Mama J has been on holiday again this past week. The wonderful world of retail sure does give great holiday entitlement perks, she’s always off! Not that I’m complaining as I love spending time cuddled up on the sofa watching Ruth and Eamonn doing the summer edition of This Morning. Eamonn Holmes is a man after my own heart, very sarcastic but loveable at the same time.
Mama J’s week off hasn’t been without controversy of the very fizzy kind, in her left ear to be precise. No Mama J hasn’t been drinking any Champagne or the paupers version Asti Spumante with the bubbles rushing around her head like a juggernaut. Oh no she’s such a puritan these days and doesn’t even drink lemonade now for pure fear of getting a sugar rush, let alone any of the alcoholic kind of mind altering drinks. All she drinks is flavoured water (the still not sparkling variety as no bubbles must touch her palate), milk, a nice brew (tepid tea) and smoothies of the Innocent kind. Mama J did buy a Nutribulltet last year but that just like her juicer (the kind that made a thimble of juice come out) is just stood on the kitchen counter gathering dust. These little fads my family get themselves into.
Anyhow back to the fizzing. It all started the other Thursday just before Mama J was due to finish work for her holiday. With a tickle at first that Mama J thought could be a spot (her skin has been doing so well since she started her new facial wash. Mama J you’d better wash out your ears too like your Mama taught you to do when you were a child using the flannel) or an ear infection (let’s go with the dramatics Mama J as always). Both ailments were ruled out over the course of last weekend as Mama J’s tickle faded away but with that too did her hearing in her left ear. Now the burning question we had to ask was, is it congestion or wax? Mama J whipped out her Vicks Inhaler Nasal Stick that she found in her handbag. Most women just carry a lipstick but Mama J like a good Girl Guide came prepared. She sniffed that once (impatient for a result as ever) and as it didn’t clear it at all decided it was wax. After a joyful family meal out on Monday pulling her ear down to hear like a badly trained MI5 Spy, using an ear piece for the first time to gather intelligence and then another lunch with friends on Wednesday, Mama J decided proper cohesive and decisive action needed to be taken. Cue the Doctors Surgery!
Now Mama J had been putting more olive oil down her ear channel than flows at an Italian restaurant, however on calling in at the Doctor’s on Thursday morning to make an appointment to be syringed, sounds scary but seen as I’m informed no needles are used I’ve decided it isn’t so bad after all. She was told that you new guidelines state that you should pour three weeks worth of olive oil (are Doctor’s on commission with Bertolli) down before you even attempt the clearing out process. Mama J made the appointment but then decided after discussing it with Granny and Grandpa to go rogue and off piste. Grandpa had the unique idea of using one of my spare Epiphen syringes to try and flush the wax out. After gulping down her cup of tea, (how she wished there was Gordon’s Gin in her mug that day) Grandpa had a towel perched on her shoulder and a ceramic bowl to catch the stray floods of water and began the whooshing process of trying to flush the ear wax out, laughing like a maniac as he went along. I just watched on in sheer horror as I’d never seen such family water fun in my life before. It was like being at Rapids Water Park in Florida, except it was my living room and things were getting wet, very wet. The syringe didn’t work as the device wasn’t quite the right correct shape for Mama J’s ear channel so we moved onto the next stage in the water world process, we decided to troll the Internet looking for specific ear wax cleaners!
We (this was a family event) found some dedicated sights, ah just like the Cluster Fly website but for ear wax removal. The Internet really does bring such fun to our lives. However on looking Boots The Chemist web page they had a similar product and what’s more they had one in stock in our local branch. Mama J and Granny went off on an ear wax cleaner finding mission and came back with the Holy Grail.
This time it was Granny’s turn to soak Mama J with the cleaner with a fabulous result as tiny particles of wax were now in the bottom of the ceramic bowl, lovely! It was deemed that they should leave it a few days to let more olive oil penetrate the area further and Mama J should keep the appointment with the Nurse in a few weeks time just to make sure the wax was indeed all gone but it’s sounding good so far as Mama J can hear almost fully again, yippee!
Granny and Grandpa both tried the contraption out just for a bit of fun, they need to all get out more! Grandpa found it soothing as he always used to enjoy having his ears syringed this, the now old fashioned way before the industrial machine took over. Granny on the other hand found the experience quite awful and screamed all the way through. She’s pleased her ears have self cleaning powers, or that she listened to Great Granny BB’s flannel using advice growing up!
I’ve perfected a trick that in the past I’ve used only with Mama J (I’m such a cheeky thing) this week. The other evening instead of going out for my nightly toilet session in my own natural lavatory, the yard, I decided I was too tired and ran upstairs to Mama J’s bedroom. I could hear Granny calling me back down but pretended that Mama J had passed her ear wax she had removed onto me. I sat in Mama J’s doorway as she and Granny tried to get me to go out for a wee but Granny had to come find me. Oh dear I was in trouble so decided to use my telling off aversion tactics to the max. I rolled over onto my back and stuck out my left paw. Granny and Mama J’s hearts melted and even though I had to be carried down the stairs and out the back door I was off the hook.
A similar more exaggerated version of this tale happened on Friday morning when my family were going for a wander around a local gallery/antiques centre then for a bite to eat. The radio went on and the gate was put up in front of the stair case, no they were going to leave me. Cue the backward roll only this time with the practice of the previous night. I got huge, “Ahhhh’s!” and even claps for my performance from my loving family. They still left me for a few hours with the local radio station for company although it gave me an opportunity to practice my manoeuvres for next time they go out! Talk about me giving Beethoven a run for his money in the rolling over stakes.
So for some massively exciting news now! After a few sofa meetings (in between This Morning and Loose Women, okay in the advertisement breaks) with my advisor and task master (Mama J) I have decided to write a humorous novel along similar lines to this blog, although with more fiction than family facts. Well, Mama J has told me to and like a good girl I’m obliging. I just hope I can pull funny off most days of the week and this doesn’t turn into me a slave like a Sports Direct employee. I want regular toilet breaks on my time terms okay? I don’t want to say to much about the plot as I don’t want Melania Trump (Donald’s wife) plagiarising my ideas but I will be starting work really soon and I’m such a giddy Yorkshire Terrier about the prospect. I’ll keep you all informed on here as the book progresses.