CHICKEN DENTAL HORRORS!

So this week is Halloween and Joolsy has turned all Arlene Phillips and has been barking out dance move orders at Elsie and I to the tunes of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” and Kernkraft 400’s “Zombie Nation”. Elsie is very good at the Thriller move of standing on her hind legs and swaying her front paws, especially when we are on our walks when she sees other dogs proceeding towards her and she’s added her own actions into the choreography too with the mouth moving ten to the dozen! She really is a Thriller all right! Joolsy has a friend who every time they went out partying back in the day (Joolsy’s more excited by soap operas these days but more of that in a minute!) would run over to the DJ booth and demand they played Zombie Nation. Around Halloween you could expect it to be on the playlist however she demanded it in all four of the weather seasons. I guess you could say it was her anthem, oh dear what a song to pick! Mine would have to be Baha Men’s puppy classic “Who Let The Dogs Out?” What a tune! Having said that I am partial to Kasabian’s “I’m On Fire” as whenever Dad does his Iron Man training (he saw it on Home and Away and Baywatch many moons ago now and thought a resoundingly challenged YES!) sorry meant light weight training there, he picks me up and then as the music builds up to the triumphant chorus he starts bouncing me around like he’s doing the song, “The farmers horse goes gallop gallop GALLOP!’ Ah a family favourite with Joolsy and all her cousins growing up. I love dancing not like my Dad but with my Dad as I’ve mentioned before in a previous blog. Mind you Joolsy isn’t afraid of doing things at the wrong time of the year either especially where Halloween is concerned. When she was a child Joolsy and her next door neighbour and very much partner in crime used to go trick or treating in the summer holidays, in fact in any of her school holidays, at any time of the year! They were so amazing at it though and always came home with either a Kit Kat, a Breakaway biscuit or a Club. I wish I’d been around in Joolsy’s entrepreneurial days, it would have been quite good for my belly as I like a lot of chocolate on my biscuit so would’ve joined Joolsy’s Club! Bum bum a bit of old school advertising thrown into the mix there! The picture featured today is of me doing my Halloween pose ready for Saturday, Elsie’s ready for the children of the night calling with her scar of her cheek and her fully trained barking.
Joolsy was at the Dentist last Wednesday and before she went she went on and on for what seemed like an eternity about the last time she had a filling which was before she was ten (when she was happy, rolling my eyes here while typing this… “Bless!”). Joolsy recalled screaming the previous dentists surgery down in pain and then said how everyone looked at her in sheer horror as she walked down the stairs clutching her jawline. Mum and Dad looked at her bemused which only fuelled Joolsy’s questioning of, “You really don’t remember it?” Then she looked bemused herself as she said, “Well maybe it didn’t really happen!” Anyway Mum dropped Joolsy off at the dentist and went to look around some local shops nearby, as she didn’t want to be associated with Joolsy should the story be true and Joolsy screamed this practice down too. Sensible lady my Mother! Joolsy went in to find the Dentist and the Receptionist sat at the desk, she warned them she was nervous and told them the story, the Dentist replied, “You’ll be fine.” and the Receptionist poked, “How old are you now?” looking on the computer at Joolsy’s details as she said it. Joolsy chuckled and said, “35 going on 5!” So the procedure began with a little gum numbing gel being rubbed on Joolsy’s gums then followed the bit Joolsy had been dreading for the past two weeks (she’d told everyone she was going for her filling replacement like she was getting a badge of honour) the INJECTIONS which straight afterwards Joolsy almost disappointedly asked, “Is that it?” The Dentist said, “Yes that’s the painful bit over with now.” Joolsy responded, “That was ace!” She’s a nutter our Joolsy. After a quick scale and polish especially in the upper back right hand corner which the Dentist always mentions as a weak spot in Joolsy’s brushing technique (may I recommend some fabulous denture sticks from all good pet stores?), it was on to the main event! I’m making it sound like a world championship boxing match here aren’t I? Yes, replacing of the filling! So the drilling began. The Dentist started slowly, checking if Joolsy was okay to keep going. Joolsy excitedly gave the Dentist the thumbs up grinning like a Cheshire Cat. After drilling the hole and filling it again with a lovely white filling the Dentist put a vibrating implement in Joolsy’s mouth and said, “You’ll like this part I promise!” Wow wee Joolsy loved it however she did wonder how the Dentist knew she would. Obviously word of Joolsy’s antics in the past had spread far and wide and indeed to the dental surgery. My oh my what a reputation! Once the Dentist had done Joolsy came out to the waiting room where Mum was now waiting and looking shocked by all the laughing instead of screaming that she could hear coming from the room. Joolsy said, “That was amazingly fun and didn’t hurt a bit. It’s the most fun I’ve had since going for my flu jab!” This girl makes friends and really does have fun wherever she goes, however I do think if she calls filling replacements and flu jabs fun she needs to get out more! Joolsy looked like she’d had some cosmetic fillers like they have on The Real Housewives Of Cheshire for a few hours after her treatment. When Joolsy asked Mum if they could go look around one of her favourite art galleries Mum replied, “I’m not going anywhere with you looking like you’ve had Botox injections on one side of your face!” They came home straight after instead.
As Joolsy had been for her dental treatment Dad thought he’d go get her a “treat” from a culinary shop in town. Now I’ve told you about Joolsy’s cooking skills before but Daddy’s selections are legendary but in the most rubbish and chicken filled ways. Now you know I’m a doggy who likes my chicken but Dad just will hunt out chicken in a food shop like he’s some sort of heat seeking missile! This time he came back and said grinning with delight, “I’ve got you a chicken and mash pie from the kids range!” Okay Joolsy thought it might be like a little Marks and Spencers chicken pie (Joolsy loves them hint hint for next time!) but oh no it was like a Shepherds’s Pie with chicken in it and sweet potato not even proper mash and when he said it was for children we think it was actually designed for tiny tot babies as it looked like puree! Joolsy took one look and just went, “I’ll have toast!” Dad’s “selection” for Mum wasn’t much better however at least he didn’t go for the all round winning combination that he seems to fall back on which is chicken in any sort of mustard he can find! He even bought a chicken book at one point which has mysteriously disappeared from the kitchen shelf. Elsie and I are under strict instructions not to say who moved it or we won’t get any Mama’s Lasagne next time it’s on offer!
Speaking of Joolsy and getting out more, as I mentioned earlier she’s being undecidedly excited about soap plot lines this past week as Hollyoaks and Emmerdale have both had big reveals. Hollyoaks revealed Lindsay as the Glove Handed Killer. Joolsy had worked that one out already basically because she was the most “normal” out of all the suspects. Good call Joolsy or should that really be Miss Marple here or as one of Joolsy’s colleagues calls her Juliet Bravo? Yes, most people just have affairs with their fianc├ęs brother’s (oh Lindsay already did that… right!) but this girl went around just randomly killing people in her work as a Doctor. Thank goodness Elsie and I go to the very lovely veterinary practice for any treatment we require as medical people might get ideas watching this Chester based mayhem! Also Emmerdale had the build up of a big reveal as to who shot Robert but Joolsy and her soap enjoying friends thought having Ross Barton be the shooter was a bit of a damp squib. Oh the drama!
Joolsy has blonde moments sometimes and she’s had two quite recently. It must be helping me writing this that’s frazzling her brain cells somewhat. The first one was when her and Mum went to visit Nana and there was a TV and an electric cooker outside Nana’s neighbours house waiting for the Rag and Bone Man to take. Joolsy looked at them and because it was raining said all concerned, “They won’t be any good as it’s raining and it will bugger the electrics up so much they won’t work anymore!” Mum told Joolsy that they use them for parts and told her to go find some brain cells whilst she was using Nana’s toilet! Then this morning Joolsy went to the doctor’s to collect her medication after her and Mum had been shopping. Joolsy noticed a sign outside the doctor’s surgery which said, “Please ring for assistance.” She quoted it back to Mum and asked, “Why would you ring? Is it for security reasons?” Oh dear Joolsy! Mum being the fountain of all logical knowledge explained it was for people with mobility issues. Another clanger eh Joolsy?
Right this is me pawing off until next week. Thanks for reading. 












BRAND MARBLE'S SHOCKERS!

So I must start this weeks blog posting with the ever so shocking episode of Downton Abbey last night. In this sedate series so far we’ve seen Mr Carson marrying Mrs Hughes, then they couldn’t decide whether they wanted to upset the people at the Abbey by calling her Mrs Carson, so stuck with Mrs Hughes for continuity reasons, “Phew wee!” the upstairs and downstairs groups all cheered. There’s been Lady Edith’s blossoming romance and Lady Mary’s constant dates with suitors who turn out not to be so suitable or agreeable to her at all. So until last night all has been rolling along nicely with an excellent script and as always perfectly delivered cutting lines from Dame Maggie Smith, then came this shocker! I know ITV gave a warning before and then on the middle advertisement break of the programme. This warning of what was about to occur around the Grantham’s dining table wouldn’t have been any less shocking if Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt had said something, followed by David Cameron, followed then by The Queen and lastly by President Obama making an announcement. It was like writer Julian Fellowes had had one Sherry too many then watched Alien or Quentin Tarantino’s full back catalogue of films for a little inspiration on how to vamp up (think blood here people, blood!) Downton. I half expected John Travolta and Uma Thurman to have been booked for the mid-scene/mid-dinner entertainment jiving around flashing their hands in front of their eyes. Or if John and Uma weren’t available due to their busy Hollywood filming schedules they could have booked Jay and Aliona after their Pulp Fiction dancing rendition on Strictly Come Dancing a few weeks back (They should have scored more than one ten though for that routine, shame on the Judge’s!) Anyway following Lord Grantham’s blood coughing shall we put it mildly here… turn (and in front of Dame Maggie as well, you’d have thought he’d have tried to make it to the hallway wouldn’t you?!) we saw actor Hugh Bonneville doing an appeal for the charity Water Aid. Were the advertiser’s playing for black comedic effect here or what? Elsie and I certainly ran to our water bowl in the kitchen for a quick lap of the good stuff and Mum and Dad swigged down their wine as if it was going out of fashion after that now infamous blood curdling scene. However Dad regrets his choice of Claret wine whilst watching that episode!
So the next instalment of the Bond franchise is out this week, Spectre. Joolsy and Mummy are looking forward to seeing if Daniel Craig’s shorts will be making a reappearance (for purely storyline purposes of course they’re hoping for lots of beach scenes) and Daddy is looking forward to Ralph Fiennes taking over the role of M fully in this film. Ralph is Dad’s man crush (bugger I’m going to be in BIG trouble now for announcing his Fondant Fancy of Fondness on here). I even think he could /should actually be the President of The Ralph Fiennes Appreciation Society. Yes, Mum knows of his admiration for the Schindler’s List star and she takes it all in her stride, thank goodness! If I’m correct this is the final time Daniel Craig will be playing the role of super spy James Bond. He’s said in an interview that he’d rather put his hand through a glass table than play Bond again. These actors do love to over egg the pudding slightly don’t they? Saying he’d rather give himself a paper cut would’ve sufficed. Idris Elba gets Joolsy’s vote to play the role next as she thinks he’s a great actor and he loves driving fast cars as displayed in his documentary Idris Elba, King Of Speed which was shown on BBC2 a few Christmas’s ago now. Also Idris is a D.J. so that skill would be cool to add to Bond’s repertoire. Oh yes and he does break dancing too, making that a triple whammy. The training Bond has been given over the years must be amazing. Wonder if MI5’s training is actually as comprehensive in real life? He just knows how every computer system works, how to fly planes and drive tanks. Joolsy could’ve done with some of his knowledge when Primrose was returned with an exterior warning light flashing up on the dashboard every time she fired her car up. Unlike Bond she had to download the Mini users guide off the Internet. I think her spy training needs slightly more work when she doesn’t even know how her own car works! Anyway Dad has just fixed the loose connection this morning and Primrose is now fully ready for Joolsy to drive, hopefully not in Bond/Lewis Hamilton style! Now if the Bond franchise ever wanted to go in a different direction I think James could have a dog (cue bond music  in the background as I type for dramatic effect) who is suave, sophisticated, debonair and following my wasp attack the other month does his own stunts. I propose myself for this role along with my very own Bond Girl, Elsie. Now I think Elsie could actually be Marble Bond’s Achilles heel in this movie as she looks all cute but then could turn out to be bad to the bone, a la Eva Green’s character Vesper Lynd in Casino Royale. Also she has her scar face going on at the moment too which gives her that bad girl charm. I don’t think she’d make Jaws’s doggie daughter though as she’s already minus eight teeth and counting! Now I just need to find out who’s replacing Sam Mendes in directing the next 007 film and pitch my idea to them. ”The name’s Bond Marble Bond!” Oh I love it! It has an amazing ring to it!
So Joolsy has been trying to promote Brand Marble (getting me in a Bond film should do the trick… Just saying!) and in one week of reopening my Twitter account I’ve gone from 7 followers to 73. Oh I like the way I work it baby! Joolsy, bless her, only has 54 followers and she’s been on there nearly a year. Not that she’s bitter and twisted about it too much, she just keeps trying to dognap me and take me for a sinister little drive in Primrose, think Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels here people! Well, some of us obviously just have it Joolsy. She’s promoting me like a business on Facebook too and I’ve had some wonderful comments about how hilarious this blog is. Better have my “funniness glasses” on for the read through at the end of typing this and be ready to add a bit more humorous sparkle to the proceedings. Speaking of business studies, the new series of The Apprentice started on Wednesday evening. So we’ve gone from the niceties of the Bake Off Tent where everyone helps each other along if their cake isn’t rising to Mary and Paul’s liking to this cut throat, dog eat dog show in one foul Wednesday swoop! Joolsy who used to work in the conference and banqueting industry, granted when the humble fax machine was the first port of call in promoting the hotel where she worked assets, is like an audience member at a gladiatorial battle. She’s shouting at the TV screen and waving her fists as the candidates are bumbling around in their clone looking corporate outfits trying to look like they're the real deal of the business world. Claude Littner has replaced Nick Hewer as Lord Sugar’s aid now and Baroness Brady or should that be, “Just call me Karren.” is back. I notice how Lord Sugar doesn’t say, “Just call me Al.” Maybe once they are on the inner sanctum perhaps! Now Claude’s smile is a sight more frightening than any Halloween mask, it’s certainly making me quiver in my fur. This is the man who in the past has single handedly demolished candidates CV’s at the interview stage of the process like a two year old child playing Jenga for the first time or should that be Adam West’s television version of Batman? KERPOW! Anyway this series looks set to deliver more plonkers trying to get Lord Sugar to part with £250k. Didn’t anyone tell these ego maniacs that they could’ve made some money and acquired a Dragon or two on Dragons’ Den? However they all seem to want their 13 weeks of fame instead of 15 minutes (depending on the Dragons’ Den editing team) then it’s off to Celebrity Big Brother house once they’ve got the taste of the Z list highlife. To boost their businesses of course! Right I’m off to be photographed so Joolsy can put my images up on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and wherever else might gain me a few more followers. Did someone say The Apprentice were looking for candidates for next years series? 














LIFTS

So you would’ve thought after Joolsy’s car smash disaster the Tuesday before last that this Tuesday would be slightly quieter on the drama front. Oh no Joolsy had a work related incident that happens to most people only once in a life time. This disaster has happened to poor Joolsy before. Sorry I’m building the tension here for dramatic effect…. Joolsy got stuck in the lift AGAIN at work!!!This time she had had her afternoon break and was making her way back to her department, so she was fine for all the necessary toilet trips that she does on her breaks and she’d had a drink of water as rehydration as we all know is important for a persons wellbeing. Not only for people but doggies too as I know that the amount of water I drink after my morning walk. So the lift doors shut and the red “1” light was flashing so Joolsy pressed the green “G” light to go down this too started flashing as the door engaged shut and then the lift didn’t move, not even one inch! Joolsy pressed the button to try and make the doors open and they did move, only an inch, oh dear! After trying this manoeuvre again twice more (she isn’t too quick on the uptake you see) Joolsy realised she needed to press the alarm button. Last time she was stuck Joolsy pressed this button and a manic person was almost singing to Joolsy the numbers from one to five with a bing bong at the beginning and end for good measures. What a tune to keep you entertained, The Lift Song might make number one in the charts one day. This time all the recorded “person” was saying was, “Please stay calm!” Hard when you are stuck in a lift but Joolsy just giggled and just kept ringing the alarm bell. After twenty minutes Joolsy heard the Security Guards voice, the alarm was finally raised. The Guard went and got Joolsy’s Duty Manager’s who tried to pull the doors open on the lift but to no avail. One of the Manager’s showed concern offering Joolsy a mobile phone if she got panicky. What was she going to do, play Candy Crush or ring for a Domino’s pizza delivery? The same Manager though decided to ring the lift maintenance company to get an Engineer sent out instead of calling the fire brigade as, “It’s not really enough of an emergency to warrant the fire brigade!” Joolsy at that point did think about saying she felt panicky just so a load of hunky Firemen like the one’s in her 2010 calendar would come and rescue her, oh what a damsel in distress! Anyway the lift Engineer was on his way, phew! The Security Guard kept trying to open the door. Joolsy said afterwards it was like a scene from The Shining, “Here’s Johnny (replace here with Guard’s name)!” Anyway after being asked if Joolsy had eaten too many pies and that’s why the lift had broken, cheeky beggars they eventually managed to get the doors jammed open enough to get slim (she thanks you here) Joolsy out safely, hallelujah! Joolsy along with her two heroes, the Security Guard and a member of the Cafe team who had also come to her aid walked, yes walked down the stairs (better get that one in there) to find her Duty Manager’s. Joolsy’s Line Manager said she thought Joolsy was taking the proverbial in been so very late back from her break or had simply gone home. There were jokes from her colleagues about her just wanting hunky Firemen to come and rescue her, ah they know Joolsy so well and other staff members were saying it could only happen to her, TWICE! She does however feel slightly better (even though she found the whole event hilarious) by the fact that a part is now on order for the lift so it wasn’t the Marks and Spencer’s Chicken Pie she had for her tea the night before after all. I’m missing out on comedy effect here though as I really must inform you all that Joolsy is a bit of a one for getting stuck in places she shouldn’t. She once went to the toilet at a shopping centre and managed to jam the stiff (she said) lock firmly shut. After trying to jammy it open again Joolsy rang Mum and said the immortal words, “I stuck in the loo and I can’t get out. Help!” Mum went to investigate shouting, “Jools which one are you in?” A lady pointed to the toilet door and said, “She’s in this one. Can’t she slide under the door?” Mum replied, “She’s in her thirties and although she’s only small I don’t think she’ll be able to squeeze under that gap. I better go get some help.” Mum went off and found a Cleaner who offered to get security or the fire brigade (there’s a wanting pattern emerging here with Joolsy and the fire brigade) Mum thought security would be less embarrassing for the whole family and opted for that option. By the time this conversation had taken place Joolsy had managed to bash the door lock open and was free. The lady in the toilets ran after Mum and the Cleaner screaming, “She’s out, she’s out!” like Joolsy was some escaped convict on the set of Prison Break. Oh and lastly there was the time when Joolsy managed to lock herself in, yes in her old car. Dad had washed Joolsy’s car the day before and because it was winter time the locks had frozen. You could open the doors from the outside but once by the time Joolsy was inside and was trying to get some warmth on her frozen windscreen they had frozen up and sealed and Joolsy wanting to get out and spray deicer onto the window realised she couldn’t get out of the car. Again she rang Mum who came out the house and got in the car with her… Disaster as on shutting the doors they both realised they were both stuck! Mum rang Dad who said in an exasperated manner, “Try the windows and open using the handles on the outside!” This worked and Joolsy and Mummy were free, hooray! Joolsy’s just waiting to see where she can get locked into next.  
Wednesday night was the final of The Great British Bake Off and there wasn’t a dry eye in our house when Nadiya won. Joolsy who once didn’t cry at anything (not even a family funeral) now could blub at someone reading out a shopping list, was particularly moved to tears when her idol Mary Berry weld up, what a pair they’d make if Joolsy ever got to meet Mary. She almost came close earlier this year as Mary was at a food and drink fair at a nearby town but no other family member was interested in going. Elsie and I volunteered however the family thought we might drool too much at all the food based delights on offer and show ourselves up. Then of course Joolsy might show herself up too on meeting the great Lady (she should be made one in Joolsy’s humble opinion for services to food and floral fashion) Mary, double whammy of embarrassment we could have caused, ah one day perhaps? Elsie and I were whimpering too along with the humans as we thought cakes were going to actually be on offer, sadly not, even throughout the whole series. Just what is the world coming to?
The family went to the dentist the other day and Joolsy sat down and was telling the Dentist all about Elsie’s rotten molars and the Dentist was saying her dog had bad breath, what a pair off doggies they make! My breath is excellent even if I do smugly say so myself, gold star there for me! The Dentist started Joolsy’s check-up and all was going well until, bang or should that be scrape she found a crumbling filling. “You’re coming out in sympathy with your doggy! I haven’t got time to replace it now you’ll have to make a half hour appointment to have it done and then have a scale and polish done too.” What a traumatic week Joolsy was having! First she gets stuck in a lift and then she has to have dental work. If she didn’t find the whole lift incident so funny (the Guard was muttering on about the film Speed and it’s frightening lift sequence when he freed Joolsy) she’d have been on the phone to The Speakman’s for an emergency appointment by now. Just thinking I wonder if E. L.  James was sat in a red dentist’s chair when she created Christian Grey’s Red Room in her blog/trilogy of successful books! Slap my paws but just a quirky, creative and naughty thought there!
Seen as Joolsy is carless at the moment after waving Primrose the Mini off last week for repair (picture when a soap character departs in a black cab (replace with Green Flag tow truck) and everyone comes out to see them off, that was Joolsy, Elsie and I) Mum and Dad are playing Chauffeur ferrying Joolsy to and fro from work. Mum listens to the local radio station in our area which plays a variety of music which is to Mum and Joolsy’s tastes. However Dad listens to Classic FM. Now Joolsy is no heathen as she enjoys Last Night Of The Proms every year. This year she even downloaded a picture of the Union Jack flag onto her phone and started waving it around when “Land Of Hope And Glory” came on, she’s a cultured soul our Joolsy! Sadly though Classic FM is not to Joolsy’s tastes at all. On entering the house after listening to what sounded like the same song on repeat for twenty minutes (she was counting even the seconds of that car journey) Joolsy was demanding the Mum gave her a lift to and from work he next day. They were playing John Barry’s greatest hits (Joolsy thought Queen’s greatest hit were a tad better for review purposes) from Zulu to Dances With Wolves. Joolsy’s whining about the music making her ears bleed was like wolves howling not dancing I can tell you. To top the whole thing off Dad was explaining that John Barry lived on the next street on from him when he was growing up. Joolsy wasn’t interested in listening to this man’s music never mind his life story. Joolsy said she’d rather listen to opera so then Dad started singing Mya Bambino. Joolsy had heard the beautiful tones of Katherine Jenkins version of this song before however Dad’s dulcet tones left a lot to be desired. Please don’t quit your day job Dad you’re no Paul Potts.
Almost forgot with all the drama and noise my tests results came back all clear, see no news really was good news last week, The Vet thinks it was just an allergy to my food and a slight urine infection after all. I’m doing well on my new food and hopefully should be bulking back up again after my summer diet. I sound like I’ve gone on a diet from one of Mummy’s women’s magazines to get myself body beach tankini ready don’t I? Speaking of modelling Elsie’s winter coat arrived in the post this morning and it’s a flying jacket. Mum and Joolsy have just been around the shops this morning and it turns out that flying jackets are all the rage this winter, in women’s fashion that is not dogs. Not to be out done by her bang on trend pooch Joolsy is now on the look out for a matching jacket of her own, what a pair of stylish divas they’ll be! Right folks I’m pawing off for this week as Elsie and I are getting ready for our walk. 


















INCIDENTS OF THE CAR AND DOG KIND




Well, I’m back and no not from out of space. I’ve taken full control of Joolsy’s keyboard once more after last weeks trip to the vets (or should that be the pub if you believe that little madam Elsie). All her talk of me drinking gin. As if, I’m more of a pint of lager, beer or Guinness sort of guy with a packet of pork scratchings thrown in for good measures or I have been known to nearly get my nose stuck like a pig in a trough in a tube of Sour Cream and Onion Pringles, oh and I nearly attacked my Mummy (not brutally you understand, I don’t want to be up on GBH charges) over a pack of cheesy balls, they are scrumptious though in my defence. Hang on a second I can hear Elsie piping up now saying, “What about the red wine I sipped the other night?” Oh okay maybe I’m partial to a fine glass of Merlot too but don’t tell anyone that as I’ve got a manly reputation to up hold here. I hope Elsie didn’t tell you too many tales about me last week as I know she’s a cheeky one hence her wine or should that be whining interruption there. As for any hangovers, I came out of the vets feeling as bright as a shiny button. I don’t know why Elsie makes such a fuss about having a tooth and her face cut open, big baby! At least she didn’t have a tube stuck up her privates and still have the strength (okay acting abilities) not to walk like John Wayne (Bobbitt or otherwise. Okay bad form there!) after a hard days riding round on Neddy the horse. We haven’t heard anything to report from the vets yet so we are all hoping no news is good news. That’s what they say in all these TV medical dramas that Joolsy watches, setting Elsie off into a near frenzy every time the monitor goes PING! She asked me if I would join in with her barking, I gave her a highly unamused look and have decided that I’ll still save my frenzied craziness for the postwoman who has cooed at me through the letterbox since she started doing her rounds here in the village. Mind you at first she said I was, “Pretty” (word must have got around the village about my Merlot drinking antics) but Joolsy set her straight and now I’m a “handsome fine BOY!” phew!
We had a whole lot of drama on Tuesday evening when Joolsy was watching Holby City. See she’s slightly obsessed with medical dramas, never mind the fact that she used to work in a hospital until her life actually turned into an ER style nightmare of events minus George Clooney! Anyway we heard a loud bang from outside and when Mummy pulled back the curtains Primrose was flashing and I don’t mean using a beige Macintosh coat! Primrose the Mini who had been parked neatly by Joolsy earlier in the evening had been hit from behind. No, it wasn’t a Top Gun style rocket but a Vauxhall Corsa that had run into the back of her without a child, cat or Dancing On Ice arena to skid on in sight. May I just add that Elsie and I in our dark Stevie Wonder glasses weren’t involved in the damage to Primrose. Our joyriding incident was for artistic purposes, We were both laid in the living room on the sofas in full view of the family, just wanted to make that clear. Anyway Daddy, Joolsy and Elsie Bear (she’s like Miss Marple of the Yorkshire Terrier world that one) went to investigate and Dad took the driver's details. I can’t say much more as it’s the hands of Joolsy’s insurance company and I’m in enough trouble with Madonna and Cara Delevingne’s legal representatives for slander, so better not say anything about the silly ********** who ran into Primrose! Joolsy’s car will be going to be repaired tomorrow. It reminds me another tow truck tale that Joolsy tells of about her old Renault Clio and its radiator over heating. Joolsy was once the party animal of our local town and she had taken her car out on this particular night with it’s somewhat dodgy radiator ticking red on the dashboard. She had put water in it before she left home, then when she got to her friends house she added some more to keep it cool. They managed to have their fun night out and fancied an after-midnight snack from a garage in town. Joolsy decided to put some more water in the radiator before driving her friend then herself home. The car however was having other ideas and spat the lid off the radiator cover and this ended up down the drain. Had Frank Spencer shown up at the garage at that moment or what? Joolsy’s friend was screaming, “It’s going to blow up!” This was like a red rag to a bull on a petrol station’s forecourt as obviously petrol and flames aren’t such a hot (pardon the pun) idea. Joolsy managed to calm her friend and everyone filling up their cars with petrol down and rang for the car to be recovered. After dropping her friend home Joolsy arrived along with her motor at 5.30am, may add with the yellow flashing lights of the tow truck going at full lit blast. Joolsy knew how to make an entrance, even into the street, in those days. Another average night out for Joolsy and her pal! The best bit of the story though was Joolsy had been out with the same friend a week prior to this and they had got lost driving out of a slightly shall we say salubrious area, a trouble spot for after clubbing punch-ups. Her friend was freaking out about breaking down in the middle of nowhere (some stories about ghosts and goblins followed from her friends vivid imagination, yes alcohol was involved on Joolsy’s friends part) as they were running low on petrol. Anyway Joolsy eventually managed to find a garage in the nick of time and fortunately no person, ghost or goblin was injured in the making of this story 
Mummy and Daddy were out on Saturday night but Joolsy, Elsie and I had to endure... sorry watch the rugby from behind a cushion. Sixteen days after England kicked off the World Cup and held the hopes of a rugby loving nation in their hands, the dream was over. Joolsy was in no mood for messing after England’s defeat to Australia so Elsie cheered her up by running out into the yard when prompted and weeing (an act that she wouldn’t do without Mummy’s usual encouragement for Joolsy while my parents were away) and I got off the sofa without a mere grumble which is a miracle when I get comfy and settled in for the night. I sound like a right old man don’t I? Now where’s my tartan rug to warm my paws on this wet October afternoon? The only enjoyment on Saturday night now England are out the tournament is Strictly Come Dancing. I love it as once the series progresses Dad starts thinking he is in fact the fifth judge on the panel and then starts picking me up and twirling me around to show the audience (Joolsy, Mummy and now Elsie that is) how it’s supposed to be done in the dancing world. I enjoy it though and cling on for dear life as Dad tries in vain or should that be pain at my weight to put me down. Who says there can’t be same sex couples in Strictly eh Dad?
Joolsy went out for tea with her friend the other evening and for the second time last week came back smelling of not only new perfume but other dogs! Elsie and I are horrified at Joolsy’s insubordination and cheek at fussing other dogs, how very dare she? She had not only been fussing and cooing at her friend’s dogs but walking the two Yorkies as well and they had caused an international sized incident by all accounts. Apparently Oscar and Barney were more than a little bit partial to the lady charms of Jess, Joolsy friends lovely dog and were trying to show her they are suitable suitors for Jess’s affections. Her friend’s other dog was scared of the amorous pair and tried to hot foot it out of the field with Joolsy’s friend in hot pursuit. Button was okay once found hid in the bushes and calmed down and Joolsy and her friend decided to abandon the walk and go back to the safety of her friend’s office. Joolsy was just glad Elsie wasn’t there as she would have had a field day barking at all those other dogs. Although Jess and Button would have been safe as no dog would want to come near a snarling Elsie. Right folks that’s your lot for this week, I’ll be back with more tales to tell next week.