Monday, 3 October 2016

A DEBENHAMS DOVE DELIVERS A BRA FETISH LIKE NO OTHER

According to Debenhams ordering system Mama J has got a bra fetish! Now she has been getting worried that there is someone sat at Debenhams Head Quarters, we’ll call him Bob (who’d have thought we’d have characters in this blog. Shall I pad Bob out and give him a wife and three children along with a whole backstory to boot) and as she’s been ordering all these bras Bob’s been getting concerned too while processing these orders about her love of everything bra kind!
   This fetish came about as a result of her ever so worn out grey, were once white bras which have been stretched fully out of shape. You may recall Mama J bought some new underpants (oh the excitement) earlier this year and how I told you that Mama J once had knickers from when BHS was a fully thriving retailer in the 1990s and still had the pants which were see through and not in kinky way some fifteen years later. She hasn’t had her Calvin Klein bras that long but the sides were bordering on the see through kind now too. 
   Firstly she ordered a plunge and a gel bra to try. The plunge one she hoped would give her the cleavage of the BBC’s adaptation of Pride and Prejudice’s Elizabeth Bennett. Now the Actress Jennifer Ehle, I would assume had a little more to play with to begin with than my Mama J in the bosom front and she wore a corset in that series, so perhaps Mama J was expecting too much from this bra. The only plunge in Mama J’s unique version of Pride and Prejudice was Mr Darcy plunging into the cold lake!
   Mama J moved swiftly on to the gel bra which reminded me of the famous Coronation Street water bed scene with Reg and Maureen Holdsworth, it gave Mama J a sinking feeling too. This bra started swishing around before it was even clamped to Mama J’s chest. It was like a newly designed life jacket that could be used on the remake of Baywatch. Pamela Anderson has gel inside her and Mama J had hers firmly strapped on the outside. I think Mama J might audition for a role when they start wanting people for Baywatch. However she would be the one that got crashed against the rocks and burst her armbands and then had to be rescued by one of Malibu’s lifeguarding team. Failing that if she wore her gel bra she would just float to the top of any wave like a champion surfer dude riding the crest of the water.
   These bras were cast aside and Mama J went to try some bras on in Marks and Spencer’s. However as the happy world of Haribo is no more in Mama J’s world she would need to get a smaller back size bra wise. The Doctor said go to sugar rehab and Mama J said, “Yes, yes, yes!” Mrs M&S couldn’t find a 30A that wasn’t like a teenagers training bra so it was back onto Debenhams website for Bob to send her some more bras. She’s kept Bob busy in his job!
   These bras arrived and fit her so well that Bob is now fearing for his job and I’m fearing for Mama J’s sanity. On trying them on Mama J was strutting her stuff like a catwalk model. However I don’t think Naomi Campbell ever danced about with a gigantic grin on her face singing, “Mama Cuckoo! Do the Mama Cuckoo!” This dance could be the next craze in the dance routine era after The Locomotion, Cha-Cha Slide, Saturday Night and the Macarena! I lay on Mama J’s bed with Granny sat next to me and watched a fashion show way more entertaining than London, New York and Paris Fashion Week’s combined. I think US Vogue Editor In Chief Anna Wintour should be on the look out for Mama J as she’s going to be the rising star of British, no global fashion. Get her on the cover and on your website doing the Mama Cuckoo now!

Mama J bought the UK’s leading dog magazines (okay the ones available in our local Tesco store) the other week and has read each and every one of them from cover to cover. She has then been trying out some of the techniques on yours truly. Cesar Millan eat your heart out.
   She read that if you shout at a dog that barks, that you are just encouraging it to bark some more. I agree I love the noise and want to make some more. Let’s start a band and I’ll be the Lead Singer. I do a mean rendition of Who Let The Dogs Out? With this in mind my family started to perform mind tricks that Derren Brown would be proud of. They totally ignore me when I bark. This has had a strange effect on my psyche as I expect to hear their cries and even look for them but to no avail. Yes, Mama J, Granny and Grandpa I’m looking and talking to you. I bark and don’t get a response, so I bark some more and some more. Oh dear I think I’m meant to have realised by now that my barking isn’t getting me any attention. However I’m hardcore and this is definitely going to be a battle of wills. Wish me and my Yorkshire Terrier voice some luck!

Granny sent Mama J into a nature related tail spin this morning when she spotted a dove perched on the edge of our shed roof. This baby dove did not look like a happy chappy at all and looked even worse when Mama J went out there to give it her own blend of counselling. She asked the anxious looking bird, “Are you not happy in life?” Then as she’s attempting to be our very own Dr Dolittle she started cooing to it, just to see if it understood bird language more than English. The dove had moved to the other end of the shed when Mama J went into the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea and had been joined by a larger looking dove who was watching over it. Maybe Mama J would like to cuckoo coo at that dove now too.


2 comments:

  1. Bra-vo to your mum for finding some nice new bras.
    Elliot is always getting told off for his barking exploits, bet he wishes someone would just ignore him too, haha.
    Those little birds always look so vulnerable but they are almost always fine.
    Elliot and Cricket x

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    1. Thank you, it was a miracle that she finally found some good bras after some highly unsuccessful attempts! Yes another candidate in my barking revolution. Tell Elliot to keep up his excellent work and ask if he wants to join my band? The dove has now disappeared from the shed roof so all must be well, that or it got sick of Mama J cooing at it. Have a great week and take care. Elsie and Juliet. xx

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