Sunday, 27 November 2016

"KING" DANNY DYER AND I TAKE ON THE ALIENS TO BRING MY GRANNY AND GRANDPA HOME ON OUR STINGER AERO BMX'S

Mama J has been on another holiday from work this week and I was left in strict charge of her when Granny and Grandpa went away over night. That meant I could give her “the stare” and order walks on tap and demand parts of chicken from her Marks and Spencer's chicken pie. Ah the perks of being the boss lady. I might get a tattoo just like Tulisa’s saying, “Boss Lady!” it’s only right and proper, don’t you agree?
   Everything was going so well as Mama J had taken me out for our afternoon stroll. Although it was a wet one on Tuesday afternoon the breeze through my Terrier hair was divine. Following on from that and our pie, I had my usual Lily’s Kitchen and Chappie mix first so the pie was pudding for me, we settled down for the soaps and then it was wee time (for both of us although I do mine in the yard instead of in the comfort of an ensuite) and bed. 
   I was all fine at first as Granny and Grandpa go out quite often for evening meals with their many friends, leaving Mama J and I to our own devices. Rave time? Not anymore we girls prefer our Tuesday night Holby City fix along with lots of lovely sofa cuddles. It’s hardly Ibiza Uncovered in our house!
   At 10.00pm the landing light timer switched the light off so that made me jump to protective attention and run onto the landing to see if we had burglars. Unfortunately for Mama J, David Gandy was not stood in our hallway in his M&S underpants and there was no one else there for me to say a fearsome, “HELLO!” too either. I settled down again until 11.50pm when I like every other granddaughter waiting patiently for their grandparents to return from their day/night out began to worry and pace the landing demanding their return. I now know what it feels like for parents whose children have gone to the pub for the first time. Have they been abducted by aliens? That was of course the next fully rational thought that ran through my mind, as it does! I cooed and sat half way up the stairs. Oh dear I was turning into Robin The Frog from The Muppets. Shall I start singing, “Half way down the stairs?” Mama J heard my cries and poked her head over the bannister and asked me, “Elsie what are you doing there?” When I didn’t answer but just kept staring at the fan light for Grandpa’s missing Freelander 2, Mama J moved to the top of the stairs and persuaded me to come back to bed saying in a gentle manner, “Granny and Grandpa are in Durham for the night, they’ll be back tomorrow afternoon. Don’t worry I’m here to look after you.” Now this Durham place is that a local restaurant that stays open all night? Granny and Grandpa aren’t much of all night ravers either these days. Anyway I was reassured and joined Mama J in bed for the rest of the night. 
   Anyway they did return the next day as Mama J had promised they would and I got lots of cuddles from them, so they were forgiven for making me worry as to their whereabouts. I was about to call Sigourney Weaver as I believe she’s very good at handling aliens! 
So I just like Frankenstein have created something of a monster just in the walking department and not in a fearsome horror based spectre as you’d expect. Just call me Frankie-Elsie Stein-Chelton for this wonderfully step charged mood that Mama J has acquired. 
   Mama J will be taking on charity events next akin with what Davina McCall did for Comic Relief a few years back. Although these charity events better just be of the walking variety as unlike Davina the only bike Mama J could ever ride, her trusty Stinger Aero is now only found in a museum. Yes, Mama J tried to find a version of her old BMX on the internet and found she could only pay to look at it but could never ride it again. When Mama J moved up to a better fitting (for her size) mountain bike she ended up going her bum sores as she slid backwards onto the back wheel, ouch what a burning sensation I bet that was!
Swimming isn’t Mama J’s thing either as I don’t think armbands or a rubber ring would look very good in a triathlon style event. Yes, definitely a walking challenge then. How about the Three Peaks next summer? Mama J is looking a little green around the gills just now. Think I’ll have to work on my motivational techniques some more for that one. 
   As well as taking me out more regularly which I always enjoy, Mama J went out for a walk without me on Friday afternoon. I was a little jealous as she went around some local gardens which are haven for tourists and residents alike. She came home telling tales of seeing squirrels and ducklings as well as other dogs. Ah now I was cross as I could’ve had fun showing them who was boss. 
   This all happened as Mama J was so early to meet her lovely friend for a cuppa and a good chinwag. She had already been to an antiques fair, (oh yes Mama J is getting cultured in her old age. She’ll be buying tat like Granny and Grandpa do next) a supermarket where she told two of her regular customers they hadn’t seen her, (this was a rival supermarket to the one where Mama J works nudge, nudge, wink, wink) a pet shop, (presents for me yippee. Please see my new fabulous friends at the start of this blog) an art gallery (more culture, you could have your own arty TV show at this rate) and then the gardens. There’s no wonder Mama J enjoyed a sit down and a cuppa after doing all that lot. 
   Mind you I must say that the walk around the gardens happened by default as Mama J parked her car near where she thought was the side entrance to the gardens only to walk to the main entrance and then have to walk the full circuit, only to finally realise that if she’d walked up the road about 5 metres she could’ve gone into the gardens and enjoyed a slight shorter stroll than she had.
   Also yesterday my family met some friends for lunch in our local city centre and more walking ensued. Due to the car parks being full of Christmas shoppers Grandpa had to park the car on the outskirts of the city centre. Mama J walked part of the way with Granny to meet Grandpa. I reckon that all the walking must’ve taken its toll on Mama J’s body though as she couldn’t get in the car when Grandpa picked them up. She was like Absolutely Fabulous’s Patsy and Edina, arms and legs flapping about after one of their drink sessions. Now come on Mama J was it really just iced water you were drinking with your chicken burger? 

I had a visit to the Vets the other week for my six monthly epilepsy blood tests. Mama J and Granny instructed the Vet to muzzle me. Mama J obviously liked seeing me doing my impression of Hannibal Lecter so much last time I went, she thought it would be highly entertaining to see it again. They’ll have me on stage next saying the word chianti! Anyway the Vet duly obliged Mama J’s whims, I reckon this was due to his hand already been in a bandage from another animal encounter. That or he’d just started boxing classes and his punching technique needs some improvement. My blood test came back just fine and the Vet examined a little lump on my belly that my family had noticed a few weeks prior to my appointment when they were rubbing my tummy in a loving way. The lump wasn’t attached the Vet said so probably wasn’t anything sinister. Mama J is under strict instructions to keep a watchful eye on it just incase it grows and has to be removed. Although he did say he wasn’t too concerned about it, phew!

My family really enjoyed watching Danny Dyer on, “Who Do You Think you Are?” the other night. Just like his Eastenders alter ego Mick Carter who he obviously tones himself down to play, Danny Dyer is a full on extra Cockney geezer! One of the entertaining parts of his fascinating family tree documentary was when he discovered that one of his relatives lives in a manor house with a drawbridge. He shouted out, “Geezers got a drawbridge!” Then was him saying to a Historian, “You could’ve a right rave up in here babe!” Anyway this tale took on many twists and turns including the fact that Mr Dyer is a direct descendant of not only Thomas Cromwell and Jane Seymour (no not Dr Quinn Medicine Woman) but also Kind Edward III. He was in his element and his wife was crying out, “I’m a Princess!” at the end as he jokingly told the camera crew to get out of his driveway just like Peggy Mitchell used to tell people to get out of her pub! 
   Mama J woke up on Friday morning and thought to herself, “Did that really happen? Is Danny Dyer really related to King Edward III?” Oh yes Mama J he is!

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