I have a guilty confession to make today. No, I haven’t been eating chocolate by the bucket load because as I’m a Yorkshire Terrier dog, I don’t think the Vet would be too pleased with me on that score and it’s always best to keep the Vets on side just in case I have another flare up with my very unpredictable teeth, the joys of being a Yorkie! My confession is far worse and involves cruelty towards a cushion and then unruly behaviour towards my Mama J.
Here goes the tale of last Monday evening. I hope you are all sitting comfortably, Mama J wasn’t once I began my extremely cheeky antics! We all sit down to watch the soap operas as they are Mama J’s escapism on a night time. Granny sometimes reads a magazine or does a code word puzzle (ah she’s intelligent and likes to stimulate her brain, Mama J’s brain is stimulated with rubbish, well that’s what Grandpa says anyway) and Grandpa watches DVD’s of a very odd nature on his computer. I say odd nature as they are either Spaghetti Western’s or something with lots of martial arts content. I guess if you are a Clint Eastwood fan this might be perfectly expectable behaviour, Mama J thinks it odd, each to their own though I say. Failing finding a good DVD in his collection he reads all about war a lot. Oh and he has the sheer audacity to say Mama J’s popular tastes in television series are bad, um well no comment on that issue as I want to keep the peace in my household!
So I start off laying on Mama J’s lap and when Granny sits down I move from Mama J’s lap onto my cushion in the middle of my two favourite girls, Grandpa’s on the floor merrily watching a fight scene, gun or fist wise it really doesn’t matter to him.
Well, it was last Monday and David had just been locked in The Bistro’s cellar area in Coronation Street so he didn’t do himself or anyone else any harm. Ah that one didn’t quite go to plan but this is Gail Rodwell’s wonderful family so we’ll have to let them off, as they have a colourful history of madness, especially Satan like David. Mama J at the point of Nick locking David in the cellar mentioned the words “right” and “bed” and that was my cue to pounce!
I moved like a lion stalking its prey and my prey was the cushions behind where Mama J was sat. Firstly I shoved the cushion next to Mama J down with my paws and even my face, so then I could make my next move, which was a very cheeky move indeed. I started shoving Mama J’s back firmly with my nose and then with my paws. I was like a Burrower not a Borrower trying to get Mama J off the end of the sofa, so I could take up my rightful position on the two cushions at the end of the sofa.
Granny and Grandpa looked on in not horror but with great amusement but they did all agree I was getting too big for my paws, sorry boots! Mama J who realised she shouldn’t really have mentioned the words “right” and “bed” as she knows they taunt me and my love for those cushions, decided to stand her ground on the very edge of the sofa until the closing credits of Coronation Street were rolling. At which point I was fully in place to watch the next programme on the telly before going on up to bed. See who needs Clint Eastwood’s shoot out showdowns or the soap operas weekly dramas when you have Mama J and I with our fight to cushion supremacy?
Mama J has had the busiest week on record and has been left wondering how at ninety years young Her Majesty The Queen has the stamina to keep up with her regal schedule. She has an even greater respect for our countries Monarch but says after this gruellingly sociable week, she would have to decline Prince Harry if he ever asked her to marry him. Oh dear here goes our very own fantasy Queen again with her delusions of grandeur!
Last week started off with my family going out for lunch with my Great Uncle P and his lovely fiancee my Great Auntie S. They both retired a few years ago now so meet up with Grandpa, Granny and Mama J on a regular basis for a good old giggle and some yummy food.
The pair had recently visited a local garden centre and Great Uncle P had spotted a little temporary Christmas job that he thought might be right up his street, Santa Claus! Great Auntie S told him that his slim stature may go against him and that he might be better applying for the other vacancy the garden centre had of an Elf. Great Uncle P said that he didn’t want to be an Elf and that he wanted the top job! Over lunch he became quite adamant that Santa Claus or the top job as he saw it was the one he wanted. I think Actor Will Ferrell might disagree as he looked most fetching in his green and yellow Elf outfit. We shall have to see whether Great Uncle P decides to go for the top job next time Grandpa calls him.
Next up was a girlie lunch for Mama J and Granny on Wednesday with some old work colleagues of Granny’s. A girlie lunch? I’m a girlie pooch where was my invitation? I would’ve fitted in very well at the cafe/come deli place they went to meet and eat at. I could’ve given my expert guidance on which cheeses people should buy. Now there’s a job they should definitely create for me and me alone!
That same evening and one of Grandpa’s former work colleagues came over for dinner and told us all about the joys of owning a data bank! “A what?” I hear you cry. Yes, Mama J did the same thing until our friend explained that it was a 1990s electronic organiser and Mama J realised after checking them out on eBay that she used to own one herself. Our friend was most upset that he had put all his data in his data bank then his data bank was no longer opening up for business. He replaced the batteries to no joy and tried it one more time, yes one more time (this was a frustrated man by this point in the data bank tale) and it finally started working. Mama J advised him to get a pen and a paper based Filofax to write his data down in future. Ah the simple things in life that are no doubt safe in the long run, data storage wise!
Now for the main event of Mama J’s week and the one that her work schedule had to be tailored around causing her even more confusion over what day of the week it actually was. No, the main event wasn’t who died it Emmerdale’s spectacularly nutty car crashes, that came a very close second though but it was a wedding.
Mama J was invited by her lovely friend to attend her daughter’s wedding and had been excitedly planning her outfit since getting the invitation back in February. She’d decided to wear her beautiful Chinese design Karen Millen dress that she’s had for a few years now but fits her so well and makes her feel so good when wearing it. There was only a slight breath holding moment when she tried her dress on with her new bras (we thought Bob at Debenhams might be getting worried about her bra ordering fetish again should the bra not fit with the dresses neckline) as the band was marginally thicker than on her old ones, however all was well.
On the day of the wedding the glam squad descended, okay that squad was just Mama J with Granny’s expert help with necklaces and furry scarves. Mama J came downstairs with a hint of a gorgeous dress but also with her work hoodie and £4.00 pair of Matalan slippers on, her slippers weren’t even kitten heel in their style. Not really the look I think you should be going for Mama J but if you’re sure?
Anyway just before she was due to leave Mama J slipped off her comfy slippers and hoodie, put her red lipstick on and was ready for the off. The wedding was at a local castle that reminded Mama J of Downton Abbey. The staff on duty were almost as well trained as Carson and Mrs Patmore, (Grandpa and Granny) I say almost as they have very high standards indeed.
At the wedding Mama J was sat with two other dog lovers so my ears were definitely burning with all the conversation of my wild antics.
Right that’s it for this week folks as Mama J wants to try and get some TV programmes off the growing planner list. Great Uncle P said that he and Great Auntie S get stressed when their planner gets too full of episodes of The Chase. Those two must have a Bradley Walsh fetish going on!