Monday, 22 August 2016

BOOM! THE FOX AND THE POO EATING POOCH

On Tuesday evening while Mama J, Granny and Grandpa were having their cup of tea, in Mama J’s case accompanied by a Malted Milk biscuit, there was a sight for sore eyes occurring right outside our living room window. In fact it wasn’t just a sight for sore eyes, it was a sight for those with an extremely strong stomach constitution.
   The black Labrador that our neighbours have been looking after ran out onto the grassy area in front of our house and squatted and did a number two. Granny and Grandpa looked at each other as if to say, “If the neighbours haven’t noticed the dog is out and has done a number two, which one of us is on picking up duties?”
   After a minute the dog was still strolling around and sniffing at the poo, then events took a sinister turn. The dog stopped sniffing and started scoffing up the poo! Well, at least it’s a self cleaning pooch I guess! Grandpa had to cover his eyes as it began to turn his guts. Mama J and Granny kept on watching, with a mixture of total shock and weird total awe too. You know when you know you shouldn’t be looking at something but just feel compelled to? This was like a nature programme the BBC’s natural history department had never and really should never cover.
   I was disgusted. Being a lady of discerning palatable tastes, cheese mainly, eating ones poo isn’t anywhere on the appetite menu for me. The dog was devouring the poo by this point, as I like Grandpa now had my paws firmly over my face. At one point Granny through the, “Oh’s, err’s and YUCK’s!” squealed, “Oh look it’s hanging out of its mouth like a string of sausages!” Sure enough it was like the Labrador had gone to the Butcher’s shop on the high street, cleverly ordered a quarter pound of sausages (yes dogs really do know how to communicate with the local Butcher) and was taking them proudly back to its owner to be cooked for tea. Only these sausages I don’t think would ever win any prizes for taste, (tell that to the munching dog) smell or quality! 
   Grandpa was still in shock and said never to mention this incident again (oops I’ve broken that promise here) and Mama J just kept quoting the, “Walls… Sausages!” television advert over and over again.
   On seeing our neighbours taking said poo eating dog for a walk later in the week, we were all pleased that it was firmly on a lead so we didn’t have to watch a replay performance.

After the poo eating vision we all had our dinner. I enjoyed my Lily’s Kitchen with a dollop of lovely (no it wasn’t poo I promise) Chappie and my family ate a lovely grill up (a fry up for the more health conscious amongst us apparently). 
   After dinner Mama J was still revelling from a clip from this weeks episode of Casualty where Clinical Lead Connie Beauchamp’s car blows up. Casualty was taken off air for a four week break due to the Olympics action, much to the disapproval of its avid fans on social media. It left viewers literally going over a cliff edge as Connie and her daughter Grace were last seen hurtling over the cliff top in Connie’s stylish silver Mercedes.
   As Mama J described the clip finishing with the word BOOM, Grandpa came out with, “Boom. You’re very down with the kids using the word boom!” Granny and Mama J just looked at each other in an “has he flipped” sort of way then they looked back at Grandpa and gestured that they required more information with their hand movements and facial expressions.
   Grandpa informed them that at the shooting competition of the village fayre the other month, the gentleman who organised this part of the event’s son just kept saying, “BOOM!” every time someone hit a clay pigeon. This was apparently a slang term for the word great, well according to Grandpa anyway.
   Mama J said, “I wasn’t saying it in a down with the kids street way. I’m not talking about Adam West’s version of Batman and Robin, kerpow! I was taking about Connie’s car blowing up in Casualty. Do you want to see the clip?” Grandpa didn’t seem to take this on board and just kept explaining that it was street terminology and that Mama J was very trendy in her use of the English language (not as trendy as I am though, a pooch from the mean city streets. I learnt some colourful language in my past let me tell you). He then went and got the iPad and looked up the word “boom” and the Urban Dictionary definition goes like this: Exclamation: Used as an oral exclamation mark but in a purely conversational context. Its function is not as heightened as the afore mentioned symbol so its impact is designed to simply reinforce ones point or statement. Generally found in light hearted, but not overtly humorous, situations.
Dinner's ready.... Boom. 
Just quit my job... Boom.
   Oh dear Mama J wasn’t as down with the kids as she thought and fifty-seven year old Grandpa obviously has all the urban lingo flowing through his veins. 
   After dinner Mama J did a bit of street dancing (well okay waving her hands in the air in a non rhythmical way) to a snippet of Boom! Shake The Room by DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince that she found on iTunes. “Boom! Shake, shake, shake the room!… Tick, tick, tick BOOM!” she sang. “Oh stop it now will you!” I winced, “Here I, here I go now!… To watch Emmerdale. Mama J are y’'all with me?” By this point I hadn’t come here that night to hear the crowd go… I just wanted to go chill out on my cushion with Mama J and see what the Dingle clang were up to. BOOM!
Last Thursday morning I wasn’t able to go for my usual weekly visit to see Great Granny BB, as she hasn’t been very well at all and she had a house visit from the District Nurse and two of her very good friends were also there doing some jobs for her. It was deemed with the house being a hive of activity that I may not be able to keep my cool, hold my nerve and keep bloody quiet! Okay I see their point.
   While I was laid peacefully in my bed at home, Mama J, Granny and Great Granny’s best friend Sue were treated to the garden equivalent of a Sir David Attenborough nature programme. There was a beautiful fox laid flat out sunning itself at the bottom of Great Granny’s garden. 
   Mama J disturbed it slightly by pulling the blinds up so she could take a clear picture of it in all its splendour. It gave her “the stare” then popped its head back down and went back off to sleep. Mama J and Sue became a fox watching tag team while Granny got on with her weekly cleaning duties. They’d take a slurp of their tea then run in to see if the fox was still there. It moved onto the path but only left the garden completely when Granny had to get the lawn mower out of the shed.
   Mama j was relieved I wasn’t there on this occasion as I would have disturbed the fox entirely with all my vocal commotion. 


1 comment:

  1. Ewww. Males ... SO uncultured! Well, except for me, of course! I suppose the lab could've been a girl ... but if so, she doesn't have class and taste like you, Elsie. ~Bear Cat

    ReplyDelete