Mama J turned demonic last week in the wardrobe tidying stakes. She’s more ruthless in her clothes sorting than former What Not To Wear Presenters Trinny and Susannah combined. When helping Granny cull her clothes she has one eye on the contents of the cupboard and then one eye on the open charity bag that is ready to be filled whether Granny likes it or not. Although she is found to be just as decisive with her own clothes, especially this time round.
It all sparked off when Mama J decided to smarten up her act whilst looking down at her baggy white t-shirt that even the four brightly coloured Italian Job inspired Mini’s on the front couldn’t save, teamed up with an ocean blue bobbly cardigan that had seen better days, say the days of the late noughties! With the help of Granny and a large black bin liner Mama J set to work. Okay she sat in her Internet chair while Granny proceeded to flash items of clothing in front her while Mama J surveyed her wears and made the final cut.
The first debatable item was a pink and white knitted jumper that looked like something your Great Great Great Granny would wear. After a few minutes of it being sat on the bed Mama J decided to the charity shop it must go. Then came her rainbow coloured Ralph Lauren jumper. Mama J liked this brightly coloured top at the time she bought it but the shine was taken well and truly off it when she sent a picture of her purchase to a friend of hers and he declared it looked like something he’d seen on Time Team. Not an ancient metallic relic that a metal detector had discovered and then was dug up. No, this almost identical top was seen on Professor Mike Aston before his untimely death. Mama J’s top might of being Ralph Lauren but I don’t think the fashion guru would want to be associated with Professor Geek Chic do you?
The next item that failed to make the cut was a recent purchase of Mama J’s, her humbug patterned boyfriend cut trousers that Mama J had avoided wearing like someone with a phobia prior to their anxiety treatment. Every time Mama J was looking for trousers to wear she’d always plonk for her trusty jeans. Granny got her to try them on and she decided that she looked like a mix of MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice. It was time to stop… hammer time for these 90s inspired fashion madness, baggy trousers as Mama J can’t touch this or avoid this wardrobe malfunction anymore.
The final items that didn’t make the grade were Mama J’s black now distinctly grey looking long sleeved t-shirts. They had faded so badly through wear and wash that no colour catcher in the World was going to save them from the bag of new charity shop life.
On sorting her wardrobe out whilst sat in her Internet chair and then proceeding to order some replacement bits of clothing a worrying event was happening beneath Mama J’s butt cheeks! Psycho music if you please this really was a horror film in the making! Mama J was chaffing a hole in her Internet chair, a hole that on discovery Granny had to sew up immediately to stave off further ruin. Mama J has told me to tell you that rest assured she does not have a big bum, nor does it look big in any trousers, apart from her MC Hammer pants that are now firmly in the charity shop. Just wanted to make that abundantly clear. Also she said to tell you that the material on the high back chair that makes Austin Powers’s outfits look positively dull, is extremely thin.
So after singing, "There's A Hole In My Chair, Dear Liza!" a new Internet search began. Mama J couldn’t decide whether to replace the chair with something different or just get a cushion to perch her derrière onto. At first she found a new style plastic rocking chair. It was a combination of literally an old primary school chair with a metal rocker. Very trendy however Grandpa pointed out that Mama J would probably finish up on her computer then catapult herself across her bedroom like a kiddie with a sling and some rocks. A daily trip to A&E? I don’t think so.
The catapult idea inspired a twist (Mama J’s been watching too many Horrible Histories) from 1960s retro to Medieval historic looking chairs (what a beautiful mind Mama J has). She was looking at a very Regal Chesterfield flame red Queen Anne Chair. It was very posh but not quite what you’d expect to see in a modern day bedroom Then Mama J went from the sublime to the ridiculous as she jokingly (well was she joking at this point) said she wanted King Arthur’s throne. Delusions of pure grandeur or what? Anyway Granny burst her bubble (I think she didn’t want anymore tea orders from Queen Jools) by getting the tape measure out and instructing her that any royal chairs would have to remain in Buckingham Palace and wouldn’t be coming to Mama J’s chamber.
It was decided that Mama J would order a seat cushion and she found a £6.99 red and white gingham one on eBay which matched the border of her existing back cushion and is perfect for her bum and her ailing chair. Result!
I had my usual Thursday morning visit to Great Granny BB’s last week, however this was a trip with a difference. Mama J and I had to go out for a stroll around Great Granny’s neighbourhood as the District Nurse was there chatting through Great Granny’s care needs when we arrived and it was decided that I was too vocal to be present while the medical conversation took place.
Granny and Grandpa are usually in charge of my walks so I got extremely excited when Mama J said, “Let’s go Elsie!” In fact I was so excited I nearly pulled Mama J’s arm out of its socket to get us up Great Granny’s road and around the corner. “Slow down Elsie! I can’t prance as fast as you can!” Mama J exclaimed. As we turned the corner we were met by our first set of dogs, two Staffordshire Bull Terrier’s and a gentleman. I started barking and the bloke walking them gave a wry smile. I turned all Robert De Niro in the Taxi Driver and barked even louder as if to say, “Are you smiling at me?” Mama J escorted me quickly around the corner.
My next encounter lay in the bushes in the form of a very cute green eyed fluffy cat. Mama J spotted it first and ushered me from her left hand side to her right but I looked at the cat and didn’t bat an eyelid. Mama J reckons there must be a little feline mixed in with me somewhere down the line. Mama J I assure you I’m all dog and a Yorkshire no nonsense one at that!
The next thing to happen on our eventful morning stroll was quite amusing to me however very shockingly brown to Mama J. I decided I needed a “number two” so pulled Mama J onto the grass and squatted down. On finishing my poo Mama J then squatted down to pick it up (not to sound like a doggie owners training manual but she’s a fine dog owner indeed) just at the moment when I decided to boot it like Cristiano Ronaldo taking a free kick at goal. Poo was flying everywhere as Mama J looked on in sheer horror. Once the dust and poo had settled she placed her hand in the bag and attempted to pick up the poo that was now not in a tidy pile ready to be just picked up but was splayed all over the grass. Mama J who is by her own admission not fully trained in the art of poo picking ended up with some of my bum contents all over her hands then had to wipe them off with the corner of her handkerchief. She looked at me, laughed and said, “It’s good job I love you Elsie Bear!”
As we moved around the corner we spotted what Mama J thought was the cat again. We moved happily forwards the creature then Mama J realised the cat was making barking noises from its mouth. Boots The Opticians have been sending her reminders to go along for an eye test and I think she should be taking then up on their offers. The cat turned out to be Chihuahua named Teddy. We only found this out as Teddy’s owner was calling him back from their driveway frantically while apologising profusely to Mama J for Teddy, who was now bearing down on us like Lewis Hamilton going for a Formula One overtake. Mama J just froze like she was playing the children’s game of Musical Statues, but Teddy fortunately was very responsive to his owners cries and returned to the safety of his driveway. We moved swiftly on again around the corner.
When we got to the top of Great Granny’s road once more after we found that the Nurse’s car was still parked in the driveway, so we walked on and straight into the path of a Border Collie. Fortunately as we were in the city suburbs it was minus its sheep. On this occasion Gabby Logan was not required to scream, “Release the sheep!” By this point I was wound up and started barking frantically and spinning around on my lead as Mama J dragged me across the road. We wandered around the corner towards the shops and then Mama J decided it was time to go back (whether the Nurse was still there or not) to get a well earned cup of tea (for her) and a rest on Great Granny’s sofa for me.