I’ve been a naughty boy and a little t-leaf thief yet again today as I’ve stolen Joolsy’s computer and I’m typing this from my cage at the doggie groomer’s whilst I’m waiting to be preened to even more perfection than usual. Hopefully Joolsy has done all her computer business and won’t be wandering around now in a daze scratching her head and screaming, “Has anyone seen my computer?” At least this time it was only her computer and not her Primrose, Mini I’ve stolen. Speaking of mine and Elsie’s joyriding exploits again (if I have to as I don’t really like talking about my criminal activities) which was all in the name of art you understand, keep having to make that clear as the Police will be circling. Now we are going to be immortalised in polymer clay, whatever next I ask you. Why not go the whole hog and get me a star on Hollywood Boulevard. I’d love that actually putting my paw prints in the clay especially once they have been groomed today that is as the clay will come off so much easier. Elsie has taken to have the muck washed off her paws in the kitchen sink after our strolls, oh the glamour! I’m a little too large for such a sink filled splashing so have to be brushed within an inch of my life instead. So Joolsy has been on a two year quest now. Off she goes upstairs (sometimes we think never to be seen again) in search of artworks to adorn her bedroom walls. There’s me thinking she was just eyeing up David Gandy in his pants for all that time. Oh no Joolsy is far more highbrow in her Internet activities than I gave her credit for. Shame on me for thinking she was lowering the tone of our wonderful village with her smutty activities. I always wondered whether that was the reason she seldom took Elsie and I out on a walk, maybe she thought everyone would know she was partial to a man in pants. Mind you she has signed her Instagram account over to me but didn’t have the heart to unfollow David Gandy, Calum Best, David Beckham and Cristiano Ronaldo. People will be talking about me next especially if I come back from the groomers today smelling of Parma Violet sweets again instead of manly Brut or Lynx! So Joolsy thought she’d been on every gallery website in the UK (she never knew there were so many artistic offerings out there) and has found some staggeringly brilliant pieces of artwork however there was always something “missing” (“The skyline isn’t right. The painting’s too big…” Her critique of modern art world went on and on and ON!) until Thursday evening when she came across Erica Sturla’s quirky clay pieces. Joolsy was just giddy in the way she gets every fortnight when Mama’s Lasagne is served up for our Saturday night tea. I say our as Elsie and I actually have drool coming out of our mouths as well as the large pool of drool coming from Joolsy’s gob too. She came bounding down the stairs like Tigger and grabbed the iPad to show the family Chelton Erica’s work and tell of her ideas for a commission. She not only wanted us doggies to be in this portrait but the whole Chelton clan. Dad pipped up, “We could be stood outside the cottage in our Hunter wellies and our Barber coats!” Oh dear that’s going to be a glamorous shot! Joolsy looked on in pure horror as she had a vision of something a little more sparkly in mind than turtle green coloured wellington boots. Dad explained, “That is how people in the village see us with the dogs!” Oh dear again! Well, it maybe how people see Mum and Dad when they are out and about in the village but “people” aren’t going to see the piece displayed in the vicinity of Joolsy’s bedroom are they? Joolsy emailed the artist and they are going to discuss the finer details of making Joolsy look fabulous in her new posh red coat with black buttons (yes Joolsy really did put that and the “make me look fabulous” line in her introductory email), as she insisted she looked later this week. Can’t wait to see us all in our clay finery in the near future.
Now I’ve been a little grumpy lately. I blame Joolsy as she keeps watching Eastenders which is enough to turn Little Miss Happy a grey shade of glum. Plus I live with Elsie who has such a chirpy disposition, well she did come from care so I guess I’ll let her off. However my handsome (even if I do say so myself) face keeps getting comments as I look a little jaded by life at times throughout my waking day! I can’t help my face can I? Joolsy says that I have SAD as the weather has turned autumnal of late but Mummy says I look like this permanently. Charming! I’m going to get Joolsy’s handbag in a minute and do an impression of Reeves and Mortimer going, “Oooohhh!” lifting the bag with my paws or be like Catherine Tate and enquire angrily, “How very dare you?” if they don’t stop these unnecessary and unkind comments about my demeanour. They keep calling me Victor after the One Foot In The Grave character Victor Meldrew. Well, Elsie suits the role as positive Margaret Victor’s long suffering wife I guess so we’ll have to go uncompromisingly with that. As long as I haven’t got one foot in the grave just yet as I’m only 7 years old and hopefully I have a good few years in me yet. Elsie does sometimes wind me up though as she is extremely playful after her walks. She steals my toys and then squeaks them in my ear which I can’t stand after a toy cracker freaked me out as a pup. Joolsy thought she was being kind in my first Christmas with the family and got me a noisy cracker but I don’t and never will like squeaky toys. With Elsie though, the louder the toy, the better. She actively seeks for the squeak to my and my ears extreme horror! It’s like Joolsy when Dad sought out Classic FM and forced her to listen, she’s just about getting over that incident now however I never get an opportunity to get over my horror as Elsie keeps grabbing the noisy toys from our toy basket. Elsie not only plays loudly with toys but goads me slightly by charging up to me like the General of an old fashioned Army. Then when I kindly and assertively tell her to bugger off she runs joyfully away trying to get me to chase her, some times I do barking along the way and other times I want to be left with my thoughts. How “deep” do I sound? I’ll be mediating next and going on a yoga retreat or to a Monastery for some peace and quiet time.
Saturday was Halloween and much to my families delight we didn’t get too many trick or treaters. I say this as Elsie and I are always in fine voice with knocks at the door (fine pair of guard dogs us two make) plus the human elements of my family enjoy tucking into the chocolates that weren’t claimed with their tea time brew. Happy days! We had some friends around so Elsie and I didn’t settle down too much. Elsie managed to escape when one gang of trick or treaters called but I think their costumes frightened her somewhat so she ran back to Mummy sharpish. We doggies did a better rendition of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” than was displayed by Jeremy Vine on Strictly Come Dancing although he was in time with the music and showed slight improvement in his dancing abilities this week I feel. Oh I’m getting all critical like Dad now, it must be catching in our household. So it’s Guy Fawkes Night this week and we are all wondering with baited breath how Elsie will be with the fireworks. I’m ready with the cotton wool at my paw tips just in case she starts barking at every bang. She doesn’t like planes flying over head, so much so that Joolsy has had to restrain from watching her all time favourite film Top Gun since Elsie’s arrival last December. I’ll let you all know how we get on next week.
I told you a few weeks back that Joolsy had bought Elsie a Shearling style flying jacket (or should that be an Only Fools And Horses Del Boy coat?) for when the full on winter chill happens as she does feel the cold more than I do with my thick fur and I said that Joolsy was going to get one too to match her puppy in the fashion stakes. I was joking but sadly Joolsy was not! She’s gone and got one and quite frankly is going to look like a prized prat marching down the street with Elsie. I’m going to need to get myself some dark glasses and a baseball cap to hide my blushing with embarrassment cheeks. As if that’s not bad enough Mum ordered a vintage Shearling coat too on the same day. It’s a fashion nut house that I live in with the female element wanting to look like used car sales women! Reckon they should give the Veterinary practice a good giggle next time Elsie has her Epifen blood test done by all wearing them together. Dad and I will be at home hiding behind the sofa in shame! Right it’s shampoo and set time for me so bye for now.