Saturday, 7 May 2016

MAMA J'S CRACKING THE WHIP SO I'M PRODUCING SATURDAY NIGHT TYPING FEVER!

It is Saturday night and Granny and Grandpa are getting ready to go out for a meal with some friends and Mama J has turned into a slave driver from hell for the night! She’s got her old horse riding whip out of her car and is tapping it on the side of the sofa like a Dominatrix (she’s in her work uniform though not quite leathers at the ready just yet) and shouting, “Type. Type and make it funny!” Oh the pressure of coming up with a blog post on a Saturday evening when I normally “do” funny on a Monday. All this I’m assured will be worth me missing my weekly dose of the wild, wacky and wonderful acts on Britain’s Got Talent when I’m running as fast as the Sonic Bomb jet we had flying in our skies the other evening down the beach on Monday lunchtime. Mama J thought the mega loud bang was Leicester City football fans letting off fireworks as they had just won the Premier League. That I think is stretching the loudness and capabilities of fireworks all the way from Leicester but it was a resounding feat on the football clubs part no less. Massive congratulations to them on all they’ve achieved this season. Yes, we are going off for the day to Saltburn and then possibly Staithes for me to chase (sorry meant make friends with) the pooches on the beach there and then eat fish and chips and drink a yummy cup of hot chocolate. We’ll be learning whether I do like to be beside the seaside or not! More on that when I’ve written it on getting home on Monday. See I don’t get away with having a full Monday off, I have to share my experiences with the group straight away instead of digesting the ambience of the day. What did I tell you Mama J is a really hard task master? She’s been watching too many business shows on the telly. Think I should confiscate the remote control unless it is Coronation Street that she’s wanting to watch. Mind you I’ve fallen out with those Meerkats in the adverts of Coronation Street as the musical tone with the Batman themed advert makes me jump up and down barking like Rocking Robin. Mama J says, “Elsie it’s on five times a week! Can’t you get used to it and shut up!” In a word Mama J, “NO!” 
I went to the Vets the other day for my Epilepsy levels checking. Mama J had her Thyroid levels checked the other week so I can’t be let off from the experience of donating my blood to medical science as well. The Vet nearly had a puncture mark donated as well as having my blood, right into his hand as I tried to give him a sneaky nibble for trying to prod and poke at me. I think I’ve got Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) from the pain of all my dental work last year. I want a sympathetic cuddle here but Mama J’s still tapping that whip! I was fine walking through the doorway and into the reception area but as soon as the Vet called me through to the consulting room I had a panic attack and put the breaks on. Okay I mean my back paws down in full on skid mode (I’m not a car) in protest. Anyhow the Vet shaved my neck and got my blood, he’s such a charmer! Fortunately you can’t see where he shaved me due to my lovely bling bling collar as it’s a style that I don’t see catching on the dog grooming world anytime soon.
Mama J and Granny took me down the polling station, well The Village Hall that doubles up as the votes are made and I made a lot of noise in the car whilst they were in there casting their election votes. Not with my mouth may I add? I set the alarm off on Granny’s Mini bouncing around in it. Can’t a Yorkshire Terrier have their say on local governmental issues too? I always make sound sense so I would've voted so wisely! Mama J and Granny were talking to the Tortoise Shell Cats owners whilst at the polling station about Flora’s antics (that’s what the wild woman is called). Last Monday while my family were eating their cheese and biscuits for lunch Flora was mischievously heading northwards up a tree trying to chase the Black Birds. She got higher and higher up and the birds were reenacting the famous Alfred Hitchcock film The Birds and taunting her. Mama J was all set to call the Fire Brigade (any excuse to see her favourite men in uniform) as Flora was swinging frighteningly from the tree branches. Then her owners came home from their walk and as if by magic Flora came down to greet them. Phew Mama J could breathe again! She was almost turning blue holding her breath in worry for Flora’s safety. It seems this isn’t the only cheeky thing that young Flora did last week. She was in charge (yes a Cat with very authoritarian standards) of the Window Cleaners whilst they were on their rounds. Flora’s owner said she was literally inspecting the windows as they washed them and if they weren’t done to her exceptionally Army style standards she’d whimper until there wasn’t a smear in sight. I get on quite well with Cats so I might make friends with Flora and invite her over for a play date as I reckon I could learn some diva skills from her.
Now this is done I can settle down, get upset by the pinging machinery on Casualty then reserve my energies for Monday’s trip to the seaside! Bring on those Seagulls!



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