Joolsy is all, as the song goes, “Joyful and triumphant” now Christmas 2015 is over with. Don’t worry she isn’t one of Ebenezer Scrooge’s distant relatives. Although she was thinking of the double pay she was getting when she was working Boxing Day, in a very Scrooge like manner. There was apparently a stampede on doors opening for the sales to begin! Joolsy works in retail and the common turkey is not her friend from 1 December until 27 December! I do believe Joolsy suffers some sort of post Christmas trauma from turkey orders gone by as sometimes I bring out my Terence the Turkey toy throughout the year and Joolsy visibly shakes on sight of poor Terence. He’s quite cute really and I’m trying to help Joolsy (honest) by giving her turkey exposure throughout the year thus making the mere Christmas turkey seem more palpable. That's my story and I'm stick to it. Elsie and I enjoyed Christmas so much. It started for me on Christmas Eve when my family were having the Scrabble contest to end all Scrabble contests. Joolsy who is normally so meek and mild (she told me to type that) transforms into her aggressive competitive alter ego. She’s like The Incredible Hulk only her face is more Phil Mitchell off Eastenders (bright post box red) once she’s in her game playing zone. Joolsy has been known to throw almighty strops on losing board games. On playing Chav (the council estate version of Monopoly. Not very politically correct I know but a highly entertaining board game) Joolsy gets irate at having to give her Giro payments, her sovereign ring or her alloy wheels to another player. Anyway after losing the first round at Scrabble, Joolsy threw her letters across the room in anger. Dad decided it was time for Joolsy to cool down (she nearly got sent to the naughty step I can tell you and 35 years old this does seem a bit extreme) and went off to make a brew and to crack open the mince pies that Elsie and I had sniffed out from the kitchen side earlier in the day. I followed Dad and as he opened the package one mince pie went astray and somehow ended up in my mouth, yum yum! To Dad it must have all gone in slow motion but to me the pie went down far to quickly for my liking. Dad had to forgo his mince pie (it was making its way nicely down my food pipe to my belly by this point) and had a Mars Bar instead, as I circled around the living room as they all ate in the hope that more offerings were floor bound. However this mince pie came back to haunt us all in the most unsavoury of fashions at 2.30am on Christmas morning! Yes, I had to dash to the back door and scratch, LOUDLY! No, I hadn’t spotted Santa’s sleigh or Major Tim Peake on the International Space Station (although I’m going to keep looking and waving my paw as the stars at night flash overhead in the hope of a wave back from space) this was a dash of the bowel kind and what a mess my bowels made all over the yard. I won’t go into the finer details of my every bowel movement as I know some of you maybe multitasking and eating a meal whilst reading this. I do hope it isn’t a curry! Anyway poor Mum had the task of swilling and sweeping the yard clean after I’d finished decorating it in fifty glorious shades of brown. After my poo escapades we all went back to bed until 7.00am when Santa made a quick delivery while Elsie and I had our breakfast, mine was a bowel settling bowl of rice. Santa used to deliver on Christmas Eve and leave our presents while morning, however I made a such a protest at having to leave the side of my presents that I think we are now last on his postal chimney rounds. He was very generous to Elsie and I though with the help of Mum, Dad, Joolsy and Nana of course. We got two toys each off Joolsy. One was a festive inspired toy. I got a robin and Elsie got a very loud squeaky Santa, that she has just made my ears ring with now as she’s just been running round the room with whilst I’m trying to concentrate on being funny. Our other toy was either inspired by David Attenborough’s The Hunt programme or the WWF (World Wild Fund not the buff wrestlers) had sent Joolsy another update on her monthly charitable donation. I got a penguin and Elsie got a seal. A white seal which Mum was having a near melt down on seeing as to just how white this seal actually was once it arrived and how grey it may become over the coming weeks. Well, that is what happens in the wild I guess so it will be extremely apt. Mum and Dad got us a Nyla Bone each plus a new collar. Mine I’m proudly wearing and Elsie’s is still somewhere between here and China. Paws crossed it will arrive eventually. She was too busy playing with her new wears to notice Mum putting my new collar around my neck. Nan got us some of our favourite treats for the good times when our behaviour is exemplary. Anyway we have enjoyed playing with our new toys so much and I got to fill my belly again with naughties last night when I spotted Joolsy’s Malted Milk biscuit on the low table sat next to her cup of tea. The temptation got to great and I had to have a nibble, of the whole biscuit! I’m getting quite splendid at this now. Whats more Joolsy got the blame off Dad as she was chilling and having a look at Facebook instead of chomping the biscuit, if you pardon the pun there!
It was the end of an era on Christmas Day as Downton Abbey closed its doors for the final time and fans of the show including my family were all so pleased with the ending. Gone were the car crashes, death in child birth and blood curdling scenes that Quentin Tarantino would have being proud to have in one of his blockbusters and in came happiness in its purest unadulterated form. It was bliss. Julian Fellowes obviously took note of the fact that Elsie and I would be camped outside his house (well must be mansion now for sure due to Downton’s massive success) and would’ve been ready to pounce, me teeth bearing and Elsie minus eight teeth, snarling away were he to give Lady Edith a less than satisfactory ending. This happily was not the case and although it was touch and go due to Bertie’s Mother (played by Miranda star Patricia Hodge. I kept expecting her to coo, “Such fun!” as Bertie announced his engagement) wanting her son to live an untainted life, Lady Edith married her Prince. Even Mr Barrow the sometimes pantomime baddy of the show got his happy ending to as he took over from Carson who retired to live the rest of his life on the Downton estate with the lovely Mrs (Hughes) Carson. I must let you in on a little secret here, Joolsy who is now a massive Downton convert (after not initially watching then playing catch up for the start of series three) and sniffled through the final trying to keep her eye make up at bay when she watched it on BOXING DAY as she had to go to work. Yes, folks Joolsy was more intrigued by who was going to die on Eastenders. In fact that was all she talked about throughout her turkey (she managed not to have a melt down over eating it as she did selling it) lunch. She was bitterly disappointed at having to wait until Boxing Day night to find out that it was Fat Boy who died in the car crusher. I feel a showing of The Krays coming again soon as Joolsy seems to enjoy a little gangster style drama a bit too much. I preferred the Disney style outing of Downton Abbey at Christmas, Walt would’ve been proud of the happy ever afters displayed here.
However Mr Walt Disney would not have been proud at all with Joolsy’s Disney film knowledge. On Boxing Day night ITV showed a programme entitled The Nations Favourite Disney Song. It got going and it turns out Joolsy hadn’t seen hardly any of these family films as a child. Then the recriminations at Mum and Dad started as Dumbo’s song was played, “What sort of a childhood did I have when I haven’t even seen Dumbo?” It got worse as Peter Pan’s song played out followed by Frozen. Okay so Mum and Dad can definitely stop feeling guilty about Joolsy never seeing Frozen as she was 33 years old at the time of its release. However Joolsy made them feel guilty like their Disney-less actions were tantamount to child abuse which is not the case at all. As the count down continued Dad guessed the favourite would be Let It Go from Frozen. That was number 4 and was murdered so much by Joolsy that a six year olds enjoyment maybe forever tainted and their ears would forever bleed. I know my Spaniel ears have only just stopped ringing and Elsie’s only just stopped whining, “Will she let it go!” Joolsy guessed the Circle Of Life from Lion King which again she belted out and damaged our ears with in her horrible dulcet tones. There’s no wonder she wasn’t allowed to learn the violin at school as she couldn’t do her musical scales properly. I’d like to tell her music teacher she still can’t do her musical scales properly to this day! Mum won the guessing game with the Jungle Books Bare Necessitates, which was a fabulous number one choice as it is a groovy and happy song when not sang by Joolsy of course. Now you may wonder what films Joolsy did actually watch as a child if she wasn’t watching these Disney classics. She watched Dirty Dancing every day for a whole summer. Laughing every time at the scene where Patrick Swayze touches Jennifer Grey’s bum (the simple things in life and yes she still laughs at it now) in his cabin along with her excitable neighbour. This was followed the next summer by Grease and Grease 2. Joolsy’s excitement was palpable when Maxwell Caulfield joined the cast of Emmerdale some years ago now as the ill-fated Mark Wylde (I say this as he ended up getting shot and buried by his wife Natasha after she discovered his affair). Joolsy’s childhood memories of pretending to be Michelle Pfeiffer’s character Stephanie Zinone and singing along to Cool Rider whilst perched on the end of the Chesterfield sofa acting like it was a Harley Davison all resurfaced on his arrival to the Yorkshire based soap. Other film favourites of Joolsy's growing up were The Terminator. Arnie said he’d be back and after a stint in political life as the Governor of California he kept reprising his role as now a goodie. Joolsy also watched The Poltergeist and Nightmare On Elm Street. It's no wonder she enjoyed the latest series of crime caper Luther so much. Although she now hides her eyes when the scary bits come on with her owl encased iPhone. Lastly as a child Joolsy enjoyed 9 1/2 Weeks and Sharon Stone’s naughty back catalogue of Basic Instinct and Sliver. It’s any wonder this blog isn’t dusted with smut with Joolsy at the editorial helm.
Right I better go as Elsie has already enforced a move up to Joolsy’s bedroom to type this post as she pounced excitably onto the keyboard causing me to have a Cocker Spaniel near seizure as I hadn’t saved it.