CHICKEN IN MUSTARD SAUCE BRINGS A LOVING GOODBYE WALK

Guess who’s back. Back again. Elsie’s back. Tell your friends!  Ah I love a little Eminem to start my day off with a bang! That song always reminds me of my days living in the mean city with my previous owner. Before I was moved from the music of Dre and converted to the twee music of Mozart. Okay so Mama J isn’t that classically cultured, she’s more of a Queen fan but I guess even Bohemian Rhapsody gave a nod to all sorts of musical genres. It just seems one would listen to classical music when one now lives in the countryside. Hark at me turning all Hyacinth Bucket! I’ll be getting my family to bow down to me next.
Yes, my lovely readers I’m back from my break feeling in a zen like state. Well, as zen like as a Yorkshire Terrier can feel. I was promised long walks in the country and cuddles on the sofa and Mama J delivered in spectacular style on both accounts.
   Mama J has got the walking and indeed stretching/exercise bug. This is a virus I, Dr Elsie (I think I’d look marvellously stylish in a white coat with a stethoscope wrapped around my collared neck) would prescribe and encourage anyone to get. Our walking started the other Tuesday on a day when the temperature in Britain hit twenty-seven degrees centigrade. Mama J walked me down the road and I thought she was going to expire! I kept looking at her face and it was getting redder and redder. Think Eastenders Phil Mitchell having one of his rages and you’d be on the right lines.
   Both times she walked me that day, I sat at the bottom of the stairs when we managed (I say we but I’m a fit and healthy pooch, it is Mama J who needs more conditioning, lots more conditioning) to stagger back in and I just looked at her face in pure worry. Once Mama J had water (yes she was gasping the word “water” somewhat like someone who had trekked in the desert for four days on a Bear Grylls survival programme) she was fit and ready to take the weight off her feet and go sit on the sofa. 
   After a few days of Mama J walking me and me loving the walks may I add, I started being a little  demanding, okay I went into full on diva mode. I began running around squeaking and staring Mama J right in the eye balls from about 2.00pm (my afternoon walk usually occurs from about 3.30pm onwards with my Granny and/or Grandpa at the helm of my exercise routine, this is along with my normal post breakfast stroll), shaking and even stalking Mama J to the toilet with pure excitement until she took me for another walk. 
   As Mama J’s Personal Training Manager (I wear a lot of hats and do various roles as you can tell) I found this method really works. She thought I was simply mad however I could see I had a whole lot of method in my thought process! See a good Trainer knows how to get the best from their clients and now Mama J's health issues are fully under control we are going walking! 
   Anyone else wishing to be trained by me just leave your name and email address at the bottom of this blog and I’ll get back to you. Oh dear I might be needing a passport for any international work that may come my way. Also I’d better see about getting myself some expenses forms printed off for any 5 * accommodation I’ll be booking myself into! Mama J is a luxury lady so I as her dog I had better follow her high standards.

This next part is very upsetting for me to paw but I really must pay tribute to the kindness of my Great Granny BB who sadly passed away almost two weeks ago now. I don’t want this to turn into a Greek Tragedy, as this is meant to be a comedy blog so I’ll try and say this the most humorous way possible. 
   I know Granny did a wonderful speech at Great Granny’s funeral as she practiced reading it to me while Mama J was getting ready on a morning but if I were to write and give my own speech (there’s another string to my bow) it would go along the lines of this:- "Thank you for allowing me to run around your bungalow and knock your lamp off the table, as I barked at all your neighbours (I was only trying to say, “Hello” not frighten them away unless you wanted me to play the role of Door Dog that is) and then send all your scatter cushions flying all over the floor. Thank you for all the full Rich Tea biscuits you gave me and the bits of turkey slices you chopped up and fed me. My belly and I were extremely grateful, even though Mama J told you they gave me bad wind. It’s our little secret as they were given to me while she was at the toilet (giving her all that tea to drink was a good move on our part) and Granny was doing your domestic chores. Although you were too poorly to walk me when I joined the family, Marble when he was alive told me how he spun you around and nearly wrapped you around a tree but how you took it all in your stride with good grace and humour! I’m most grateful that it was Hector my family’s energetic Springer Spaniel at the time who ended up not going for a little stroll down the nearby lane but a hot and sunny eight mile hike due to sheep in the fields and your stubbornness in not going left but straight on adding two miles extra up hill on to the walk. If it were me I think my Yorkshire Terrier legs might have been a few inches shorter to after that day due them been worn down by excessive walking. Mama J and Great Grandpa JJ just kept quiet on that occasion as you knew the best way home. Mama J can now beg to differ and even though it was way over twenty years ago finally moan on to all who will listen. As a feisty Yorkshire lass myself I loved and will miss your no nonsense style and of course the gorgeous cuddles you gave me when I visited you.”
Now I’ve kept you all in suspenders (what a vision) for the last two weeks as to how Mama J was nearly exterminated by a chicken. Your wait is finally over!
   Mama J came home from a hard days graft down the mine (okay she works in a lovely airy shop and the longest day she does is only a maximum of seven hours so no feeling too sorry for her as pit work isn’t what it used to be) a few Sunday’s ago and walked into the strangest smell, well it was chicken in a sauce or shall we say a science experiment of culinary proportions? She looked at the kitchen top and was aghast at what she saw… A mustard and honey jar! Oh no Grandpa with his love of all thing mustard was at it again! Anyone would think by the look on Mama J’s face that Grandpa was going to try to murder her. As he plated up his concoction Mama J’s face got decidedly worse, in fact it is safe to say it was shrivelled up like a prune. Mama J exclaimed that this concoction looked like, “Something the dog had spewed up!” How rude my spew doesn’t look half as bad as that! Anyway Mama J then turned into a wannabe character from Downton Abbey, we’ll call her Lady Joolsy as she started demanding toast from Carson instead of his “delicious” offering. 
   Granny was a little less harsh in her criticism and ate all of five mouthfuls before too deciding that toast was definitely the better option and the menu order of the day. I had to help Grandpa as in spite of his love of anything remotely mustard in flavour, it was still chicken that was on offer and I Elsie Bear Cherub am a Chickenaholic!
Lastly I must tell you that I did myself an injury the other week. Although last time I wrote I was playing for a bit of dramatic effect saying I nearly ended up on The Yorkshire Vet television show.  
   Now I know a lot of you warned me about my bouncing antics when my family leave the house without me in tow. Did I take heed? No! However I must say in my defence I was bouncing for the opposite reason this time, as I saw Mama J walking down the drive and excitedly pounced off the sofa. The result was still the same though as I pulled my left back leg. I hobbled around for a few days like an injured soldier looking for sympathy as I wandered. My family were most obliging giving me cuddles and rubbing my poorly leg in the most dutiful manner. 
   I did say I’m not getting any younger so I think I might have to get Mama J to look up some doggie yoga videos on YouTube to help me get myself more agile. 

   

THE TERMINATOR'S STAYCATION

Well, it is that time of year that everyone (apart from Mama J) enjoys, holiday time! Yes, folks I’m going away on my jollies. However I’m not trekking in The Andes, beach bumming it in Thailand or going on a cultural city break. 
   I’m having a staycation! Which means I’ll be staying at home and getting my waistline in check (what girl doesn’t have to do this) with lots of healthy pooch treats, long luscious walks in the countryside and having lots of cuddles from Mama J, Granny and Grandpa. Sounds wonderful however a lot like normal life for me. What a lucky girl I am!
   So just like Arnold Schwarzenegger said in The Terminator, “I’ll be back!”
On my return I’ll be telling you all a tale (tail) about how I could’ve featured on an episode of the hit Channel 5 television show The Yorkshire Vet (well if I was a client of theirs of course). Also an exciting plot line that could be seen on the next series of Midsomer Murders, (although I have the copyright over this idea, so think on story line writers on that show) where an attempt was made on Mama J’s life all to do with some chicken in mustard and honey sauce!
   There I’ve left you with the cliffhanger to end all cliffhangers! Chat with you all soon.
  

POLDARK MAKES US DO MINI JUMPS

“Here we go again!” I whispered under my breath as the front door slammed in my face. They are going out without me, the star of the family, the one who brings all the turns (comedy or otherwise) into their lives. 
   As I saw Mama J waiting for Granny to turn the car around in our neighbours driveway I had another lightbulb moment (Oprah calls them “ah ha” moments but to me they are just common place especially on a Monday morning wink, wink). I know how to utilise my body to maximum effect with my roll onto my back manoeuvre, which makes me look so cute and endearing, all in the hope that my family takes me with them. Therefore if Mama J notices me bouncing surely she’ll not only take note of my athletic prowess and yes remember I’m here but she’ll also see my eagerness to be with my family at all times of the day and night. 
   Here I go, JUMP! Just like the Pointer Sisters and more recently in their cover version of this hit song Girls Aloud sang, I was having to Jump (For Your Love). Mama J and Granny are you listening? Yes, for your love and a delicious day out in the car. I was Jumpin’ Elsie Flash and it was a gas, gas, gas apart from on my knees. Ouch don’t you know I’m no spring chicken anymore?
   Mama J saw me Jump just like Van Halen suggested and smiled at me bouncing up and down at the window ledge. I think she was thinking that if I kept up with my jumping for another four years I may make the Olympic Trampoline Team. That or if Robson Green and the cast of City (Christmas/Northern) Lights ever reformed to make another series that Robson’s character would have a rival in the trampoline stakes next time himself and his family were sent into witness protection.
   Anyway my bouncing bomb act didn’t work and I was left to practice my jumping. Now I wonder if I put a back flip into my routine to the Kris Kross song Jump and wore my trousers backwards like they used to it may have the desired effect?
Granny’s car is finally fixed, hooray! The fuel pump and other technical parts that a female Yorkshire Terrier doesn’t really need to know about have been replaced.
   At one point Granny’s Mini Cooper S ran like an old school version that hadn’t had its manual choke pulled out quite far enough. It coughed and spluttered along the road so much when starting from being stood cold for a few days, that I thought I was going to have to roll my furry sleeves up and give Granny a paw push even down the hill on the main road.
   Along with the coughing like someone with a sixty a day smoking habit Granny’s car had more lights flashing than Blackpool Pleasure Beach and the Las Vegas Strip combined. As well as musical tones that would rival any child’s toy.
   Mama J had a classic Mini as her first car but couldn’t get used to the manual choke at all. The Mechanic who she sort advice from at the time asked her if she’d remembered to put petrol in it, as he didn’t see what her problem was as the car named Tigger Bella Bing (what a name to come up with, I did well being named Elsie) ran perfectly fine for him, cheeky boy! 
   She still reminisces through rose tinted glasses each time she sees one on the road or watches a classic car programme on the TV. Stick with Primrose Mama J, your yellow peril gets you from A to B without a splutter.
   With Granny safely delivered to pick her Mini up Grandpa and I went for a walk in our neighbouring village. I reckon Grandpa must’ve have sent out a warning prior to my visit as we didn’t see another dog for me to say, “Hello!” to in my enthusiastic manner the whole way round. Shame I do like to make my presence known especially when I’m not on home turf.
So Poldark started again last night on BBC1. However I won’t spoil the plot line for anyone who missed the series opener. I have much more pressing things to talk about rather than the actual story. Mama J has told me in no specific terms that I have to mention how gorgeous she thinks that the Actor who plays Ross Poldark, Aidan Turner is! There Mama J I’ve done my job for you this week. This is just in case Mr Turner likes to read comedy blogs written by highly amusing Yorkshire Terrier’s such as myself. Naturally I think he would!
   Mama J was chatting with two of her customers and her colleague on Saturday about Aidan Turner and she was rubbing her thighs with her hands whilst talking, in the way that Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer used to address Ulrika Jonsson on 90s quiz show Shooting Stars. Eranu! Oovavu! Ohhh Poldark!
   She was telling them about an interview she’d seen on BBC Breakfast with Aidan Turner and Louise Minchin. Lucky Louise got to ask the questions and was like a giggly school girl in the process. I thought the BBC did serious journalism! Having said that Mama J admitted that she would probably need mouth to mouth resuscitation if she ever met him (from the man himself). He was asked whether he had been asked if he was going to be replacing Daniel Craig in the role of 007 James Bond. This sent Mama J into a tailspin as the sheer thought of him fighting off the baddies to save the world whilst sipping Vodka Martinis and wearing a beautifully fitting tuxedo was too much for her to bear. Can someone please get Mama J a very large… Fan now? Mama J had wanted the equally delightful Idris Elba to play the role however I don’t think she’d object at all if Aidan Turner took it on. Fickle or what?
   Mama J is hoping that Ross Poldark will be doing some more gardening on his land this series, as seeing him without his shirt on was definitely a series highlight for her and many other viewers last time round. I’m sure Alan Titchmarsh didn’t have that effect when he used to present Gardeners’ World! Mind you I believe his books have more muck in them than is under his green finger nails.