BALLS... THAT IS RUGBY & BALLSY WOMEN!




So Joolsy, Elsie and I have empty nest syndrome. “What another mumbo jumbo syndrome that has been invented by the self help glitterati?” I hear you cry. Ma and Pa Chelton have left us to fend for ourselves. Everyone please start crying with us now otherwise I’ll set mean and feisty Elsie on you to gain the full on sympathy effect for us all. What wait it’s only for a few days? I don’t think it was really necessary for Joolsy to prepare for their departure by finding self help tomb after self help tomb on Amazon and then downloading them pronto to her Kindle when they initially booked their trip on lastminute.com all those weeks ago. She could’ve however downloaded a cook book as this young lady once infamously put sausage rolls in a microwave! I swear Dad’s threat of shaming her on her wedding day with this ever so tall tale is putting her off getting a man! Now I’m just a mere mortal of a Cocker Spaniel but even I’ve taken enough notes from The Great British Bake Off to know this isn’t a savvy move. Yes, folks if you keep the microwave going for more than five minutes, “Trying to make them a golden brown colour on top” black steam does come streaming out of the sides of the microwave. What have Elsie and I let ourselves in for? Hopefully our own doggy dinners for a start off and we will leave the chargrilled and black in the middle sausage rolls for Joolsy to have for her tea. The most excitement we are going to get and we’ve been told this by Joolsy isn’t wild debauchery, oh no my back yard foam partying days are well and truly over now. No, the most we can expect in terms of fun is the live hour long episode of Coronation Street on Wednesday night. Come on Joolsy, I think your friend was right when he said you were boring these days as you said you’d rather watch the opening episode of Strictly Come Dancing rather than go partying. Sorry better watch my mouth and my loose keyboard tapping paws here as we won’t be getting a whiff of our dinners. Joolsy is dead excited about Corrie, she was practically giddy when This Morning were doing a preview session the other day with some of the cast. You know what they say about simple things and simple minds? As well as Coronation Street to get jolly about any rugby fan worth their salt will know that the World Cup kicked off in style at the weekend. We were all cheering England on in their extremely tense opener. It was like watching the national football team and even I was having a nibble on my claws towards the end of the first half when Fiji looked like they were coming a little more into the game. Anyway England battled through and won that game, just the tiny matter of Australia to come in a few games time. Oh dear and we can’t rely on Jonny Wilkinson’s wonderful kicking abilities anymore either. I’m feeling tense in the tummy over that one. Joolsy’s warned me she’ll turn the rugby off if I get too tense in the tummy/the bladder though as we don’t anymore accidents like last week. I’ll fill you in properly in a minute, although I will say this I’m glad I wasn’t modelling the prototype for my new Pets At Home range of Dog Gandy white pants at the time! Back to the rugby as going to try and spare my blushes for a second or two longer. The Chelton household found an unlikely affinity with the Japanese rugby team on Saturday evening when they beat the Springboks. Its safe to say we were turning Japanese, turning Japanese, I really think so! Oh Lord above I feel like I’ve just been transported to a tacky sorry meant stylish and sophisticated there Tokyo karaoke bar for a second there. Dad was cheering them on and even kept jumping up and down from the table to check the score. I on the other paw stayed at the table as it was Mama’s Lasagne which is a favourite with Joolsy and I and now Elie has joined in and thrown her vocal appreciation into the mix. Joosly said after the game that it was like Mr Miyagi from the original and in my humble opinion the best Karate Kid movie (sorry Jaden Smith but your version was a poor remake even if you could get your leg into full on kick mode on The Graham Norton Show months after shooting had ended) had taught the Japanese team to wax on, wax off all over the South African defence. Too true!

Sorry to hear the sad news of Jackie Collins’s death at the weekend. Joolsy was watching her interviewed on Loose Women (if ever there was a show to go on with her style of literature it was this) only days before her death and she looked fabulously glamorous as ever. Take it from a dog with grooming in his heart it isn’t easy to look that good when you are advancing in years but Jackie always made it look so effortless. She was a trailblazer for women in terms of writing feisty strong female leads and is an inspiration in her humorous outlook for this blog I’m pawing today. She paved the way for women to explore a different and more colourful shall I say style of writing. She bought a marvellous “bit of glamorous midnight blue” style of writing compared to the sunflower yellow style my writing brings with hopefully a full on cheery disposition that brightens up your Monday afternoons. Also I believe she will no doubt have been an inspiration for a bit of Grey (Christian that is) and red (room that is) along her years of success. Joolsy’s telling me what to write here as the Fifty Shades trilogy are a little too much for my delicate tear drop Spaniel eyes to bare. Anyway no matter what part of the writing rainbow you come from, Jackie did it in her own unique style. I can’t believe she wrote her books long hand though. Don’t think I’m talented enough at holding a pen to do it that way so I’ll stick with Joolsy’s Apple Mac.

Now on to an embarrassing moment in my week and the reason I maybe adding a washing powder to my advertising portfolio in due course. As long as I don’t have to run around the neighbours houses coming out with a catchphrase like, “Watch out you beggars it’s Cheggers!” I’m reluctantly in. Yes, doggy had not one but two accidents last week. First there was the waterfall coming out of my backside (sorry if you are eating a curry and reading this). It was like Hardraw Force the day Joolsy went with her primary school party way back in the day and her over zealous teacher got the class to make a circle in the water and near the falls and, “Feel the force!” I didn’t like the force coming out of my bum anymore than Dad liked the force of the waterfall all those years ago through his fearful hand covered eyes. Ah the days before risk assessments were a fun sight to behold. Then I had another accident on Friday lunchtime when I decided to spray smelly yellow water all over the kitchen floor. So guess where I’m going when Mum and Dad get back from their trip to Espana, the vets, yippeeeeee! They are going to do some more in-depth tests to see if they can get to the bottom (pardon the pun there) of it all. Right folks off to chill out before the dog walker kindly takes Elsie and I out for our evening stroll.

















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