“Where’s my puppy?!” Here we go again, there’s Joolsy’s dulcet morning tones reverberating across the landing. We have this rig moral every morning but I better look cute and run along for a fuss quickly if I want lots of Christmas presents this year! Joolsy got me not one, not two but three presents! To add to the cast of Toy Story 4 which we created in the living room the other day we have Phil Pheasant, Percy Piglet and Leo “Simba” Lion. Joolsy and I are working on the plot line and script for Toy Story 4 featuring all my wonderful toys and we will be sending the results across to the Disney and Pixar studios in the coming months, we are going to be richer than our wildest dreams (yum lots of dog biscuits for me then as that’s what my wildest dreams consist of, I can’t wait!)!!
How rude of me, I have not introduced myself to you all! My name is Marble Chelton or Marblina Cockerlina Ballerina (honestly I’m a boy, I could get issues especially if they try putting me in a tutu!) or Prince Marble Arble of the Marble Arble World (yes you read that craziness right there), Marbster or Cock Cock (well I am a Blue Roan Cocker Spaniel so I guess that cap fits!) The last nickname is a little risqué and embarrassing especially when Joolsy is shouting, “Where’s my Cock Cock?” on Saltburn beach, I tell you I’ll disown Joolsy one of these days I really will! I’ve lived with my family for three years now and we’ve had some fun and frolics already. When I was a little puppy my nickname was Marble Lucifer Piranha as I used to nibble my family’s feet, fingers, legs and arms, for fun! I thought I was a vampire as Dad watched endless Hammer Horror films (I’ll blame those bad films for my bad behaviour, should get me off the hook as they really were atrocious, any fans reading this I apologise!!). Joolsy used to have to wear boots, her leather jacket and gloves in the house, it was the of height summer and she was like a melting ice cream until Mum and Dad came home from work to give her and her mountains of protective clothing some well earned respite care from my pearly whites! When I was a puppy I found it fun to have a mad half hour (ok sometimes it was a full hour but who was counting? Oh dear my family were!) between 8pm and 9pm. It was like the Gladiators gauntlet, I would go running, round and round the sofa, in between the chairs like a nimble toed demon dog until 9pm came and I’d just flop and fall asleep! Fortunately for my family’s sanity levels especially when they were trying to settle down and watch Coronation Street I have mellowed and matured now, although playtime with my rope and other toys is a must several times throughout the course of a day!
There was one funny incident I can recall from my youth when I’d been out into the back yard to do my business and I’d made a bit of a mess to put it delicately! Joolsy swilled the yard with Fairy liquid, (other washing up liquids are available of course, better get that in there or I’ll be sued!) it was like a foam party! All we needed was Fat Boy Slim or Mark Ronson and more sunshine of course and we could have been at Manumission! I was getting my paws a grooving and giving it large that day I can tell you! How does it go again? Ah yes big fish, little fish, card board box!
I had a profile on Facebook for a few months but I felt the public intrusion into my every day life was just too much to bear, I don’t know how Jordan puts up with it! I used to post photos of myself on there. One was of me in my Team GB rain coat with go fast stripes on it, that my parents had bought me to keep me dry so I could get in the living room more quickly after I’d been out for my morning and evening strolls! It will come in handy for London 2012 when we will be all cheering on the British athletes, go Team GB! The public intrusion got to a real low point when I spotted myself on Google Earth with my Dad who was pictured chatting with one of our neighbours, can’t a dog go anywhere without the paparazzi following him waiting for their next scoop!
I’ve been on a fair number of holidays already across The British Isles. Mum and Dad decided they wanted to take up caravanning (“Someone has to!” Joolsy said). It was interesting and I loved it as I could go away on endless trips to the seaside with my family and eat scraps of fish ‘n’ chips! However Joolsy soon cooled to the idea when she found that she couldn’t have twenty minute showers on a morning and had to go to the toilet block to do a number two! She’s a luxury lady our Joolsy and she did a Prison Break style exit from the caravan park on her first trip away when Nanna came to view the caravan. Off she went on the coach from Scarborough to York back to the land of running hot water and non-chemical loos, her idea of utter bliss at the time! We went on a few more trips in the caravan and then Mum decided she didn’t like the idea of caravanning anymore either, fickle women or what?! Dad and I still enjoyed it apart from the moaning. The final straw was when we went to a family caravan site just outside Northumberland! Joolsy had booked into a hotel so she was happy as Larry but let’s just put it this way, the people staying on the site weren’t our sort of people! These people made Harry Enfield’s characters Wayne and Waynetta Slob look like pure British aristocracy, it was a nightmare even by my chilled out standards! What a snob I sound don’t I?! Anyway that was the end of the road for our caravanning hopes and dreams, we left the next morning and headed home and the caravan was sold to a dealer within two weeks at a loss, my family have a head for business you see! We then went up market and across the border for our next holiday to Scotland!! I got to go and on a ferry, trying to steal a nibble of this girl’s chocolate muffin along the way and we stayed in a really posh hotel located on a beautiful dog walking beach on the Isle of Arran, it was doggy heaven as I could run for miles and miles along the untouched and very windswept Scottish scenery! I joined the hotel’s folk band up there as their mascot as when they’d finished a tune I’d loudly add my own bit, they were delighted to have such a groupie following and the guests and staff thought I was a hit addition too, watch out Britain’s Got Talent here I come!
I have a lot of friends both in people and dog terms. There’s the Post Lady who talks to me through the letter box as she’s delivering our mail. I like her apart from the fact that she once said I was, “Too pretty to be a boy!” How should a react to that comment? Weight training to build up my manly muscles perhaps? I’ll get my dumbbells out after writing this and do a few repetitions! Having said that though I do go to a doggy grooming parlour every eight weeks for a bit of a preening. You see my fur is dense and thick and if I didn’t go I’d have a quiff that Elvis would have been proud of! Then there’s Lulu who comes to stay next door when her parents are away. I have a bit of a crush on her as we have grown up together although she can be a little bit flirty and flighty and I reckon she might give a kind and loving gentleman such as myself a bit of a run around. Also there’s Bonnie who came to stay here while her Mum was on holiday, she’s got the diva in her as well but she is awfully pretty and playful so we shall let her off for attention seeking behaviour at times! Then of course there is my wonderful and warm family who I adore been with. I have them wrapped around my little paw coyly getting them to give me fuss, treats and play but I know they love me and wouldn’t have it any other way! Right I’m off the finish editing the first few pages of Toy Story 4 now, good day to you!