BOOK THE WAX OUT WITH A ROLL OVER

   Mama J has been on holiday again this past week. The wonderful world of retail sure does give great holiday entitlement perks, she’s always off! Not that I’m complaining as I love spending time cuddled up on the sofa watching Ruth and Eamonn doing the summer edition of This Morning. Eamonn Holmes is a man after my own heart, very sarcastic but loveable at the same time.

   Mama J’s week off hasn’t been without controversy of the very fizzy kind, in her left ear to be precise. No Mama J hasn’t been drinking any Champagne or the paupers version Asti Spumante with the bubbles rushing around her head like a juggernaut. Oh no she’s such a puritan these days and doesn’t even drink lemonade now for pure fear of getting a sugar rush, let alone any of the alcoholic kind of mind altering drinks. All she drinks is flavoured water (the still not sparkling variety as no bubbles must touch her palate), milk, a nice brew (tepid tea) and smoothies of the Innocent kind. Mama J did buy a Nutribulltet last year but that just like her juicer (the kind that made a thimble of juice come out) is just stood on the kitchen counter gathering dust. These little fads my family get themselves into.
   Anyhow back to the fizzing. It all started the other Thursday just before Mama J was due to finish work for her holiday. With a tickle at first that Mama J thought could be a spot (her skin has been doing so well since she started her new facial wash. Mama J you’d better wash out your ears too like your Mama taught you to do when you were a child using the flannel) or an ear infection (let’s go with the dramatics Mama J as always). Both ailments were ruled out over the course of last weekend as Mama J’s tickle faded away but with that too did her hearing in her left ear. Now the burning question we had to ask was, is it congestion or wax? Mama J whipped out her Vicks Inhaler Nasal Stick that she found in her handbag. Most women just carry a lipstick but Mama J like a good Girl Guide came prepared. She sniffed that once (impatient for a result as ever) and as it didn’t clear it at all decided it was wax. After a joyful family meal out on Monday pulling her ear down to hear like a badly trained MI5 Spy, using an ear piece for the first time to gather intelligence and then another lunch with friends on Wednesday, Mama J decided proper cohesive and decisive action needed to be taken. Cue the Doctors Surgery!
   Now Mama J had been putting more olive oil down her ear channel than flows at an Italian restaurant, however on calling in at the Doctor’s on Thursday morning to make an appointment to be syringed, sounds scary but seen as I’m informed no needles are used I’ve decided it isn’t so bad after all. She was told that you new guidelines state that you should pour three weeks worth of olive oil (are Doctor’s on commission with Bertolli) down before you even attempt the clearing out process. Mama J made the appointment but then decided after discussing it with Granny and Grandpa to go rogue and off piste. Grandpa had the unique idea of using one of my spare Epiphen syringes to try and flush the wax out. After gulping down her cup of tea, (how she wished there was Gordon’s Gin in her mug that day) Grandpa had a towel perched on her shoulder and a ceramic bowl to catch the stray floods of water and began the whooshing process of trying to flush the ear wax out, laughing like a maniac as he went along. I just watched on in sheer horror as I’d never seen such family water fun in my life before. It was like being at Rapids Water Park in Florida, except it was my living room and things were getting wet, very wet. The syringe didn’t work as the device wasn’t quite the right correct shape for Mama J’s ear channel so we moved onto the next stage in the water world process, we decided to troll the Internet looking for specific ear wax cleaners!  
   We (this was a family event) found some dedicated sights, ah just like the Cluster Fly website but for ear wax removal. The Internet really does bring such fun to our lives. However on looking Boots The Chemist web page they had a similar product and what’s more they had one in stock in our local branch. Mama J and Granny went off on an ear wax cleaner finding mission and came back with the Holy Grail. 
   This time it was Granny’s turn to soak Mama J with the cleaner with a fabulous result as tiny particles of wax were now in the bottom of the ceramic bowl, lovely! It was deemed that they should leave it a few days to let more olive oil penetrate the area further and Mama J should keep the appointment with the Nurse in a few weeks time just to make sure the wax was indeed all gone but it’s sounding good so far as Mama J can hear almost fully again, yippee!
   Granny and Grandpa both tried the contraption out just for a bit of fun, they need to all get out more! Grandpa found it soothing as he always used to enjoy having his ears syringed this, the now old fashioned way before the industrial machine took over. Granny on the other hand found the experience quite awful and screamed all the way through. She’s pleased her ears have self cleaning powers, or that she listened to Great Granny BB’s flannel using advice growing up!
   I’ve perfected a trick that in the past I’ve used only with Mama J (I’m such a cheeky thing) this week. The other evening instead of going out for my nightly toilet session in my own natural lavatory, the yard, I decided I was too tired and ran upstairs to Mama J’s bedroom. I could hear Granny calling me back down but pretended that Mama J had passed her ear wax she had removed onto me. I sat in Mama J’s doorway as she and Granny tried to get me to go out for a wee but Granny had to come find me. Oh dear I was in trouble so decided to use my telling off aversion tactics to the max. I rolled over onto my back and stuck out my left paw. Granny and Mama J’s hearts melted and even though I had to be carried down the stairs and out the back door I was off the hook.
   A similar more exaggerated version of this tale happened on Friday morning when my family were going for a wander around a local gallery/antiques centre then for a bite to eat. The radio went on and the gate was put up in front of the stair case, no they were going to leave me. Cue the backward roll only this time with the practice of the previous night. I got huge, “Ahhhh’s!” and even claps for my performance from my loving family. They still left me for a few hours with the local radio station for company although it gave me an opportunity to practice my manoeuvres for next time they go out! Talk about me giving Beethoven a run for his money in the rolling over stakes.

   So for some massively exciting news now! After a few sofa meetings (in between This Morning and Loose Women, okay in the advertisement breaks) with my advisor and task master (Mama J) I have decided to write a humorous novel along similar lines to this blog, although with more fiction than family facts. Well, Mama J has told me to and like a good girl I’m obliging. I just hope I can pull funny off most days of the week and this doesn’t turn into me a slave like a Sports Direct employee. I want regular toilet breaks on my time terms okay? I don’t want to say to much about the plot as I don’t want Melania Trump (Donald’s wife) plagiarising my ideas but I will be starting work really soon and I’m such a giddy Yorkshire Terrier about the prospect. I’ll keep you all informed on here as the book progresses.


MAY A NEW COLOUR SCHEME BRING US GIRLS WEALTH, HAPPINESS AND A LITTLE... ROMANCE

So Eagle eyed readers of my blog will notice a change in the pages colour scheme but please don’t worry I will be keeping the usual blend of humour throughout, (paws crossed you’ll agree) we will not be visiting the dark morbid side of writing. This is not turning into Eastenders! 

This change came about by the flash of the iPad’s camera feature with my Grandpa, the family’s equivalent of David Bailey at the helm. He was bored last Tuesday as Granny was over at Great Granny BB’s and Mama J was out earning some pennies to keep myself and her in the manner we’ve become accustomed to. Anyhow he picked up the iPad and decided we’d do an impromptu photo shoot and I was going to be his muse. Vogue like poses at the ready! He took lots of picture of me in various strategically positioned angles and then showed Mama J when she got home. She was delighted and put almost all of them on my social media pages which got such a wonderful response. Her favourite snap is now the cover shot for this blog page, plus Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, Instagram, Pinterest and Google+. Boy I get about but in a good way I hope! 

On putting it on here we had a few sizing issues and had to shrink the width slightly of the page. I left Mama J to it in the end as I may write this blog so well but when it comes to the technical parts, I use the excuse of I’m a doggie and I can only use my brain so much in one week, (quirky fun doesn’t come easy you know) especially with all the other activities I have to accomplish such as fetching my toys, going for walk while keeping one eye open for Squirrels and coming on command when the word “treat” is used. That last one’s of benefit to my belly though so that makes it easy. Mama J sorted the width issues out however then decided with adding a new beautiful picture of myself (my head won’t fit through door frames with all the compliments I’ve had recently) we needed to shake things up altogether. 

She started looking into Colour Psychology and afterwards could’ve applied for a job on the next series of either 60 Minute Makeover or Changing Rooms. Laurence Llewelyn Bowen you’ve got some competition now I can tell you! It began with colour schemes for websites and then moved onto a colour wheel which resembled the game show The Wheel Of Fortune. Perhaps Nicky Campbell and Carol Smillie are available to explain this wheel to me as it seemed like pure madness to my untrained doggie brain. Mama J enthusiastically claimed, “This will give us the edge Elsie!” She believes that by adding a vibrant marketing approved colour theme that people will come flooding in and read my amusing tales. She is like the blogging equivalent of Sir Clive Woodward who employed eye specialists to give the 2003 World Cup winning (that part’s so important, the word winning) England RFU team the competitive edge over their rivals. 

Mama J was going to go with a yellow and violet theme with black writing. Yellow in colour psychology terms means, happiness, laughter, cheery and warmth (all qualities on here I hope you’ll agree) and violet is the contrast which you need to have (apparently). However on adding this colour scheme Mama J found out after trying in pure vain for ages (well all of twenty minutes) that she couldn’t get rid of the red text writing and replace it with black. The page looked like it had been enhanced by Joseph And His Technicolor Dream Coat. 

Mama J then decided that we would have to do a blog u-turn and scratch happiness and cheeriness and add a more romantic, energetic and exciting theme by adding more red along with a splash of purity and innocence (I better not get myself into anymore arguments with fellow dogs whilst out on my travels) by adding white and lastly by adding some authority, power, strength and intelligence going with a bit of black. This is complicated and I hope with us adding more romantic red you guys don’t expect this to be a rival site for the dating app Tindog! I’m sorry but I’m not going to be turning into The Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Stanger anytime soon.
Now I’m not going be burning my bra at any moment in the near future. Seen as I’ve only ever seen parka and duffle coats, tutu dresses and hoodies for dogs you needn’t worry about me getting my paws on a box of matches. Mama J also needs all the padded support she can get in the bosom department as I think I’ve seen flatter pancakes than her boobies. 

However the female and feminist part of our household (Grandpa was ambivalent on the subject) were thrilled that Theresa May has become our latest Prime Minster. She brings about a steely determination that our country needs. Also seen as I’m talking about fashion here her clothing and especially shoes add a creative and even cool element to her personality. I know a lot has been written this weekend about Mrs May’s style and that we should be focusing on her important policies but I hope that seen as she obviously takes a keen interest in fashion she won’t mind me admiring her for this as well as the excellent achievement of her becoming the second female Prime Minster after the “Iron Lady” herself Margaret Thatcher. 

Grandpa met Margaret Thatcher twice within the role of his previous job and even managed to get Mama J a personalised autograph of her memoirs as she was a massive fan of her gritty no nonsense qualities. This was quite something as Mrs Thatcher didn’t like to do personalised messages all that often. 

Mama J says all we need is Hillary Clinton in the White House and as the Beyonce song goes, “Run The World (Girls).” Now where’s that glass ceiling as us ladies are well and truly taking an inspirational hammer to it right now? 


ONE DIRECTION'S FLYING COUNTRY FAYRE ESCAPE

Our house is like the house of flying doom at the moment. This year we have been invaded by cluster flies in Mama J’s bedroom/ensuite and Granny and Grandpa’s bathroom and they are driving us all to distraction! I say this year as in previous years (some of which are before my time here) we’ve had an ant infestation and a rotting corpse of a pigeon that lead to a swarm of loud buzzing flies coming down the chimney into our living room. Oh the glamour of living in the country darlings! 

Granny first noticed the cluster flies in her bathroom about two weeks ago but just thought at first they were flying through the open window. After shutting the window and door though the flies were still appearing in the enclosed area. 

Then last Sunday Mama J was having her morning chat to herself (it’s a sign of high intelligence talking to oneself apparently) whilst enjoying a leisurely shower before work, when one flew straight at the glass shower door like the famous scene from Psycho. Mama J was not impressed that her shower was so rudely and abruptly interrupted and on getting dried off had to fling the ensuite door open as the little bugger swooped down from the spot lights to make its attack. 

Grandpa bought some industrial spray and fly attracting killer tape for the loft, as that’s where one of our friends from down the road said through bitter cluster fly experience they were coming from. The cooler weather last week seemed to temper them slightly but last night with all the warm weekend weather we’ve had, they were back with vengeance. Mama J was heard shouting obscenities that are too rude for morning, afternoon and evening telly broadcast from her room and Grandpa went up to rescue her armed with lots of tissue paper each time she hallowed, which was about every five minutes during extra time in the football final. 

We’ve had more bathroom/bedroom invasions this morning so Grandpa has been sent by Granny on an internet search for a smoke bomb for the loft to hopefully see the dears off for good. Oh dear things really have got bad if we are blowing the loft up! Neighbours don’t worry I’m told the contraptions you can get don’t actually give off any smoke, so please don’t call the fire brigade just yet. 
Mama J was awoken on Thursday morning by One Direction. Don’t worry she’s not the next Caroline Flack who has bagged a date with young Harry Styles (okay gossip from a few years ago now but it’s still online so still counts). She could hear their voices in her head. There was no iPod, ghetto blaster, Walkman or turn tables playing so it was definitely all in her head. Well, the former The X Factor contestants aren’t bad voices to hear in your mind but seen as it was 3.15am when “What Makes You Beautiful” was whirling around in her head it may well have been Wagner singing the tunes. 

You’re insecure, don’t know what for… Everyone else in the room can see it. Everyone else but you… Baby you light up my world like nobody else. The way that you flick your hair gets me overwhelmed… You don’t know you’re beautiful. That’s what makes you beautiful! Argh they’re in my head too! Thanks Mama J and Grandpa who on being told of the voices promptly played the song on iTunes. 

Mama J drifted in and out of sleep after her brush with One Direction as she was only too aware that she had to be up for an early morning hair appointment on Thursday morning. I could hear her moaning away to herself at her 6.45am start. Now I know most people with a full time job would get up at this time but to Mama J this was and I quote her now, “An ungodly hour!” 

Mama J is an extremely spoilt 8.00am riser normally, although to her credit is always awake just before 7.00am for her morning look at social media and then to watch BBC Breakfast News in the slumber of her bed. Anyway I could hear her through Granny and Grandpa’s open window sighing as she walked up the path to Primrose and then driving off to get her hair perfectly quaffed into shape and style by her excellent hairdressing team. Ah needs must when the hair Devil drives.
Granny and I had to make a swift bid for freedom yesterday as there was a Country Fayre on in our village and all the crowds of people plus the visiting dogs would’ve driven me (and Granny with all my barking) to near distraction. I was loud enough when a marquee was erected right outside my living room window on Saturday morning for ticket sales to take place when visitors entered our road. 

Mama J was at work all day so missed all the wonderful event festivities but did manage to get a private showing along with Grandpa of some stunningly beautiful birds of prey that had been brought on Saturday evening. Her and Grandpa were going to go a birds of prey sanctuary a few weeks back but the wet weather prevailed and they decided not go until it was a little drier. They’ll be waiting until summer 2024 to see more birds then. 

The Fayre was a roaring success for the three respective charities they were raising money for and Grandpa enjoyed helping run the clay pigeon shoot. He is a member of the local clay club that put the shoot on so thought it would be a great idea to get them involved and his idea proved fruitful and added a great deal of fun for all those wanting to become the next Olympic medal winning Peter Wilson MBE. 

I had a more sedate and less banging day at Great Granny BB’s much to Granny’s delight. She exclaimed to Mama J that I was, “Excellent. Really excellent all day long.”

WINNIE THE POOH'S HONEY AND A FISHERMAN'S FROZEN EXPERIENCE

Mama J was frightened into near submission last Wednesday morning when she had to go visit her worst nightmare. No not the Spider enclosure of the local zoo (okay so that actually maybe worse in hindsight) but a TOY SHOP! 

To steal herself for the occasion Mama J went into Pets At Home which other than M&S is her favourite shop. She went to get me a little pick me up toy from the pet store, as she didn’t want me to feel left out when she bought an all singing all dancing baby toy into the house. She got me a squeaky Monkey which she said to the gentleman serving her, “It looks a little like a Squirrel so Elsie will enjoying running around with it just like she enjoys chasing the Squirrels in our village!” The man looked at her strangely and as if to say, “Don’t you know anything about animals you silly lady? It’s a Monkey!” but then just enquired what sort of a dog I was. Now that’s good customer service, letting the customer think they are always right even when they are clearly deluded. 

Mama J should really know better as she read the latest edition of her World Wildlife Fund’s (WWF) supporters magazine all about the excellent work the charity are doing for wildlife and conservation from cover to cover. Anyway once she got me my present it was onto the main event for that morning, Toys R US! 

The reason is that our very good friends have had a little boy and Mama J couldn’t find anything suitable on the Argos website to spare her from going large (in terms of toys) in a toy shop. When she looked she found under the age bracket of 0-6 months a Thomas The Tank Engine set that when clicked upon revealed it was for a four+ year old with a child ready for their first day at school playing with Thomas and his engine pals. Numbers obviously aren’t Argos’s strong point. 

On walking into Toys R Us she was met with a kaleidoscope of colours and noise, lots of noise! Now this was about 10.30am on a Wednesday morning when most of the little cherubs would be at school, however it was still a little like a kids birthday party with screaming of, “Mummy I want that one!” while the child was frantically pointing at the latest Frozen toy with Elsa and Olaf plastered all over it. The noise of the Frozen soundtrack followed Mama J around the store as “Let It Go!” blasted out from a microphone with a little tot singing along. Oh dear it wasn’t The X Factor standard I can tell you. The last time a Disney tune was so brutally murdered was when Katie Price and Peter Andre decided to release their version of A Whole New World from the film Aladdin. The indescribable feeling they sang about was that of a person with the strongest of stomach constitution reaching for the sick bucket and retching! 

After a brief look at the baby clothes with Mickey Mouse and yes more Frozen pictures emblazoned across them, Mama J reached the back wall where all the noisiest baby toys were kept. If you can’t beat them join them she thought as she pressed the buttons on a bright yellow Lion who started singing all about the colours of the rainbow. Perfect that was the toy Mama J was going to buy. 

On queuing up at the till Mama J heard coming from the distance those immortal words of “Let It Go. Let It Go!” Oh no it was the little girl and her Mum waiting in line to pay for her Frozen microphone! Mama J swiftly paid and left the store to the safety of her car, phew! 

On presenting the singing Lion to her proud friends they pressed the Lion’s tummy and when it played joyfully once they enquired, “Where’s the off switch?” They are going to have fun in a few years time when Disney release their latest singalong film.
I’ve had a few inspired moments this past week where Mother Nature has most definitely played her part. On Tuesday evening Granny and I set off for our evening stroll in what I’ll describe as light drizzle which then turned into lashings of pouring rain as we got to the middle of our usual circuit. Granny was sensible and had a coat on, I was ever the optimist and didn’t wear my wax Barbour inspired jacket and got absolutely soaking wet. 

Now when I say wet I mean dripping like I’d been for a colossal swim across the English Channel. I was shivering as we quickly scuttled back up the road and into the dryness of our house. On telling Mama J she started looking for a Fisherman’s outfit of yellow rain coat and matching hat to protect my head, which is my most vulnerable area when wet. What a fetching get up that will be for me to wear! Just call me Captain Birdseye’s pooch and I’ll be done.
At the weekend Watson (love of my life) and I were playing patiently while Grandpa and Watson’s Mum chatted when we both spotted Peter Rabbit (we don’t if that was his name but if its good enough for Beatrix Potter’s character its good enough for me) bobbing along the wall. However he spotted us and as we charged towards him with such gusto he ducked behind the wall until we were safely distracted by our owners with some yummy treats. Grandpa told me when we got back that Peter had moved on into the fields while Watson and I weren’t looking. Cheeky Grandpa he could’ve been Watson’s and my lunch. Forget Lady and the Tramp’s spaghetti we want Rabbit Pie! 

Our pesky Squirrel was back to torment me over the weekend as he danced on our railings once more. I got so enthusiastic with my window pursuit of him that I must have looked like I had distinct rage issues, as I was quivering so much that I think Granny was ready to call in a Therapist to sort my anger issues out. Now talk to the group if you will!

After my wet walk on Tuesday I was left sickening for something on Wednesday. All day I was quiet (well apart from when the post came flying through the letterbox or a Horse galloped passed the window) and just laid of the sofa while Mama J tried in vain to win me around with a loving stroke or a biscuit treat. 

Then on Wednesday evening whilst my family were watching The Nation’s Favourite Dogs I started lapping my mouth with my tongue and scratching my jawline. Mama J’s concern of the Yorkshire Terrier only coming seventh in the poll (who does this survey anyway)  and turned to me as I was uncharacteristically for an evening sat on the floor with Grandpa rather than laid in my usual position on my cushion next to Mama J on the sofa. Everyone kept asking me, “What’s wrong Elsie?” unfortunately I can type but I can’t speak in human vocal form. 

Anyway it was concluded that I’d either picked up a chill/virus (where’s that Fisherman’s hat again) or my pearly white teeth were playing up again. Granny who is like an action hero went to get the pot of honey from the kitchen as it has antiseptic qualities I believe. I just like Winnie The Pooh lapped up the honey and my mouth lapping stopped. 

My family have kept a close eye on me over the weekend and the Vets number is of course on stand up but it’s looking good that I’ve just had a twenty-four bug and was literally just feeling under the weather.
To finish on this week I must tell you that I have one extremely proud Mama. She was given a glowing “school” report from Granny on my behaviour over the weekend. No, there wasn’t even an apple of bribery offered either in gaining my accolades, just a whole lot of love given from me to my Great Granny BB who really isn’t well at the moment. 

I’ve been visiting her with Granny and Grandpa while Mama J was at work and offering her a loving paw and lots of licks to give her a comfort boost. I even gave her an early birthday present of a framed picture of myself looking glamorous which I’m pleased to say made her smile. Right I’m off to stick up my gold stars and polish my halo.