Monday, 14 September 2015

ME, DAVID GANDY OF THE DOG WORLD!

So since I last put paw to keyboard my portrait has had a lot of positive comments. Not quite from the art fraternity but from Joolsy’s “friends”on Facebook. Oh well to coin an Asda advertising slogan, “Every little helps!” What…. That’s a Tesco phrase and they’re suing me now too as well as Madonna? Jesus I’ll have no chicken or hypoallergenic treats left if I can’t type the politically correct thing or can’t get the right telly supermarket advertising campaign. Do hope I don’t have to go on The Chase ever and get asked about television marketing, I’d be stuffed. Dad is still coming up with fantastic painting ideas. He’s deciding whether to stick with paintings of Elsie and I in various locations or have different dogs or even different animals added to the fray. If he does paint Elsie and I again then I can’t wait to go to Paris and wear a beret and a stripy jumper (cliche I know but the French do chic extremely well and I am nothing if not chic). Think Elsie and I should insist that we get pet passports and actually go to get the image just so rather than it being a metaphorical piece of art work, it might do better sales wise on eBay a cheeky me thinks. Mind you the French can be quite volatile so I dread to think what their dogs are like, reckon Elsie would meet her match in barking and feisty terms out there.

Joolsy is trying to make me into a social media super star with all this blogging business. She’s cracking the whip a little bit too much for this dogs liking. Elsie and I are having our photos snapped on an almost daily basis. We are like the dogs world equivalent of Cara Delevingne and David Gandy. Cara got a little snippy snappy with the presenters of the American version of Good morning Britain recently so she’s a fabulous comparison to my “confident” pal Elsie. It goes without saying that I’m compared to David Gandy as we are both two extremely handsome and debonair gents. Now I know he has an underwear collection with Marks and Spencer’s (Joolsy had the video of him in his pants on repeat as it, “Perked her up for the day ahead!”) and for the right price I would be more than happy to model in some white Y-Fronts if Pets At Home were to want to design a range, now there’s a challenge for their creative team. Joolsy’s told me that I have to be funny every Monday afternoon when she’s watched This Morning and Loose Women on the TV so I can write this blog. The pressure, I mean inspiration and sarcasm does take a little work you know. I’m a Cocker Spaniel not a performing seal or the next doggy contestant to follow Pudsey or Matisse onto Britain’s Got Talent. Joolsy said she wouldn’t have me go on there though now anyway even if she found I did have a modicum of talent as the Chelton family have gone off Simon Cowell’s shows. The X Factor has taken such a downward turn in our house that we watched Antiques Roadshow last night and loony Wolverine lookalike and biking legend Guy Martin going around India the night before. Mum says X Factor has gone a bit manic and contrived for her. Oh everyone’s a television critic these days!

My infection has cleared up completely now so no more antibiotics for me, hooray! However my wee is still diluted like a Robinson’s squash that’s ready for next years Wimbledon so in a few weeks I have to do another urine sample and see from there how everything is settling down, the joys! Elsie is on full on play mood now she’s had her abscessed teeth out to my greatest displeasure. She’s a proper nut job and keeps trying to get me to chase her. When I tell her in my preferred gentlemanly manner she just won’t take the hint until I get a little more forceful and grumble at her like Vada’s breathing in Star Wars (all deep, meaningful and very much from the dark side). Mind you speaking of play and Elsie, when I got up last Wednesday morning Mum and Joolsy were saying what a little Miss Mischief Elsie had been during the night. I slept through it all I’m pleased to say otherwise there would have been another reason for me to grump and grumble. Infant it would have been let’s get ready to grumble or grumble in the village had she woken me up. What had happened was that Elsie had woken Joolsy up licking her lips which can mean she could have a funny turn (not like the one I’m having now either) so Joolsy was soothing her and talking to her. Mum heard the per-lava and went to investigate (only half the house up already this girl’s doing well). This was at just before 2.00am may I add? Elsie being a bit of a diva liked the fuss and attention (well who can blame her I guess, especially as she is an A star lapdog). Once Mum had settled her (or so she thought) and came back to bed, Elsie decided that she wanted more attention and started prancing and dancing around Joolsy’s room. This performance went on for a further half an hour until Joolsy decided to open her door. At which point Elsie ran faster than Usain Bolt around the landing to Mum and Dad’s room and threw herself on their bed, shuffled herself around until she was comfy and then went to sleep until it was morning. Bloody minx!

Right well I’m off for my evening stroll now and I’m pleased to say that this Monday I don’t smell like a girl dog from the Refreshers (remember them folks) shampoo that they washed me with at the grooming salon last week. Well with my David Gandy (of the dog world) good looks I guess I could be the face of a dog shampoo too. Another great idea for Pets At Home to go with my underwear campaign. What a two pronged marketing attack I’ve come up with there! 














  






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