HELLO IS IT THIS SHINY SPOON YOU ARE LOOKING FOR?

There should have been another knock at the door this week other than the delivery drivers giving us goods that Mum and Joolsy had ordered online. These goods included a new collar for me. About time as I’ve had mine since I was a young growing boy and I turn eight next month so this is long over due. Elsie not to be out done on the collar or indeed on any front, well her new collar is we are informed is still on its way. This other knock at the door should’ve been two men in white coats coming to assess Joolsy’s mental state. As is it “normal” to gaze into the inside of a spoon and then giggle at the upside down reflexion starring back at you? Mum and Dad had got some new cutlery last week to replace items that have gone walkabout over the years. Okay in the bin or in pack up boxes, never to see the light of day again. The new cutlery is ever so shiny and Joolsy being a total Magpie with sparkles loved how the spoon she was about to take her medication with was glistening. I better explain Joolsy can’t take her medication without a spoonful of jam (not sugar as in Mary Poppins case, that helped the medicine go down in the most delightful way) followed up by two Maltesers. Mars will never go out of business now Joolsy’s medical needs are aiding their profits. “Why am I upside down?” Joolsy enquired to an astounded Dad, who couldn’t believe Joolsy hadn’t been taught this in her Science lessons in school. Oh dear just what has Mum put in Joolsy’s NutriBullet made smoothie this morning? Now for Professor Brian Cox or should that be Professor Dad to give his sermon. “It’s like a hall of mirrors and because it’s concave.” Gosh this is technical stuff! Then Joolsy flipped the spoon over and said, “Now I’m Chubby Jools. Why is that?” Dad shaking his head again in disbelief answered, “It’s now con-vexing you! Making you bigger. Concave and convex you see? What did you learn in your Science classes if you didn’t learn this stuff?” Joolsy racking her brains back almost twenty years now said, “Flirting! So a bit of Chemistry and Biology.” Dad then commented back at Joolsy’s Facebook status of “Single”, “Well it didn’t do you a lot of good did it?” Maybe if Joolsy listened to Professor Brian Cox when he was on the telly instead of laughing at his dreamy (or should that be D:Ream expression, his nineties pop band) face she would have known more than her school failings gave her credit for.

The spoon incident wasn’t the only worrying behaviour from Joolsy this past week. I walked into the living room for my afternoon lie down in my favourite Chesterfield chair to find Joolsy singing REM’s Strange Currencies to her iPhone. The disturbing part was that she was singing to a photo of a Smart TV. This went along the lines of, “… I want to turn you on, turn you up, figure you out. I want to take you on.” She was grabbing the remote control as she sang the line, “Turn you on” and pointing it at the image on her phone. Please don’t let her loose in John Lewis’s audio visual department with a remote control! She may get everyone singing though which maybe extremely entertaining. Then she got to verse two which went, “These words, “You will be mine.” These words, “You will be mine.” All the time.” All along or should that be all the time? Joolsy was miming like Charlie Chaplin in his heyday, putting expression into the words of the song.  Now I’m sure when Michael Stipe and his talented band members wrote Strange Currencies they never intended it to be used as a “The Secret” style visualisation technique but I hope being creative chaps themselves they’d appreciate Joolsy’s creativity with their lyrics. All this was because Joolsy and Mum had sent Dad a cheeky pair of emails whilst he was at work each with the following picture.
Above the photo Joolsy’s message said, “Want one.” and Mum typed, “A TV is for life not just for Christmas.” Well, we found getting Elsie last Christmas that indeed a doggie is definitely for life not just for Christmas so we are moving the situation and saying onto inanimate objects now too in our family. This had the desired effect on Dad though as he’s agreed to get an HD television if can we have it on top of a new converted for the Freeview box and DVD player walnut (not mahogany as Mum was doing a Google search for) chest of drawers. Result! So the search for the chest of drawers not Lord Sugar’s next Apprentice continues. Joolsy could get herself a job with the United Nations. However her blend of sarcasm and wit may have to be curbed slightly on the diplomacy scale that or the UN may have to rewrite their training manual to accommodate Joolsy’s extra humorous skills.

Elsie and I have been dragged quickly down the road twice this week by Mum who’s hair was looking slightly less groomed than usual. Thankfully for Mum we never ran into George Clooney wandering up the road looking for a cup of his favourite Nespresso coffee. In Joolsy’s imagination George’s wife who is beautiful, highly intelligent and we were told by Comedian Kathy Lette, extremely funny, can’t make a decent caffeine fix for her husband. If that is her only imaginary flaw then Amal Clooney really does have it all. Now these early morning sprints were for a very special reason. This being Mum getting her hands on three Adele tickets. Firstly she signed up to be a member of Adele’s online fan club. Wonder if you get a signed picture and some stickers like in the old days? This gave you priority over everyone else once the first lot of tickets were released last Tuesday morning at 9.00am. Mum dutifully turned on the iPad for the Mail Chimp website to crash. That will be my Mail Chimp subscription service for this blog crashing with eager readers wanting their Marble induced Cocker Spaniel style Comedy Turn. Okay I’m getting overzealous here and totally untruthful but hey one day my friends who knows. The website stayed down for around six minutes and then Mum was able to put in her special code and join the queue. The website refreshed itself every twenty-four seconds. I can be so precise as I watched it along with Mummy, Joolsy and Elsie, circulating round and round time and time again. Once Joolsy was ready to sit and watch her morning television programmes Mum left her in charge of iPad duties whilst she went to wash her hair and put her make up on. Phew now George can come a calling for a cuppa! Joolsy kept the iPad on the page but to no avail, we were still in the queue. After three hours of making the iPad stay on the Adele booking page our moment finally arrived and we were asked how many tickets we wanted for our nearest venue. Mum eagerly put in three and the computer as David Walliams exclaimed said, “No!” There were no tickets left. Not even one or even a dicky bird. Then the ranting began, “What? How can this be? I got on the website at 9.06am and was in a queue from then until now. How can they have all gone?” How can one lovely, funny and talented singer cause so much ranting and so many profanities in my household? There was another shot at getting tickets on Friday morning when tickets for the same gig went on general sale. So Mum and this time Dad were on stand-by with the iPad. This time they got straight onto the Ticketmaster site where the tickets were supposed to be on sale and to their sheer horror there was none left at 9.01am! The profanities began again! Elsie and I covered our delicate ears with our paws to give us a swearing-free environment. Mum then went to Ticketmaster’s sister site and found tickets for sale on there for an over inflated price of thousands of pounds. Indeed for the three tickets my family were looking for it would have cost them £7000 that included a £900 booking fee. What sort of paper are these tickets printed on, gold and diamond encrusted? As Joolsy wanted to see "Hello" sang live she came up with a unique and novel way of getting her wish as on Friday morning Lionel Richie (the singer not Dr Savage’s eccentric ex-wife Mariam’s cat in Hollyoaks) tickets also went on sale. I know Lionel has a very different tone to his vocal range to Adele's but he did sing the words, “Hello.” first and he was totally amazing at this years Glastonbury, making him exactly what Joolsy was looking for! As Mum was still ranting an hour later Joolsy managed to complete the registration form and be ready to secure three tickets by 10am. As everyone else was still trying to get their “Hello” Adele fix Joolsy obtained tickets for Lionel right near the front of the arena. They’ll be enjoying his show and Dancing On The Ceiling next summer! As Adele announced extra dates Mum tried another two times to get concert tickets but sadly to there were none left. Adele if you read this and want to play a gig in a quintessential English village just getting in touch with me. I’m sure it will be cheaper to hire you for a private show than it is to go to one of your concerts thanks to the ticket touting companies! My rant is over now I promise but Mum’s still simmering upstairs somewhere!


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