GRUMPY'S MINION ICE CREAM MUNCHING RYLAN CLARK-NEAL GAP STYLING!

Well, Mama J’s holiday has gone in the blink of my Yorkshire Terrier eye. I have found a new found interest in Minion’s thanks to the ITV showing of Despicable Me 2 on Saturday tea time. Mama J loved to jig along in an extremely uncoordinated manner to Happy by Pharrell Williams. So keen was I my ears pricked up to heights only seen when I watched The Meerkats at the start of Coronation Street and my all time favourite (and Grandpa’s) 2001: A Space Odyssey where I was hypnotised by the sights and sounds on my TV screen. Anyway I’m beyond excited as Mama J has promised me that we can watch the proper full scale Minions film together. I’ll bring the cuddles if you bring the popcorn Mama J.
Now this morning I was awoken to the dulcet tones of Mama J singing in the shower. However this was a distraction technique sing song as Mama J had a spider in her ensuite which was bouncing like Bear Grylls on his Mission Survive programme above her head. She was singing, “Bad Boys. Bad Boys. What you gonna do when they come for you?” While the whole time keeping her eye focused firmly on the swinging spider. When she got out of the shower and was drying herself off the little b****r pounced a little too much from its web and Mama J was out of there like a celebrity on an Ant and Dec show and I’m not talking the Saturday Night Take Away kind of show here. “Ohhhhhhh! There’s a spider!” Grandpa went to the rescue with stool in hand (that is all it is used for I think. Oh scratch that I’m informed Granny piles washing on it too ready to be ironed) and even though his eyesight isn’t 100% 20/20 these days he just about managed to spot the ever so small (big to Mama J you understand) spider and pop it down the toilet so Mama J could go back in and finish getting dried.

On Wednesday morning Grandpa got out of the wrong side of bed, to put it mildly! He gave Marble and I our morning stroll and got grumpier and grumpier as we got round the walk. It was windy and rainy. We didn’t want to be out in it either but hey a dogs got to do what a dogs got to do. When we got home Mama J enquired why Grandpa was so grumpy and then he let rip, “Well maybe you’d like to walk them instead of doing your hair and make up!” When Mama J came down stairs looking pretty and beautifully turned out Grandpa was banging about the kitchen like a kid playing the drums for the first time. She turned to him and said pointedly as Marble and I dived into our toy basket for cover, “If you don’t change your attitude you won’t be coming to the Designer Outlet with us!” Granny came down stairs at this point laughing her head off at what Mama J had just said all motherly and authoritarian to her Father. Well, that told him! Unfortunately although temporilary improving his mood his air of grumpiness slipped back into the fold when they reached the first store in the Designer Outlet, Gap. As they wandered around the displays Mama J noticed a half eaten ice cream (vanilla flavour I’m informed) had been not so strategically placed by a group of t-shirts in the menswear department. Grandpa had picked up a pair of skinny fit jeans and headed to the counter to pay. On reaching the counter he told the member of staff serving him, “One of these little ankle biters has left a half eaten ice cream by the t-shirts over there.” As he pointed he looked to the right to see the sheer horror on the woman next to him’s face as she was buying kids clothes for her child in the push chair below. Oh dear our very own Cain Dingle, Grumpy Dwarf and Incredible Hulk on a bad day had put his foot in it.
Now Mama J does have to take responsibility and some of the burden for Grandpa’s mood as she books half term week off every February not to look after any children, as apart from me her furry child she doesn’t have a need. It's just a pattern she fell into as she likes her holidays in the winter months. Also she suggested to Granny that they should go to the Designer Outlet for a wander round and lunch. Oh no I mentioned lunch! It was like a stampede for the next available table. Grandpa was left so traumatised he started with a cold over the weekend. I must say that Grandpa’s new jeans have caused a lot of controversy in our house as Mama J and Granny feel the skinny fit essence is bordering on the style of if the rumours flying round are true new X Factor host Rylan Clark-Neal! At least they are not Grandpa’s favourite shade of stone blast though, so he’s getting more down with the kids than the OAP’s! Grandpa did say he wanted to vet what I was writing today but oh dear…. Publish was just pressed!



SOME DENISE ROBERTSON ADVICE KICKS OFF MARILYN MONROE CUDDLES IN EMMERDALE FORM!

Mama J is on holiday this week recovering from stalking white van men with her spy gear of her bright yellow Mini Primrose (very inconspicuous), Oakley sunglasses (it snowed here yesterday) and a baguette sandwich along with a packet of Monster Munch (food is fuel for the body and the mind in stalking terms). Her stalking was in the name of finding the van with all her years of Valentine’s cards! Yeah right! I had you going there. My Mama J was at work yesterday, merrily may I add serving her customers flowers, cards and chocolates with her cynical colleague. They lamented how much people spent for this one love filled day, when actually they should be kind to their other halves all year round. So people I’m going to give you some excellent advice now and sound like the very inspired and wonderful This Morning’s resident Agony Aunt Denise Robertson.
If you are going to give a gift, give the gift of hugs, kisses and love. Failing that the odd diamond usually does the trick! As Marilyn Monroe sang they really are a girl’s best friend. Okay so I maybe need to watch delightful Denise’s phone in’s on This Morning more closely in future as I lost it a little along the way there!
As Mama J is off this week Marble and I are hoping for lots of cuddles. My cuddles will no doubt be on the sofa and extremely often if you please Mummy. Marble’s will be as and when he feels like it as he’s very discerning about the timing of his hugs. They can’t interrupt his vacant looks into space or his afternoon naps. He seems to like his snuggles at about 6.50am and then mid afternoon after the families brew and biscuits session. Any other time is sacrilegiously his. Mama J, Granny and Grandpa had come up with a covert operation to make me stay in Mama J’s bedroom all night instead of wandering around the landing and bouncing at the side of my grandparents bed ready to be lifted on until the birds are tweeting their dawn chorus. Ah what a wonderful habit to have gotten into. They had decided that tomorrow night either Granny or Grandpa would lift me up and take me back to Mama J’s room. Grandpa however is soft and after a few licks on his face and waving of my paw in a loving way in his direction, I managed to secure my midnight bedroom activities forever more. So now when I cry at Mama J’s bedside she will do the standard opening of the door act which is a massive result for me.
Emmerdale my favourite soap (being a Yorkshire Terrier this comes as a given) is running a competition to find a new animal star. Now I know Marble is more photogenic and has more starry qualities than I do. I’m just filling in here putting my pictures up and writing this blog so he keeps telling me to try and stop my head from getting so big it won’t fit through the door frames. However I have better gut behaviour at present so wouldn’t embarrass myself in the toilet department onset. Also I’m a quirky sort of pretty so feel I would fit in rather well as a new Dingle dog, not that Alfie doesn’t already do a sterling job. I think we would make a really cute, rough and ready double act. I would bring such a loud and at times creative energy that the Emmerdale crew would need to harness. However the rewards would I think pay in dividends of love and licks for all who worked with me. There that’s the written part of my application done now I better go film my audition tape ready to send off to the Casting Director.



A TABLE DANCING BEYONCE STYLE THRILLER OF A VALENTINE'S DAY

I’m now the full writing and looking article, a specimen of such quality and vast beauty. Praise me if you please! Yes, Granny with the help of her abled assistant Grandpa gave me the works, hairstyle wise while Mama J was at work on Saturday lunchtime. When I first had my hair cut here it was just two days after I arrived looking like a bedraggled state from my month in care. So I thought I better sit still on Mama J’s lap like a good girl while the scissors skimmed my face and body. Fearing going back into care. However after been here for well over a year now and getting my paws firmly under the table that I had now been placed so delicately on. Grandpa now has to stop me wriggle jiggling around like Beyonce doing her Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It) dance routine. Everyone sing and along with me and of course Mrs Jay-Z, “Oh oh oh oh oh oh! If you like you like it then you should’ve put a ring on it!” My haircut was going well until about half an hour in and like a child with a low boredom threshold, I started getting itchy feet wanting to go for an Aboriginal style walkabout around the hallway. Well, at least it wasn’t around Australia. Granny and Grandpa had to take a moment or ten until I was in the right frame of mind to continue. That or I’d have go about my business lopsided for the next twelve weeks until my next trim. Granny managed to straighten up my facial fur from where I was shaved and then operated on. The joys of having dodgy teeth and an undershot jawline but hey I’m still gorgeous.
Mama J already had a few videos on YouTube of Cedric (Marble’s former nemesis in the backyard. They could’ve been turned a new drama series instead of Bad Girls we have Bad Pets for all the winding up of Marble that Cedric used to do) her once bouncing bunny but she has decided to extend her channels video content to clips of Marble and I. We did fear she may send some embarrassing ones to ITV’s You’ve Been Framed show to try and get £250. I do hope she would get us some lovely treats if she had have sent them. Another coat perhaps? Oh the compliments I’ve had in the village about my lovely new tartan number. I feel like Elle “The Body” Macpherson. Anyway please have a look and a belly laugh at Mama J’s cooing on the link to the channel on the right hand side of this site. Oh I could get her some pom poms and a ra ra skirt and she’d make the excellent Super Bowl cheerleader. Marble’s Britain’s Got Talent audition “singing/crooning” leaves a lot to be desired but makes for good entertainment too. Speaking of singing and dancing, my family went see Thriller Live last Wednesday evening.  They thought it was brilliant show and Mama J has been honouring The King Of Pop by doing the moonwalk across her sparkly disco tiled bathroom floor ever since. Although she restrained herself from doing “the lean” as she decided that when Michael Jackson sang the words, “You’ve been hit by a Smooth Criminal” he didn’t mean her face hitting the floor, resulting in a trip to the local hospital’s A&E department. 
Now its Valentine’s Day this Sunday. I go with the philosophy of treat them mean keep them keen with my approach to flirting with my doggy suitors on the romantically harsh village streets. Although it may not necessarily get me any loving, I don’t care as I’m an independent lady! I’m clicking my paws with a whole lot of swagger typing this here. Mama J will be waiting in vain for her delivery truck full of cards, flowers and teddy bears that seems to have, even with the invention of Sat-Nav got lost every year since the year 2000! Good luck Mama J, Marble and I love you. Have a Happy Valentine’s Day folks.

VOGUE. THE PAW TARTAN FASHIONED VERSION!

Right so I’m sat in Mama J’s comfy folksy chair with my new Roland Mouret dress on and my claws neatly manicured and I’m loving the power dressing involved with my new blogging role. My fur is ready for a groom at the dog boutique, otherwise known as Granny and Grandpa’s dining room table. Oh the glamour! I have to have it done this way as I find other dogs apart from Mr Marble of course a challenge to be around. So a private trim, shampoo and set is an absolute must for me. Now my hair styling last time was done by Granny who copied a YouTube video to the second of every snip and quip. She did a sterling job so I will be keeping her on as my Personal Groomer. She brushes my wild wild hair so well anyway. Mama J my Personal Assistant will be telling her in due course so we can arrange a time slot for an appointment within my now busy writing schedule. Mama J has prepared me for my new role by making me watch videos from Vogue’s YouTube channel. I watched the start of one made by Alexa Chung last Friday and will be watching the rest in the coming days to add knowledge for this enterprise which I’m undertaking. Anna Wintour eat your heart out! Now Marble tells me this is a comedy blog so I guess I better throw in some old school jokes. Here goes:-Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. Or how about this old gem? Knock knock. Whose there? Doctor. Doctor Who? Marble’s now giving me disapproving and almost dagger looks from his fan light vantage point on the landing. Oh dear I better not upset the Master had I? I’ll end up getting deposed before I’ve really got going. 
I believe Marble told you that I had been shopping last week with Granny and Mama J. Well there was more where that came from as Mama J was tasked to find me a new coat. I know another one but hey a career girl can never have too many smart coats. I wanted a red tartan one to match my collar and lead. I like to be a coordinated Yorkshire Terrier. My coat arrived this morning and it’s a stunning one, I hope you agree. Mama J also went ski coat shopping with a friend of hers and he wanted something to clash with his neon yellow (think Bob The Builder’s style. There’s no accounting for taste is there?). Oh the shame of the clash! He assured her that this was all the rage of the slopes of The french Alps. As he looked around the ski wear outlets, Mama J rightly told him he couldn’t wear beige as it should be banned from the colour chart! Ouch harsh but definitely true. He looked at an orange one but in the ended opted for a green one with yellow zips. Phew there was a little coordination there in the end. Then on the way back from the shops they went to look at a tangerine (yes you read that correctly) coloured car. Mama J joked that her friend would be dressed in a yellow pair of trousers with a green jacket and driving an orange Ford Focus! The whole wide World (yes even the far reaching parts) plus the International Space Station would have seen his rainbow extravaganza and heard Mama J squealing loudly that she might see her friend again if wore dark colours when he was with her, as too much brightness and she may need eye surgery from all the multi-coloured damage!
Okay so there’s not going to be any War and Peace ranting on from me. Marble does love to go on just ever so slightly with his posts. Even my Great Granny B told him to rein it in as he was getting little too wordy. We may have to have a write off instead of a Strictly Come Dancing dance off once Marble’s feeling better. I’ll sharpen my wit! I’ll check back in next Monday until then have a great week.