Last week Mama J had the final of her birthday treats from Granny and Grandpa. Gosh this girl does well on the present front and her birthday nearly goes on until the next one with all the special evenings out she’s had! She was given a tour of The World of Curtain and Cushion Design. This girl lives so exotically these days. She even saw Great Granny BB’s twee country garden curtains and cushions flash before her eyes. Also there was the sumptuous Christmas colours of deep emerald greens mixed with berry tones on display. I sound like an Interior Designer off Channel 4’s Millionaires’ Mansions who would charge £20,000 for a sandalwood candle. Some of these were complimented by being made in velour material. Okay so I know you are now thinking of Little Britain’s Vicky Pollard so we’ll swiftly move away from that non-classy vision that you are all conjuring in your heads. Mama J used to have a DESIGNER (she made me make that clear) velour red evening suit. However she wore it around the pubs in town and some drunken fool spilt Blue WKD down it and it was ruined. Well, if it had of being Champagne (you have to have standards in your spillages you know) it wouldn’t have bought Mama J to tears but as it was just an alcopop, water was flowing like a tap out of her eyes. Along with the interior design elements of this show there was a lots of jigging performances and also some singing that reminded Mama J of the opening titles of The Vicar Of Dibley. Mama J was disappointed that Dawn French didn’t come on stage and reenact the now famous scene where she throws herself down a muddy hole.

There was also some fabulous musicians on the stage throughout the show and at one part there was a drummer who asked for audience participation. Mama J started off clapping however she finds herself so inept at any clapping challenge that she beats her hands to the sound of her own drum. A drum that nobody else has ever heard playing in their lives! Granny and Grandpa were just staring at her and then shaking their heads laughing at her lack of clapping know how. They never taught her this growing up just as they used to feed her all sorts of vegetables that she just decided in her teens that she didn’t like! Thankfully though this was the only audience participation in the programme of the show as it wasn’t actually an interior design event at all (sorry to Mama J for making you out to be a real sad sack there) it Riverdance! The skill of the dancers was phenomenally excellent and has been replicated by Grandpa in our living room ever since. Rhythmless Mama J daren’t partake in the dancing for fear of more embarrassment so just sits in her own little world on the sofa clapping totally out of time with the music blasting away on the stereo system. Even though I am a Yorkshire Terrier and not an Irish Jack Russell Terrier, I’ve learnt some of the skipping moves on display, that I can now put into practice when that famous Irish music comes onto the iPod. It’s a shame Michael Flatley is retiring soon as I’ve got some fantastic choreographic ideas for moves that we could’ve built a new show out of.

On Friday evening Granny and Grandpa went to a neighbours house for drinks and left me in charge of Mama J. Standard way around in our house. It was bedtime so I dutifully went out into the yard (my floral planted toilet area) to do my lady business then went up to Mama J’s room. As I entered the bedroom I spotted a flash of something move under Mama J’s chest of draws and that was it I went into full on surveillance mode. My head was under that chest of draws for about twenty minutes. I kept moving my body position and then sticking my head back under like a pig eating feed from a trough. Mama J came along for the ride (well to see what all the fuss I was making was all about) and put her head next to mine and spotted my nemesis running around under there, a spider! I saw the look of horror on Mama J’s face for a split second but I was not fearful at all and if this mission took all night then so be it, (we had Belvita to munch on should we get peckish) I accept it and would complete it fully and to the letter. After another five minutes the spider obviously got a little bit adventurous or bored of me eye balling it and tried to make its great escape passed me and down the side of Mama J’s hairdryer. I was poised ready to pounce. Like Mick Dundee on seeing a Crocodile, I was ready to wrestle… Then Mama J swooped in stealing it right from under my nose and scooped it up into a tissue and placed it down the toilet with lightening speed. I kept looking in disbelief. Was Mama J with her quick reactions actually Lewis Hamilton in disguise? Or did she indeed just want to get settled down and ready for The Graham Norton show which was about to begin? Anyway my entertainment continued for a further ten minutes until I too got bored and actually started to believe Mama J when she kept telling me she’d got the spider. I jumped on Mama J’s bed until Granny and Grandpa returned home to be told the story of my brave protective activities.

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