Our house is like the house of flying doom at the moment. This year we have been invaded by cluster flies in Mama J’s bedroom/ensuite and Granny and Grandpa’s bathroom and they are driving us all to distraction! I say this year as in previous years (some of which are before my time here) we’ve had an ant infestation and a rotting corpse of a pigeon that lead to a swarm of loud buzzing flies coming down the chimney into our living room. Oh the glamour of living in the country darlings! 

Granny first noticed the cluster flies in her bathroom about two weeks ago but just thought at first they were flying through the open window. After shutting the window and door though the flies were still appearing in the enclosed area. 

Then last Sunday Mama J was having her morning chat to herself (it’s a sign of high intelligence talking to oneself apparently) whilst enjoying a leisurely shower before work, when one flew straight at the glass shower door like the famous scene from Psycho. Mama J was not impressed that her shower was so rudely and abruptly interrupted and on getting dried off had to fling the ensuite door open as the little bugger swooped down from the spot lights to make its attack. 

Grandpa bought some industrial spray and fly attracting killer tape for the loft, as that’s where one of our friends from down the road said through bitter cluster fly experience they were coming from. The cooler weather last week seemed to temper them slightly but last night with all the warm weekend weather we’ve had, they were back with vengeance. Mama J was heard shouting obscenities that are too rude for morning, afternoon and evening telly broadcast from her room and Grandpa went up to rescue her armed with lots of tissue paper each time she hallowed, which was about every five minutes during extra time in the football final. 

We’ve had more bathroom/bedroom invasions this morning so Grandpa has been sent by Granny on an internet search for a smoke bomb for the loft to hopefully see the dears off for good. Oh dear things really have got bad if we are blowing the loft up! Neighbours don’t worry I’m told the contraptions you can get don’t actually give off any smoke, so please don’t call the fire brigade just yet. 

Mama J was awoken on Thursday morning by One Direction. Don’t worry she’s not the next Caroline Flack who has bagged a date with young Harry Styles (okay gossip from a few years ago now but it’s still online so still counts). She could hear their voices in her head. There was no iPod, ghetto blaster, Walkman or turn tables playing so it was definitely all in her head. Well, the former The X Factor contestants aren’t bad voices to hear in your mind but seen as it was 3.15am when “What Makes You Beautiful” was whirling around in her head it may well have been Wagner singing the tunes. 

You’re insecure, don’t know what for… Everyone else in the room can see it. Everyone else but you… Baby you light up my world like nobody else. The way that you flick your hair gets me overwhelmed… You don’t know you’re beautiful. That’s what makes you beautiful! Argh they’re in my head too! Thanks Mama J and Grandpa who on being told of the voices promptly played the song on iTunes. 

Mama J drifted in and out of sleep after her brush with One Direction as she was only too aware that she had to be up for an early morning hair appointment on Thursday morning. I could hear her moaning away to herself at her 6.45am start. Now I know most people with a full time job would get up at this time but to Mama J this was and I quote her now, “An ungodly hour!” 

Mama J is an extremely spoilt 8.00am riser normally, although to her credit is always awake just before 7.00am for her morning look at social media and then to watch BBC Breakfast News in the slumber of her bed. Anyway I could hear her through Granny and Grandpa’s open window sighing as she walked up the path to Primrose and then driving off to get her hair perfectly quaffed into shape and style by her excellent hairdressing team. Ah needs must when the hair Devil drives.

Granny and I had to make a swift bid for freedom yesterday as there was a Country Fayre on in our village and all the crowds of people plus the visiting dogs would’ve driven me (and Granny with all my barking) to near distraction. I was loud enough when a marquee was erected right outside my living room window on Saturday morning for ticket sales to take place when visitors entered our road. 

Mama J was at work all day so missed all the wonderful event festivities but did manage to get a private showing along with Grandpa of some stunningly beautiful birds of prey that had been brought on Saturday evening. Her and Grandpa were going to go a birds of prey sanctuary a few weeks back but the wet weather prevailed and they decided not go until it was a little drier. They’ll be waiting until summer 2024 to see more birds then. 

The Fayre was a roaring success for the three respective charities they were raising money for and Grandpa enjoyed helping run the clay pigeon shoot. He is a member of the local clay club that put the shoot on so thought it would be a great idea to get them involved and his idea proved fruitful and added a great deal of fun for all those wanting to become the next Olympic medal winning Peter Wilson MBE. 

I had a more sedate and less banging day at Great Granny BB’s much to Granny’s delight. She exclaimed to Mama J that I was, “Excellent. Really excellent all day long.”


  1. Glad you got a break, Elsie :) And of course you were excellent for Granny - when are you not excellent?

    1. Yes I think Granny's levels of relief were slightly higher than mine! Mama J agrees, I'm a superstar all of the time. Wishing you a lovely week. Paws & licks, Elsie.