LIGHTSABER, CAMERA PHONE AND HAIR DYE ACTION!

Two years have passed since Joolsy and Mum moved from the dark side to the light side. No, I’m not talking hair colour here or even Star Wars. Patience on that score as it’s coming I promise! I’m talking Apple’s iPhone and in the two years since their technological awaking. Oh go on then let’s go the whole hog here and call it an epiphany! Joolsy and Mum have enjoyed the joys of Apps and Elsie and I have endured (sorry enjoyed) the effects of the iPhone’s camera been thrust in our faces. Strike a pose there’s nothing to it! Madonna, David Bailey and Mario Testino in their own unique ways have a lot to answer for. I think that every time the flash goes off while I’m trying to chill in my Chesterfield high back chair. I must point out that it is a Chesterfield just in case you thought I’d moved to the realms of a Shackleton high seater. Just because I turn eight years young on Friday and I’m getting less enthusiastic on my walks, doesn’t mean I want full on comfort over style just yet. Wait another year then I’ll be begging Joolsy to order me a tartan rug off eBay to cover my paws after another cold and wet walk. Joolsy was set a mission by Mum and yes she did chose whole heartedly to accept it and that was to find the best deal for their new iPhone 6S after they’d navigated their way round their friends over dinner and loved the new features on offer. Joolsy went on Carphone Warehouse’s website and got a very good deal on next day delivery. Very important for this impulsive pair who given Joolsy’s “want it now nature” she would’ve driven anywhere at lightening speed on Tuesday afternoon, had it not been for the fact that Mum had already been out all morning grocery shopping. Then as a matter of interest she went to their network provider to see whether they could match or better this deal. Now I don’t think the lady really understood the full art of negotiation, as every time Joolsy pressed her for a slightly better deal she came back with a less favourable price or a lower megabyte allowance. Somebody hasn’t been watching Dragons’ Den have they? Joolsy said in her own way that she was in fact, “Out” and went back to Carphone Warehouse to obtain a mobile for both herself and Mum. Wednesday came and Joolsy kept circling the living room window like Dad does every time we are expecting a visitor. He stands to attention even though it’s a very old time friend and not The Queen calling. Putting remote controls in the draw as he sweeps the carpet floor with his pacing feet. Well, he can’t close up the TV cabinet anymore, Joolsy put pay to that so the draw has to feed that obsession for tidy order now. Even though they had a time slot of 12pm, Joolsy jumped up each time a white van drove by. Seen as there is a very productive business at the end of our road Joolsy had done her quota of squats by the time there was an actual knock on the door. Now their mobile provider must have been notified of their change to contract as they had turned their old phones to “No service” the night before. They felt like naughty girls who hadn’t paid their bills and sadly couldn’t put another 50 pence coin in the meter. So when their new phones arrived and Mum insisted they put their old sim cards in their new phones even though they were issued with new cards just with different numbers on their packages. This Joolsy knew wouldn’t work and sure enough “No service” not normal service was resumed. Joolsy backed up her new iPhone with her old sim contacts as the five YouTube videos she had used dutifully for consultation told her to. Ah there’s always an expert or five out there with a video on hand and Joolsy is always glad of the advice. Mum was now getting frustrated, she feared she was plummeting towards the abyss of having to use… A LANDLINE once more! At least you don’t have to go outside to a phone box as that really would be old school. Clark Kent/Superman still uses one as his changing room. Now you don’t get that, not even in Primark! Mum had had enough and seeing old methods of communication flashing before her eyes she rang Carphone Warehouse for advice and was told that the new sim card would work in the new phones even though it had a different number and they were keeping their existing numbers. Hallelujah the ability to text and call was restored… Well, after they had worked out that they had to pop the nano sim out of it's packaging. While all the iPhone installation was taking place there was so much ranting going on you wouldn’t believe. Elsie, Dad and I just kept looking at each other then ducking for cover, under cushions and behind sofas we dived covering our ears all the while. Joolsy who was due to leave for the hairdressers piped up, “I’ve got to go get my roots done. I need this sorting!” Mum chirped back, “Never again. I’ll remember this next time we want to upgrade. We are going to the bloody shop! I knew we should’ve gone there!” Dad was trying to play mediator saying, “You always knew it was going to be tight time wise with your hair appointment.” This was as Joolsy was shovelling toast into her mouth and guzzling down her flavoured water in a manner that no doctor would ever improve. It really wasn’t good for her digestive system that lunchtime. Anyway Joolsy managed to gain full service and off she went to get her dark roots lightened once more. Mum proceeded having not backed up her old contacts from her old sim (you should’ve watched the YouTube videos Mum) to restore her old phone to factory settings so she could recycle it by giving it to Dad. We are very good in this house we do bottles, plastic, cardboard (when the local council lets us but that’s another rant for another day there) and now mobile phones. Deleting all the information led to yet more ranting that Joolsy could no doubt hear from the hairdressers eleven miles away. Mum had deleted all her contacts. Duck Dad, duck Elsie! We’ve got to take cover Mum’s going to blow and swear A LOT! She began manually typing them in from her written address book (see paper really is King) and managed to somehow find numbers she had texted over the last few months and text landline numbers of people she didn’t have to on hand to get their mobiles too. So after a stressful afternoon service, mobile and otherwise was restored. Joolsy ordered a wacky case for her phone of Slinky, the dog from Toy Story which arrived and Mum ordered a plain which leather one which she is still waiting for. Mind you Elsie finally got her collar last week which was ordered in November, Santa lost it I reckon! Sadly Santa is on holiday now after his hard work, so Mum’s been speaking instead to the company providing the case to sort it out, as she’s scared of using her phone over the kitchen/dining room’s stone floor.
The family had a late morning date with Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher and the other cast members of Star Wars (I’m afraid not literally though that would be quite a coo) when they went to watch the film on Friday. Now I’m not going to spoil the plot for any of you who haven’t had the chance to see the new film yet. My family waited so they wouldn’t get bashed around by frightening looking children wearing Vader masks, waving around their Toys R Us bought lightsabers in an unskillful and unsavoury manner. The actors I’m sure were given saber training, little Johnny who got his off Father Christmas is probably trained only in the art of taking folks eyes out with his. Since they got back Mum just keeps saying, “They didn’t have to do that…Why did they?” about the fate of one of the primary characters. She said it as she ate of banana and peanut butter sandwich on Friday lunchtime and then it was obviously still preying on her mind as she ate her cheese stuffed crust pizza at teatime, quoting her lines again. Joolsy just wants a BB-8 droid toy. Dad who has a Talos figurine from Jason and the Argonaut’s, not to mention his American Civil War figures that he paints along with walls yes walls too, to one day create a full scale battle scene, was in full support and quoted the name of the shop nearby that had R2-D2 and may indeed have BB-8. Mum was less impressed and is now looking for the parental lock button on all the sites selling such a toy on all internet based devices in our house. We have 6 devices that keep disappearing like a Paul Daniels magic trick then mysteriously reappearing in he living room once more! Joolsy was impressed by Daisy Ridley’s character, the strong Rey. The actress must have done so much fitness training for that role as some of the fight/running scenes were so physical. This inspired Joolsy to do some stretches last night. Steady now Joolsy you’ll be running a marathon in oh twenty-five years time. Every time Joolsy watches a film with an action heroine in it, be it Star Wars, Tomb Raider or Kill Bill she wonders how the actress must have prepared for the role and whether their style of training would help her stamina wise. So to practice with she’s got a skipping rope, a cutlery knife (unsharp of course) and the attachment off the Dyson vacuum cleaner. All this before she gets herself some nunchucks, a Samurai sword and a lightsaber. Oh dear someone should’ve warned Joolsy not to try this at home, for our safety as well as her own!
Joolsy has been on holiday last week and has now seen the full power extent of the Smart TV’s capabilities in all its technicolor glory. Which was worrying for Elsie and I as Joolsy found a 2013 show called Extreme Dog Grooming. This compounded by the fact that I had scheduled appointment at the groomers at 9.00am this morning was an extremely worrying event indeed. I notice how Joolsy’s hair was done last week in its normal blonde hues unlike mine. I may come back looking like Dennis The Menace with a my white bits turned red to create the infamous Dennis jumper look. Or worse still in tribute to the musical icon David Bowie who sadly passed away yesterday, I may be getting a Ziggy Stardust inspired look. We know there is a spaceman waiting in the sky but I don’t think anyone is ready to meet me, a Cocker Spaniel with stars painted on my body and blue eyeshadow adorning my above eye area. Now I jest here but the groomers featured were in fact super creative and talented. The event shown was the annual Groom Expo Show based in Hershey, Pennsylvania and there were creations on mainly Poodles such as The Simpsons, Disney characters but the one that stole the prize winning themselves judges attention was a Geisha inspired theme and it was pure artistic magic. Joolsy tamely I was surprised by looked at Elsie and said, “You could be a fox! Shall we make you a fox?” Well, with her pointy features due to her undershot jaw she’s halfway there and if you backcombed her tail and squinted slightly, yeah I guess she could pass as Mrs Fox.

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