Joolsy’s been on holiday from work last week but now she faces her final curtain and yes she did it her way! Ah there’s nothing like a bit of old blue eyes himself Mr Frank Sinatra to set your day off with a bang. My jazz paws are in full swing now. Don’t worry folks the Grim Repear isn’t coming a knocking on our front door. What I meant was she’s facing going back to work tomorrow. I was playing for dramatic effect there, being all creative with my words and trying out my pantomime/Eastenders “duff duff” moment. Joolsy’s done her Christmas shopping and while her and Mum were out Elsie doesn’t know just how much of a near miss with a fire engine she really & nearly had. They were wandering around the departments of TK Maxx and spotted a fire engine costume. No not for a child to wear at their parents fancy dress party, for a dog! Yes, Elsie Bear that dog as they say on The National Lottery Live programme every Saturday night straight after Casualty (I do hope the BBC are paying me for this primetime programme plug. Perhaps I could release the balls (not that type you smutty lot) on the show one evening. I’ll speak to my Agent to get the negotiation ball rolling. Another pun there, I’m on a ball roll here today folks.) “It could be you!” Luck as it would have it for my fashion enduring Yorkshire Terrier pal was on Elsie’s side last Wednesday lunchtime. Sadly for all concerned TK Maxx’s buying team had not being doing their jobs properly and had failed to have a M for medium in stock. The size they did have in would’ve fitted a Saint Bernard or a Shetland pony so Elsie’s dignity at least for this week is in tact and Elsie I’m sure will have her way by banning Joolsy from typing “FIRE ENGINE DOGS COSTUME” into Google. The things we dogs have to do to spare our blushes. Who put this image on here?

Dad asked Joolsy to get him some CD’s for Christmas. Yes, those round discs with music etched into their souls do still exist in Dad’s old school world. Mind you he thinks that having a shut up TV cabinet is the height of fashion. To everyone else they were circa 1989. He likes to, “Close the TV away when we’re done watching it!” Mum and Joolsy are trying with all their might to get Dad to get a new Smart TV for Christmas. Whatever happened to good will to all men and peace on earth for a Christmas wish? It’s all Black Friday this and Cyber Monday that and my family are disgracefully falling into the trappings of it all. As long as I get some turkey in my belly, I’m a happy Cocker Spaniel. Joolsy in her HD telly anguish even came up with the line, “Lord Grantham got a wireless radio and Mrs Patmore got a fridge in Downton. They had to move with the times!” Now as I mentioned Dad had asked for CD’s and I believe in revenge for Joolsy’s mocking of his traditional values about the fact that we can only have a new TV if it fits into our 27 inch cabinet (it’s classed as a monitor folks, Matthew in John Lewis told an upset Mum and Joolsy so). He’s asked for these CD’s to be all John Barrie ones. Now that’s the worst retaliation ever to Joolsy’s eardrums. From Zulu to the Dance With Wolves soundtrack in one fell swoop. Oh dear car journey’s with Dad for Joolsy are not going to be pleasant. Dad likes in Police terms to “make progress!” I heard it on Police Camera Action and is just a laymen terms way to explain driving fast. Twenty la la years ago Dad used to drive a Peugeot 205 GTI. The wannabe Jeremy Clarkson’s amongst you will know that these were motors for the speed demons of the road. Dad used to pick Joolsy up from school in his chariot and everyone used to ask if he was Joolsy’s boyfriend. Great for Dad’s ego but not so for Joolsy’s ever embarrassed and deflating one. Anyway Dad still thinks he owns his GTI even though nowadays he drives a Freelander 2. Not the same street credibility there sorry Dad but I being a joyriding pooch do to quote Top Gun, “Feel the need, the need for speed!” I’ll always get excited about a car ride with you, John Barrie music ringing in my ears or not, especially to the beach for fish n chips, yummy!

The family went to watch the street dance troop Diversity last night. Now you know I’m partial to a little ballroom dancing with Dad whilst Strictly Come Dancing is on the monitor sorry television and I’m fantastic in hold and my head positioning is coming on a treat as the series is moving on. However I draw the line at being thrown around the living room like a rag doll and nearly cracking my head on the light fitting as I fly. I’ll leave believing I can fly up to R. Kelly thank you very much. Now Elsie on the other paw throws herself around like an aspiring dance star. She’s on the sofa, off the sofa and skipping and gliding around the kitchen when the mere mention of food is announced. Joolsy would’ve tried smuggling her in and allowed her to flash a paw in Ashley Banjo’s direction had it not been announced that bag checks were going to take place at the venue. Oh well Else’s street dancing career’s over before it began. We sadly missed the results of Strictly Come Dancing too as we have the radio and our beds in the kitchen for company as we can’t go in the living room thanks to our weeing misdemeanours earlier this year. Diversity I’m told were excellent, their dance moves would get a “10” from any of the Strictly judging panel. However it was the pre-show entertainment that was a highlight of the night for my odd family. Everyone was sat ready for the show to begin when staff at the venue asked everyone in Block A to move from their seats into the nearby aisles. At first Joolsy thought Diversity were going to spring from a trap door from under the seats. A little far fetched but certainly a way to make a show starting entrance (Joolsy will be wanting copyright if ever Ashley Banjo crafts that move into any upcoming productions). Then BBC spy drama Spooks sprang to Joolsy’s mind as the seats were now being looked at by staff. Someone call Harry Pearce as Joolsy didn’t feel they were searching the seats properly. In fact they seemed to be just moving the rows of seats forward and backwards in inch by inch movements. Then as if by magic the revellers were allowed to return to their newly positioned seats. Forget Harry Pearce I think someone needs to call The Speakman’s to look at the Manager’s seating OCD issues as I bet Diversity were waiting in the wings wondering what on earth was going on.

Elsie was a little unsettled last night as her usual evening routine of having her dinner and then laying on Joolsy’s lap until Mum came in with wine (for Mum not Elsie) and then moving to her favoured cushion until Joolsy was tucked up in bed had been ruined. So Elsie was in full on disturb the whole house mode and eventually ended up in Mum and Dad’s room to give us all a little peace. As well as this Elsie tried in stealth like vain to steal Joolsy’s Malted Milk biscuit from her hand whilst she was putting a recorded episode of The Graham Norton Show onto the monitor. Now this isn’t the first time our Elsie has been opportunistic in her quest for food. One time a piece of left over cheesecake slipped from the plate and Elsie was in like a pride of lions feeding on their captured prey. Mind you the families dogs gone by have had form for feeding as Wesley the Weimaraner nicked a load of garlic bread from a plate in our Grandparents then back yard. Now I’m sure someone funnier than me could come up with a comedy sketch regarding cheesecake and garlic bread!

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