So this week my family moved into the twenty-first century. Just like the now twenty-first century Fox film studios we had to change our televisual branding. I grant you some nearly sixteen years later than they did but hey whose counting? Now Fox is not the one using Leo The Lion by the way as that is in fact MGM. What a mastermind of film factual information I am today. Yes, Leo please feel free to roar as loudly as you like, I know Mum and Joolsy sure did as we are now officially a high definition family and what a revelation in the world of make up artistry it has turned out to be. One of the first things Joolsy watched was a make up segment on This Morning by legendary Make Up Artist to all the Hollywood A listers, Bobbi Brown. Brilliant as this lady knows a thing or two about enhancing a ladies features to bring out the best of them in make up terms. Oh I sound like this is going to be another skill to add to my Spaniel repertoire. Move over Bobbi, Lisa Eldridge and Charlotte Tilbury there’s a new kid or should that be pooch in town. I will have to learn how to hold a brush and define my sweep technique with the bronzer. Maybe once I’ve trained using You Tube videos as I can’t afford to go to make up classes, I could upgrade Joolsy’s make up as she still uses same eye make up techniques she learnt from a book she got when she was at high school. Having said that her favoured liquid liner on the top lid is still extremely popular today especially with the Duchess Of Cambridge, who is clearly a fan of the feline flick. See I’ve got all my lingo down now! Joolsy’s viewing moved on an hour to Loose Women whose Make Up Artist quite frankly needs firing for crimes against blusher and bronzer. Even for my untrained Cocker Spaniel tear drop eyes there was a little too much sweep technique going on I think! This “Artist” obviously never went to The School of Bobbi Brown and I believe went to the circus for their work experience. I’ll spare the two presenters on the panel with the most enhanced blusher technique from blushing anymore, as they’d look like Ross when he had his now infamous spray tan on Friends. Simon Cowell’s stage make up on The X Factor final looked okay (if it’s ever okay for a man not involved in Strictly Come Dancing to wear spray tan) until he went up to congratulate winner Louisa Johnson and turned around to reveal some of his white bits. No, it wasn’t even down there you mucky lot! The back of his neck, you know the part where a Mother would wash on a school child ready for their inspection in class (oh that went out with the ark did it? How old fashioned do I sound with my high standards in grooming and cleanliness?) was as white as the driven snow and the front part was a decided shade of St Tropez darling!
Speaking of The X Factor final, I don’t mean to be scathing here as I’m just a mere Cocker Spaniel dog and I’m probably best leaving that up to paid TV Critics in newspapers such as The Mail On Sunday... Oh blow it here I go sharpening my critical eye! I do feel after last nights show and this series as a whole that this programme needs to go on a gap break. Like a student who flies the nest goes to Thailand and then Australia with their backpack in tow and comes back re-energised and full of hope (we are all full of hope for a better series next time around!) It was a bit like car crash telly I’m afraid. There have been technical issues on a show once so slick. Such as Olly Murs telling a contestant they were going home even though they hadn’t gone to “deadlock” yet. Then on Saturday nights first part of the final a glitch where a clip to Simon Cowell’s obvious dismay wasn’t played properly. To Joolsy and Mum’s shock Simon Cowell was clearly trying to ramp up his flagging show by announcing then contestant and soon to be winner Louisa the best thing he’d ever seen grace The X Factor stage. Hello Alexandra Burke and Leona Lewis and their pitch perfect voices not to mention now Coronation Street actor Shayne Ward who could sing any song given to him. Speaking of Hello, I better type this quietly if that can be done as Adele gave a very polished performance. However it was marred in our house by the bitter twosome sat on the sofa with Elsie and I ranting again about not being able to get tickets to see her show next year. We also said, “Goodbye” (there’s all the greetings and pleasantries in todays blog) to One Direction. The highlight of their performance was Harry Styles’s floral tribute to Mary Berry. Looking at his glorious red suit with floral pattern he’s obviously a fan of the Queen of Bakes too. Joolsy was well impressed and named him Mary’s honouree grandson. I better make it clear about the honouree part as there really would be a rumour that would get the papers gossip sections talking! Sadly though I fear The X Factor will return next summer just like all the cycling events in Yorkshire. Our area seems to be flogging cycling tournaments to death. After hosting Le Tour De France’s Grand Depart (okay this one we will let off as it is a global event) we now have The Tour Of Yorkshire to contend with next summer after an event this summer too. Joolsy is going mental already yelling, “Room 101!” No, that’s not the hotel room number where Joolsy has Chris Froome and his avid fans tied up to keep spectator numbers down. It is the popular programme hosted by Frank Skinner (singer of the second most popular football song after the English national anthem, Three Lions. The third most popular England football song being footballing legend John Barnes’s rap World In Motion for the 1990 World Cup) where a celebrity can select things they don’t like and send them to Room 101. So along with middle aged men in lycra, Joolsy would send slow tractor drivers that don’t pull over when they have a long queue forming behind them. Oh the power they yield! Oh I’m fuelled by Joolsy’s rage and I am sounding like a modern dog version of Basil Fawlty. Find me a tree branch and I’m off the bash a cyclist/or a tractor for Joolsy.
I had a minor medical emergency last week that was treated like an episode of Casualty. I was taken to the dog equivalent of Holby City Hospital, the Vets as Dad found a pea sized lump on the lower part of my back. I was rushed down not in a blue lighted ambulance but in Dad's Freelander to see the new Vet who Dad thinks looks like one of the actors from Games Of Thrones. Before Mum and Joolsy start applying their lip gloss and making up medical ailments for Elsie and I on a daily basis, I can confirm this Vet looked nothing like Jon Snow actor Kit Harrington, sorry it must have being another GOT star. Although when Dad and Joolsy took Elsie for her post tooth surgery check up they thought he looked like Peter Kay too as Dad made a joke in the reception area that he was, “Coming in their ears!” just like Peter Kay’s reference to Chorley FM. Joolsy just kept her cool and smiled otherwise the whole appointment would’ve descended into utter chaos. Anyway the Vet was extremely thorough with me and took a sample of the lump which on testing came back clear, phew! However my usually perfectly quaffed fur has a patch out of it, so I’ll stick with my usual grooming salon in future thank you very much. It reminds me of the time Joolsy tried to shave Dad’s head and the razor was bouncing off it like a balloon. Mum’s been in charge of Dad’s hair ever since the Barber’s started charging him a fiver (I wish my fur costs £40 to be styled) but when Joolsy was a child (and Dad had hair) she used to go too as they dolled out Polo Mints at the end of the hair cut and Joolsy smiled so sweetly they gave her a Polo too. Also while I was at the Vets Dad mentioned my “strange” behaviour. Such as the vacant looks I was giving them. Well, perhaps it’s the scintillating conversations you have folks. I’m sorry but I’m a high brow chap with a blog don’t you know? Then they moved onto the way I turn round again and again when deciding where to pee. Like I said I’m (a) doing a comedy turn and (b) very discerning about where in the yard or on the street I leave my scent as I only want the best lady dogs to find me! Dad suggested that I may have dementia so I’m now on medication to increase blood flow to my brain. Joolsy keeps saying I’m a Rowntrees Random. Well, Joolsy I’m not the one staring into cutlery and wanting to follow Mr Spoon off to Button Moon am I?
Lastly for today, with the new chest of drawers that my family found in a local auction house now in situ. Dad being utterly astounded to find a piece he loved so much and Joolsy being utterly astounded that Dad was so utterly astounded, she had to sit down to draw breath. It was time for the old cabinet to depart. Dad took it to the charity Essential Needs who told him they couldn’t do anything with it as mahogany was too old school for their charities needs. Oh dear Mum and Joolsy did tell him it wasn’t fashionable anymore, not even for charity it would seem! So it’s ended up in TV cabinet heaven called the local tip. So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu!