Monday, 19 October 2015

BRAND MARBLE'S SHOCKERS!

So I must start this weeks blog posting with the ever so shocking episode of Downton Abbey last night. In this sedate series so far we’ve seen Mr Carson marrying Mrs Hughes, then they couldn’t decide whether they wanted to upset the people at the Abbey by calling her Mrs Carson, so stuck with Mrs Hughes for continuity reasons, “Phew wee!” the upstairs and downstairs groups all cheered. There’s been Lady Edith’s blossoming romance and Lady Mary’s constant dates with suitors who turn out not to be so suitable or agreeable to her at all. So until last night all has been rolling along nicely with an excellent script and as always perfectly delivered cutting lines from Dame Maggie Smith, then came this shocker! I know ITV gave a warning before and then on the middle advertisement break of the programme. This warning of what was about to occur around the Grantham’s dining table wouldn’t have been any less shocking if Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt had said something, followed by David Cameron, followed then by The Queen and lastly by President Obama making an announcement. It was like writer Julian Fellowes had had one Sherry too many then watched Alien or Quentin Tarantino’s full back catalogue of films for a little inspiration on how to vamp up (think blood here people, blood!) Downton. I half expected John Travolta and Uma Thurman to have been booked for the mid-scene/mid-dinner entertainment jiving around flashing their hands in front of their eyes. Or if John and Uma weren’t available due to their busy Hollywood filming schedules they could have booked Jay and Aliona after their Pulp Fiction dancing rendition on Strictly Come Dancing a few weeks back (They should have scored more than one ten though for that routine, shame on the Judge’s!) Anyway following Lord Grantham’s blood coughing shall we put it mildly here… turn (and in front of Dame Maggie as well, you’d have thought he’d have tried to make it to the hallway wouldn’t you?!) we saw actor Hugh Bonneville doing an appeal for the charity Water Aid. Were the advertiser’s playing for black comedic effect here or what? Elsie and I certainly ran to our water bowl in the kitchen for a quick lap of the good stuff and Mum and Dad swigged down their wine as if it was going out of fashion after that now infamous blood curdling scene. However Dad regrets his choice of Claret wine whilst watching that episode!
So the next instalment of the Bond franchise is out this week, Spectre. Joolsy and Mummy are looking forward to seeing if Daniel Craig’s shorts will be making a reappearance (for purely storyline purposes of course they’re hoping for lots of beach scenes) and Daddy is looking forward to Ralph Fiennes taking over the role of M fully in this film. Ralph is Dad’s man crush (bugger I’m going to be in BIG trouble now for announcing his Fondant Fancy of Fondness on here). I even think he could /should actually be the President of The Ralph Fiennes Appreciation Society. Yes, Mum knows of his admiration for the Schindler’s List star and she takes it all in her stride, thank goodness! If I’m correct this is the final time Daniel Craig will be playing the role of super spy James Bond. He’s said in an interview that he’d rather put his hand through a glass table than play Bond again. These actors do love to over egg the pudding slightly don’t they? Saying he’d rather give himself a paper cut would’ve sufficed. Idris Elba gets Joolsy’s vote to play the role next as she thinks he’s a great actor and he loves driving fast cars as displayed in his documentary Idris Elba, King Of Speed which was shown on BBC2 a few Christmas’s ago now. Also Idris is a D.J. so that skill would be cool to add to Bond’s repertoire. Oh yes and he does break dancing too, making that a triple whammy. The training Bond has been given over the years must be amazing. Wonder if MI5’s training is actually as comprehensive in real life? He just knows how every computer system works, how to fly planes and drive tanks. Joolsy could’ve done with some of his knowledge when Primrose was returned with an exterior warning light flashing up on the dashboard every time she fired her car up. Unlike Bond she had to download the Mini users guide off the Internet. I think her spy training needs slightly more work when she doesn’t even know how her own car works! Anyway Dad has just fixed the loose connection this morning and Primrose is now fully ready for Joolsy to drive, hopefully not in Bond/Lewis Hamilton style! Now if the Bond franchise ever wanted to go in a different direction I think James could have a dog (cue bond music  in the background as I type for dramatic effect) who is suave, sophisticated, debonair and following my wasp attack the other month does his own stunts. I propose myself for this role along with my very own Bond Girl, Elsie. Now I think Elsie could actually be Marble Bond’s Achilles heel in this movie as she looks all cute but then could turn out to be bad to the bone, a la Eva Green’s character Vesper Lynd in Casino Royale. Also she has her scar face going on at the moment too which gives her that bad girl charm. I don’t think she’d make Jaws’s doggie daughter though as she’s already minus eight teeth and counting! Now I just need to find out who’s replacing Sam Mendes in directing the next 007 film and pitch my idea to them. ”The name’s Bond Marble Bond!” Oh I love it! It has an amazing ring to it!
So Joolsy has been trying to promote Brand Marble (getting me in a Bond film should do the trick… Just saying!) and in one week of reopening my Twitter account I’ve gone from 7 followers to 73. Oh I like the way I work it baby! Joolsy, bless her, only has 54 followers and she’s been on there nearly a year. Not that she’s bitter and twisted about it too much, she just keeps trying to dognap me and take me for a sinister little drive in Primrose, think Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels here people! Well, some of us obviously just have it Joolsy. She’s promoting me like a business on Facebook too and I’ve had some wonderful comments about how hilarious this blog is. Better have my “funniness glasses” on for the read through at the end of typing this and be ready to add a bit more humorous sparkle to the proceedings. Speaking of business studies, the new series of The Apprentice started on Wednesday evening. So we’ve gone from the niceties of the Bake Off Tent where everyone helps each other along if their cake isn’t rising to Mary and Paul’s liking to this cut throat, dog eat dog show in one foul Wednesday swoop! Joolsy who used to work in the conference and banqueting industry, granted when the humble fax machine was the first port of call in promoting the hotel where she worked assets, is like an audience member at a gladiatorial battle. She’s shouting at the TV screen and waving her fists as the candidates are bumbling around in their clone looking corporate outfits trying to look like they're the real deal of the business world. Claude Littner has replaced Nick Hewer as Lord Sugar’s aid now and Baroness Brady or should that be, “Just call me Karren.” is back. I notice how Lord Sugar doesn’t say, “Just call me Al.” Maybe once they are on the inner sanctum perhaps! Now Claude’s smile is a sight more frightening than any Halloween mask, it’s certainly making me quiver in my fur. This is the man who in the past has single handedly demolished candidates CV’s at the interview stage of the process like a two year old child playing Jenga for the first time or should that be Adam West’s television version of Batman? KERPOW! Anyway this series looks set to deliver more plonkers trying to get Lord Sugar to part with £250k. Didn’t anyone tell these ego maniacs that they could’ve made some money and acquired a Dragon or two on Dragons’ Den? However they all seem to want their 13 weeks of fame instead of 15 minutes (depending on the Dragons’ Den editing team) then it’s off to Celebrity Big Brother house once they’ve got the taste of the Z list highlife. To boost their businesses of course! Right I’m off to be photographed so Joolsy can put my images up on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and wherever else might gain me a few more followers. Did someone say The Apprentice were looking for candidates for next years series? 














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