On almost completing it the TV asked (I told you it was a Smart TV, this one can bloody converse with you) Mama J, “Yorkshire or North East?” With this Mama J’s glee levels raised up to fever pitch once more as if she pressed Yorkshire, we may get regional programmes specific to where we actually live. She pressed it and hey presto we have BBC and ITV Yorkshire.
   It was coming up to 6.30pm and BBC Look North was about to begin and this is where Mama J started almost bouncing around the living room screeching at the top of her voice, “Oh I get to see Harry Gration again!” Let me explain that Harry Gration is a BBC Look North (Yorkshire) Presenter and is clearly very popular in our household. In fact if Mama J had her way he wouldn’t be presenting the regional News, instead he’d be sat at our dining room table eating the meal Granny had prepared! High praise indeed for Harry! After years of having to watch BBC Look North (North East) due to arial issues, it was great to actually geographically know the areas they were talking about and the issues they were covering. 
   Anyway Mama J is very pleased with her newly tuned television and seeing Harry again after all these years really is the icing on the cake. In fact she said it made her year. Oh dear she needs to get out more!

JUST CALL ME THE BONE CRUSHER

Granny and Mama J are congratulating themselves in a very self assured, well okay darn right smug way indeed. Oh the smugness is oozing out of their beautifully moisturised pores! They have found a way to silence me when people come around to the house. We have more visits than Piccadilly Station at the moment. There’s Granny’s visitors requiring refreshments of tea and cake. Mama J’s friends taking her away to spend her hard earned money on clothes and some very snazzy and shiny brogues. Then Grandpa’s guests calling in all hours of the day and much to Mama J’s displeasure of the evening too, how dare they call when Coronation Street is on? This to discuss all manners of community business. Oh my stress levels with all these people, there’s no wonder I bark so much!

For my birthday back in June, Mama J brought me a bar of doggie chocolate, some kibble treats and a pack of rawhide bones filled with a delicious meaty flavour. Now she hoped I would enjoy them but the bones have been the absolute find of the century. Anyone would think Mama J and Granny had found The Holy Grail quicker than Monty Python did that day at the pet store. 
   The first time I was given a bone, oh yes I see where the expression of give a dog a bone comes from now, was when our neighbour called in for coffee and a good old fashion chinwag. This neighbour is my handsome furry friend Watson’s Mum and a firm favourite of mine as she gives me lots of lovely attention. She welcomed me into her home and more importantly for my comfort levels onto her sofa whilst my Mama J was at work and Granny and Grandpa were away on holiday. I would never ignore her, however with the lure of the bone I’m afraid my usual loud attention was taken away from her somewhat and transported into chewing and licking. This excellent behaviour from me sent Mama J and Granny’s enthusiasm levels into overdrive.
My next test was on Wednesday when Mama J’s friend came over to pick her up for a spot of retail therapy. Mama J welcomed her friend into the house and Granny made a cup of tea for us all (where was my tea in my favourite doggie mug). Whilst the kettle was boiling I was given a bone, which I ran with into the living room, tossed around playfully a few times to show off my javelin skills then laid down on the sofa with. Mama J’s friend was so impressed with my new found good behaviour that she kept mentioning it all the way around the retail park and at various times of on the hour every hour throughout the day. Now I must say this is the friend that I once weed in the house in front of. However in my defence it was back in the days when my epilepsy wasn’t diagnosed and I wasn’t on any medication. The excitement of meeting Mama J’s pal tipped me over the edge and I had a nasty seizure.

Lastly on Friday, Grandpa had a meeting in the house. Now he could’ve met this man in a pub or cafe, however I feel he had a physic premonition that my behaviour was going to be just outstanding. I think this gives you a clear indication that my Grandpa is very proud of my behaviour indeed. I’ll be getting a gold star next! 
   Granny did have to do some prep work for this gentleman’s visit as we had run out of my bones and the ones Mama J originally purchased were out of stock. She did try me on some different chews however I managed to eat one in ten minutes flat. Clearly I thought I was involved in some sort of Guinness Book Of Records attempt, the chew eating contest to end all chew eating contests! Also I swallowed a large part of the end as Granny was trying to remove it from my mouth, for my safety she said. What? Cheeky Granny I wasn’t prepared to give it up, no way! Anyway Granny went to a different pet shop and found some larger (I think they were for dogs of the Rottweiler variety) than my usual rawhide bones for me to literally get my teeth around. Grandpa’s meeting came and went without a murmur from me and I got lots of fuss from my astounded family afterwards. 

I am now sniffing the treat cupboard door and then running to my vantage point of the sofa arm to see if anyone is coming around to visit. If you are reading this and wish to kindly pay me a visit so I can get another yummy bone, my address is…



SHOW ME YOUR BEST DISCO DANCING MOVES

I wrote so much last week about Mama J’s barmy lake side bedroom activities that my paws hurt and they needed a rest. On returning from The Lake District, Granny and Grandpa decided they needed another break to get over Mama J’s moaning and groaning that there was no place like home. With the loony lady and I safely back home and comfy in our bed, Granny and Grandpa went to the seaside overnight leaving me once more firmly in charge of Mama J.
Following a ride in Primrose, Mama J’s Mini Cooper and a stroll around a neighbouring village it was our teatime. Mama J gave me my Lily’s Kitchen with a bit of wet Chappie on top for good measures then cooked herself a pizza. Now when I say cooked I mean she got a pizza out of the freezer and popped it on an oven tray and placed it in the Everhot. Mama J’s definitely not turned into Delia Smith!
   On finishing her pizza and giving me a little bit of the cheese topping, that may I add is always gratefully received, Mama J proceeded with the washing up and the evening entertainment literally began. I sat down in the centre of our kitchen and Mama J popped the Welsh musical talent that is Duffy on the iPod. She then began crooning or should that be groaning along with Warwick Avenue. Once that song was finished she forwarded the album onto a song named Mercy. This was a very apt title indeed for me and my now bleeding ears. Yes, I’m begging you for mercy Mama J and asking, “Why won’t you release me?”
Once Duffy accompanied appallingly by Mama J had finished, I hoped the washing up was complete but oh no there was the drying of the dishes for Mama J to undertake. Donna Summer’s Last Dance was now blasting out with Mama J giving it her best 1970s disco moves. You’ve heard of ladies dancing around their handbags in a nightclub scenario but I bet you’ve never seen anyone dancing around their Yorkshire Terrier. After that song had completed we moved onto Hot Stuff. Mama J by this point was fully warmed up and was giving it all the arm thrusting moves that were featured in the smash hit movie The Full Monty. Thankfully for people potentially walking by our open curtained window that was as far as she went with recreating the moves from the film! I don’t think Mama J getting herself arrested for making an exhibition of herself even in her own home is a very good idea, even on a Friday night. Anyway I sat there totally aghast and in sheer wonderment at her dancing and dish drying prowess. Her moves are something I can’t ever forget even if I really, really want to!
The iPod was switched off and things calmed down for the evening as we both enjoyed a hefty dose of the soap operas on the telly. At 9.00pm it was time for my bedtime toilet activity. As Mama J opened the back door it was pouring with rain. She managed to get me outside into the yard with the promise of a treat. However I just stood there looking at the door and refusing to do my evening ablutions. When Granny and Grandpa are just out for the evening I’m excused my wee until they return but with them being away for the night Mama J was having none of it. On her boots and coat went and then it was my turn to get leaded and harnessed up. With that we were out in the rain and running down the road until I squatted and did a wee. It was very quick wee indeed as I don’t like the rain at the best of times.
   Once we were back home and I’d been towel dried off I had a mad ten minutes. I ran around the landing joyfully and then rolled my wet body around Mama J and my bed. When Mama J tried to calm me down I went even more mental playing about with my squeaky toy and bouncing around the bed. My craziness finally depleted and we settled down for the night.

The next day when Mama J opened the bedroom curtains all I could see was grey clouds and wet spots on the windows. When Mama J tried in vain to encourage me down off the bed I rolled on to my back, legs akimbo and wholeheartedly refused to budge.
   Mama J tried to tempt me downstairs with a shake, rattle and roll of my biscuit container but I still wouldn’t move. However when I heard the lead cupboard door open I thought I better show willing and ran down the stairs. This time though I had my rain coat wrapped firmly around my body and was ready for some unenthusiastic walking action.