Monday, 5 October 2015

INCIDENTS OF THE CAR AND DOG KIND




Well, I’m back and no not from out of space. I’ve taken full control of Joolsy’s keyboard once more after last weeks trip to the vets (or should that be the pub if you believe that little madam Elsie). All her talk of me drinking gin. As if, I’m more of a pint of lager, beer or Guinness sort of guy with a packet of pork scratchings thrown in for good measures or I have been known to nearly get my nose stuck like a pig in a trough in a tube of Sour Cream and Onion Pringles, oh and I nearly attacked my Mummy (not brutally you understand, I don’t want to be up on GBH charges) over a pack of cheesy balls, they are scrumptious though in my defence. Hang on a second I can hear Elsie piping up now saying, “What about the red wine I sipped the other night?” Oh okay maybe I’m partial to a fine glass of Merlot too but don’t tell anyone that as I’ve got a manly reputation to up hold here. I hope Elsie didn’t tell you too many tales about me last week as I know she’s a cheeky one hence her wine or should that be whining interruption there. As for any hangovers, I came out of the vets feeling as bright as a shiny button. I don’t know why Elsie makes such a fuss about having a tooth and her face cut open, big baby! At least she didn’t have a tube stuck up her privates and still have the strength (okay acting abilities) not to walk like John Wayne (Bobbitt or otherwise. Okay bad form there!) after a hard days riding round on Neddy the horse. We haven’t heard anything to report from the vets yet so we are all hoping no news is good news. That’s what they say in all these TV medical dramas that Joolsy watches, setting Elsie off into a near frenzy every time the monitor goes PING! She asked me if I would join in with her barking, I gave her a highly unamused look and have decided that I’ll still save my frenzied craziness for the postwoman who has cooed at me through the letterbox since she started doing her rounds here in the village. Mind you at first she said I was, “Pretty” (word must have got around the village about my Merlot drinking antics) but Joolsy set her straight and now I’m a “handsome fine BOY!” phew!
We had a whole lot of drama on Tuesday evening when Joolsy was watching Holby City. See she’s slightly obsessed with medical dramas, never mind the fact that she used to work in a hospital until her life actually turned into an ER style nightmare of events minus George Clooney! Anyway we heard a loud bang from outside and when Mummy pulled back the curtains Primrose was flashing and I don’t mean using a beige Macintosh coat! Primrose the Mini who had been parked neatly by Joolsy earlier in the evening had been hit from behind. No, it wasn’t a Top Gun style rocket but a Vauxhall Corsa that had run into the back of her without a child, cat or Dancing On Ice arena to skid on in sight. May I just add that Elsie and I in our dark Stevie Wonder glasses weren’t involved in the damage to Primrose. Our joyriding incident was for artistic purposes, We were both laid in the living room on the sofas in full view of the family, just wanted to make that clear. Anyway Daddy, Joolsy and Elsie Bear (she’s like Miss Marple of the Yorkshire Terrier world that one) went to investigate and Dad took the driver's details. I can’t say much more as it’s the hands of Joolsy’s insurance company and I’m in enough trouble with Madonna and Cara Delevingne’s legal representatives for slander, so better not say anything about the silly ********** who ran into Primrose! Joolsy’s car will be going to be repaired tomorrow. It reminds me another tow truck tale that Joolsy tells of about her old Renault Clio and its radiator over heating. Joolsy was once the party animal of our local town and she had taken her car out on this particular night with it’s somewhat dodgy radiator ticking red on the dashboard. She had put water in it before she left home, then when she got to her friends house she added some more to keep it cool. They managed to have their fun night out and fancied an after-midnight snack from a garage in town. Joolsy decided to put some more water in the radiator before driving her friend then herself home. The car however was having other ideas and spat the lid off the radiator cover and this ended up down the drain. Had Frank Spencer shown up at the garage at that moment or what? Joolsy’s friend was screaming, “It’s going to blow up!” This was like a red rag to a bull on a petrol station’s forecourt as obviously petrol and flames aren’t such a hot (pardon the pun) idea. Joolsy managed to calm her friend and everyone filling up their cars with petrol down and rang for the car to be recovered. After dropping her friend home Joolsy arrived along with her motor at 5.30am, may add with the yellow flashing lights of the tow truck going at full lit blast. Joolsy knew how to make an entrance, even into the street, in those days. Another average night out for Joolsy and her pal! The best bit of the story though was Joolsy had been out with the same friend a week prior to this and they had got lost driving out of a slightly shall we say salubrious area, a trouble spot for after clubbing punch-ups. Her friend was freaking out about breaking down in the middle of nowhere (some stories about ghosts and goblins followed from her friends vivid imagination, yes alcohol was involved on Joolsy’s friends part) as they were running low on petrol. Anyway Joolsy eventually managed to find a garage in the nick of time and fortunately no person, ghost or goblin was injured in the making of this story 
Mummy and Daddy were out on Saturday night but Joolsy, Elsie and I had to endure... sorry watch the rugby from behind a cushion. Sixteen days after England kicked off the World Cup and held the hopes of a rugby loving nation in their hands, the dream was over. Joolsy was in no mood for messing after England’s defeat to Australia so Elsie cheered her up by running out into the yard when prompted and weeing (an act that she wouldn’t do without Mummy’s usual encouragement for Joolsy while my parents were away) and I got off the sofa without a mere grumble which is a miracle when I get comfy and settled in for the night. I sound like a right old man don’t I? Now where’s my tartan rug to warm my paws on this wet October afternoon? The only enjoyment on Saturday night now England are out the tournament is Strictly Come Dancing. I love it as once the series progresses Dad starts thinking he is in fact the fifth judge on the panel and then starts picking me up and twirling me around to show the audience (Joolsy, Mummy and now Elsie that is) how it’s supposed to be done in the dancing world. I enjoy it though and cling on for dear life as Dad tries in vain or should that be pain at my weight to put me down. Who says there can’t be same sex couples in Strictly eh Dad?
Joolsy went out for tea with her friend the other evening and for the second time last week came back smelling of not only new perfume but other dogs! Elsie and I are horrified at Joolsy’s insubordination and cheek at fussing other dogs, how very dare she? She had not only been fussing and cooing at her friend’s dogs but walking the two Yorkies as well and they had caused an international sized incident by all accounts. Apparently Oscar and Barney were more than a little bit partial to the lady charms of Jess, Joolsy friends lovely dog and were trying to show her they are suitable suitors for Jess’s affections. Her friend’s other dog was scared of the amorous pair and tried to hot foot it out of the field with Joolsy’s friend in hot pursuit. Button was okay once found hid in the bushes and calmed down and Joolsy and her friend decided to abandon the walk and go back to the safety of her friend’s office. Joolsy was just glad Elsie wasn’t there as she would have had a field day barking at all those other dogs. Although Jess and Button would have been safe as no dog would want to come near a snarling Elsie. Right folks that’s your lot for this week, I’ll be back with more tales to tell next week.










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