This is so exciting now I’ve worked out how to crank up Mama J’s (that is Joolsy to Marble and fans of this blog I am lead to believe) Apple Mac laptop. Yes, folks I Elsie Bear Chelton, Queen Diva of the Yorkshire Terrier World am taking over Marble’s Doing A Comedy Turn for one week and one week only. He’s out having a few gin and tonic’s this morning! (“Jesus is he some sort of alcoholic or something?” I hear you cry.) No, please don’t worry when I say G&T’s, I don’t mean the type that Granny has after a hard evening walking Marble and I. Going through the trials and tribulations of who I like and don’t like dog wise in the village. Okay so it’s a short list of who I do like as I was taught in the mean city streets when I was a gangster bitch to trust no one. So even when I now meet “friendly” dogs they get confused with in my mind with being behind enemy lines. Marble is at the vets this morning on not Gordon’s or Bombay Sapphire gin but their very own special brew that I was also meant to be given to me this morning too, more on that in a minute. Marble is having a catheter up his Jimmy Roger. Yes, that is indeed cockney rhyming slang that Lord Sugar and my favourite Queen Vic landlady of all time Peggy (get out of my puuuubbb!) Mitchell would understand. No, it isn’t rhyming unfortunately for Jammy Dodger, the scrumptious biscuits that a Yorkshire lady like myself loves with a morning brew. To put it more delicately Marble’s having his water works investigated this morning to see why he keeps peeing a lot (particularly in the vicinity of the house.. Well, inside the house, I was trying to spare his blushes there.) Paws crossed he’ll have more information for you guys next week and won’t still be grabbing his crotch area a la Michael Jackson when he went through his, “Bad. I’m bad, you know it!” phase.
Now as Marble informed you all last week Mama J was in charge of us and he’s told me to tell you that we are still alive and didn’t get food poisoning from any waywardly cooked sausage rolls. To be fair to my Mama J she was only fourteen years old at the time and although Mary Berry was probably making cookery programmes I believe back then they maybe weren’t as prevalent in everyone’s mind as The Great British Bake Off is today. However now Mary Berry is Mama J’s fashion icon and she hangs off her every word and stylishly floral jacket she wears. Mama J did a sterling job looking after us. She gave Marble and I many a cuddle over the week and coped with me feeling a little shaky mid-week and then my medical emergency on Friday morning from which I’m still feeling sore from now. After my 6.00am breakfast (due to Marble wanting to say a huge great big, “HELLO!”) Mama J noticed that my left cheek was looking slightly puffy and by the time she had finished beautifying herself this looked like I was trying to be a half former Hollywood starlet trying to recapture her youth by injecting chemicals into her cheek to make them fuller. I say half as my other cheek looked like it was ageing gracefully! Mama J managed to get me in at the vets at lunchtime for them to have a look. Going to the vets was quite exciting as last time I got near Mama J’s car it was metaphorically speaking and in paint form, joyriding around the local area with Marble at the helm of the steering wheel. This time Mama J was in control of the driving but I got to ride up front with her looking out the side windows and windscreen as every blade of grass blew by. By the time I got to the vets I was in a mood for no messing. I unfortunately gave the new vet a slightly nasty welcome to the practice when he tried to have a look in my mouth. Not friendly I know but I was in discomfort and as i’ve learned attack is the best form of defence! Please don’t worry all his fingers were left in tact when we left the practice, as I was minus seven teeth and counting by this point so along with my glamorous under-shot jawline I could do no real lasting Jaws or Dracula style damage. Mind you I wouldn’t even let Mama J wipe my eyes clean from gunk earlier that morning and I have no reason to fear her. The vet said I would have to go back this morning to be sedated along with Marble who was having his procedure done but events took on a quicker turn when Granny and Granddad returned from drinking their San Miguel’s in Spain. My cheek by this point looked again like I’d been the full twelve rounds with a heavy weight boxing champion. Granddad got the phone immediately as they opened Saturday morning and by 12.00pm I too was on the same gin that Marble is on right now. When the vet thoroughly investigated my pearly whites with her magic wand, okay probe she found that although they looked like I’d used enough doggy Colgate toothpaste one of them was rotten to the core and this was why I was looking like half the bride of Frankenstein. After obtaining permission from Granddad she extracted the poorly tooth, shaved the fur from my cheek and drilled a hole in my face to let the puss drain out. Ouch the drama and oh the pain I endured. When she rang she explained this was the case as she didn’t want my family thinking I’d been cast in the latest Quentin Tarrentino movie and had come across Uma Thurman in her yellow jumpsuit and Samurai sword whilst in the vets surgery. Mama J thanked the vet and told her she was a super star. Now I had other less complimentary names I could have called her at the time than a super star! Although today I feel on top of the world again so will thank her in my own doggy way when I go for my check-up this afternoon and we bring a slightly hung over Marble home to recover from his procedure. I know the feeling fella honest. Right well I better stop my now free flowing and now neatly manicured by the concrete pavement paws and go back to my usual stance or should that be sitting position of barking out the window and at anything or anyone that moves. Be it man, woman, dog or indeed sparrow feeding off our bird table in the front garden. Thank you for reading this today and I promise normal Marble kind of writing service will resume next week. Lastly I just wonder if Marble instead of giving me the evils will respond to the pings of the monitors by barking when Mama J is watching Casualty and Holby City now he’s had his medical procedure? Mama J and the rest of my family fear he might!


No comments:

Post a Comment