CHANGING ROOMS

To my regular readers, please except not my but Mama J’s most humble apologises for her lack of editorial input last week. She is on her hands and knees as my paws tap frantically along the keyboard, begging you for forgiveness for her being a total no show blogging wise. If I went totally freelance I would cause an international incident bark/typing wise so I need Mama J’s steady hand on the word guidance front.
   Now for the reason why she wasn’t available. Was she out making a difference in society? Helping her friends perhaps? Caring for animals that weren’t even me? Well, that last one better not be true otherwise we’ll be having stern words once this is pawed. No, Mama J was letting her creative juices flow in her bedroom. Please Mama J will you stop trying to conjure up images of Idris Elba naked in your bedroom! Sorry love but unless this blog becomes world famous it really isn’t going to happen… Oh bugger she’s getting a bit teary now, I better stop with my extremely harsh impression of Strictly Come Dancing Judge Craig Revel Horwood and tell her she’s fab-u-lous!

Mama J decided the other Monday night, right in the middle of Coronation Street that she fancied a change of look. This was bedroom wise and not hair cut wise, which was getting to be a standard occurrence most times she was booked in for a trim, until she decided that long flowing locks were the order of the hairdressing day. So she set about single handedly saving the interior design world one quilt cover, towel set, picture print and chair at a time! Now Mama J had a bedroom that made Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat look positively dull. Changing Room’s Designer Laurence Llewelyn Bowen would’ve being so proud as there was a manically coloured chair that matched or well really didn’t, her even more manically coloured bedspreads. Yes, bedspreads really is what the old girl calls them, like something out the 1950s. Mama J they are duvet covers, please will you just get with the times. Anyway you can see why I didn’t want to spend the full night in there and retreated to Granny and Grandpa’s room. It was like sleeping in Austin Powers groovy baby boudoir.
   She then started looking for inspiration, we could all do with a bit of that with Mama J’s high fluting ideas and found it on Pinterest, which became her go to creative ideas guru. It was decided that her room was going to be calming shades of grey and yellow. Then her mission which she very much did choose to except was to find a grey chair, which she managed to source on Dunelm’s website. After choosing an absolute beauty of a chair and ordering it and then finding some bedspreads sorry duvet sets to blend her grey and yellow vision, Mama J and Granny set off in search of towels, so there was a greater flow of continuity into her en-suite.
   She found two sets of towels, one grey and one yellow and began wandering around the Dunelm store to see what pictures they had in stock. En-route Mama J and Granny had to walk through the chair department and spotted a beautiful grey chair that wasn’t on their website but was actually on sale in store.
Mama J’s eyes welled up, think Bambi when his mother was killed but not quite as drastic of course, as she sat in this perfectly stuffed seat. Her bum had never felt such cushioning she was exclaiming to Granny as she sat and looked to the skies, well the shops ceiling for divine intervention or a customer services number to cancel her existing order. Mama J initially walked away from the chair and round to the picture department but was so distracted that she couldn’t concentrate on the array of wonderful prints that were on display. As she went back to have another look at the chair, she said to Granny that she would have to take a cushion and turn it into a feudal stick Jet from Gladiator’s style should anyone dare to try and purchase the gorgeous grey chair. The chair was still there as Mama J glared at anyone who passed it and looked in its direction. She made an extremely speedy purchase and then made a very simple telephone call to cancel her previous Dunelm order. The world of Mama J was an ecstatically happy place, as has been her bottom sat on its new throne.

Lastly she needed to find some pictures for her bathroom area, as she felt multicoloured cars weren’t really a racing vision in her mind anymore. At first she was going to go with inspirational quotes such as lines from the movie Rocky. However starting her morning with a wee and the words, “The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place…” Wasn’t really the way to go. Although I do know this speech revs itself up to be very motivational towards the end of the quote. Also she didn’t go with an Audrey Hepburn quote, as she thought that when she entered her bathroom in the morning with her hair all dishevelled, she didn’t feel she could ever pull off the grace and beauty that Audrey possessed. Now come on Mama J, you are awesome too!
   It was decided that she would purchase some extremely quirky dog photographs that even I couldn’t have pulled off modelling wise.
They really finish off the area perfectly as did repainting her barometer from turquoise to a dark grey. I do question her ever getting into an eBay bidding war (yes it really did happen) over her barometer, as Mama J can just open her curtains and have a peep out of the window to see what the weather is doing but creatively it does look quite cool and stop her from getting down and groovy to the not so trendy national shipping forecasts just yet. That Grandma move could be coming anytime soon from her though!


REINVENTION OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE, ONE POLO BEAR AND PUDDLE BIKE AT A TIME!

This week I bring you tales of the unexpected from the inner workings of not my creative mind but that of Mama J’s crazy brain. Last week saw President Trump’s two favourite words added to The Collins Dictionary. Yes, poor Donald with his very large inferiority complex thinks that everything written about him is in fact “fake news” actually managed to obtain the kudos of having these gems added into the famous book of words. Bless him he really needs to see a Therapist and realise that not all the world is against him but just a few mild mannered people who mean the human race no harm whatsoever! Okay I better stop stirring the pot here otherwise I’ll be on the receiving end of a Twitter tirade telling me I’m a phoney Yorkshire Terrier, which is never a good thing to aspire to be and also causing a global incident. It’s just like your average week on The Real Housewives Of Cheshire in Donald’s international world of bother causing.
Well, Mama J not only invented two brand spanking new words but also a new animal and a new method of transportation to boot. Who said you can’t reinvent the wheel?
   The first word came about when she was groaning about her legs aching slightly. Granny pointed out that other people in the world were suffering more and to spare a thought for Ed Sheeran. This is multi-millionaire Ed Sheeran with all his wonderful array of musical talents? Why would Mama J need to be concerned about Ed? Granny then went on to inform Mama J that Ed had recently fallen off his bike and broke both his arms, which for a touring guitar player and of course singer might not go down to well with the paying public who are expecting him to give a full on “turn”. Mama J enquired, “Was it a motor bike or a puddle bike?” Granny looked bemused and my head shot up from her lap as she asked, “A what? A puddle bike? What the hell is a puddle bike?” Come on now guys you were all thinking I’d made a typo error there weren’t you? At first though I think Granny thought a puddle bike was a new type of bike, you know like a BMX, a Chopper or a mountain bike. When in fact Mama J actually got tongue tied and just meant a pedal bike!
The next new word came about last night when we were all sat watching the very excellent Blue Planet 2 and Granny dared to question some of the facts that Sir David Attenborough was coming out with. “How does he really know that? How do they create new creatures every time this programme is on? Do you think they set some of it up in an aquarium?” With that Mama J recalled, “Oh yes like when they filmed those Polo Bears in that zoo!” Granny nearly choked on the wine she was trying to drink and yes my head shot up again and looked at Mama J for her incorrect usage of the English language. A Polo Bear? Now I’ve heard of the game of Polo and my head was on horse back, galloping along with my hair blowing gently in the breeze by this point but Granny obviously interpreted it slightly differently and asked, “Do these bears have holes in their middles?” This conversation was getting more bizarre by the second however then I cottoned on that they might be bears that leave your breath smelling minty fresh too! Answers on a postcard if you know what I’m talking about here.
All in all with the fireworks then Blue Planet 2’s eerie music that made the Jaws soundtrack sound like Frozen my karma was truly shattered last night. It’s time for a relaxing rest on the sofa this morning.


FROM HOSPITAL TO WONDER WOMAN IN ONE FELL WALKING SWOOP

I’ll let you into a little secret. Well, this is actually a huge secret for a tiny but massive in personality Yorkshire Terrier such as myself to be burdened with for all these weeks. My Mama J is a fully fledged superhero! She is Wonder Woman in an animal print jumper. That’s what she is wearing today so we’ll have go with that description. Before you think I’ve gone crazy with my imaginative brain powers, I have not. She saw herself as Wonder Woman when she went for hypnotherapy to calm her down prior to her heart surgery last week and the role sits very nicely indeed on her shoulders. Crown, wrist bands and all! Even the Hypnotherapist encouraged her superhero powers by buying her a Wonder Woman t-shirt and of course I have my superhero bandana which goes very aptly to transform me into Wonder Woman’s partner in universe saving action.
With her new powers of calmness against the odds, Mama J was able to conquer her nemesis, the hospital doors! We all got up a 5.30am. Yes, I know my eyes hurt when Granny turned the bedroom light on for Grandpa to take me out for my very early morning stroll. Was this more Bear Grylls survival training in the mix? I have a few riders for such adventures such as wanting treats on demand when I give a paw or a stern nod.
   Once Mama J was dressed we all jumped into the car at 6.50am and travelled the hour’s drive to the hospital. Mama J usually freaks out on arrival at the hospital entrance but this time she kissed me and Grandpa goodbye and ran in through the sliding doors, her superhero cape blowing in the breeze. Just kidding her superhero training hadn’t fully kicked in but her bladder sure had. She was like Anneka Rice on Challenge Anneka bounding in looking for the nearest toilet! She bounced passed Rachel who was part of the hospital’s psychological support team apologising for her unruly water works as she went. When she’d finished her ablutions Mama J and her entourage of Granny and Rachel went up to check herself into the health spa, sorry hospital ward for the duration of her stay.
   On being checked in Mama J had to run through the necessary paperwork with the nursing staff and an extremely cheeky Anaesthetist. The chap asked her for her address, date of birth and then bank details! Mama J being the feisty and security conscious lady that I know and love chirped back, “I’m not giving you that information. I’ve only just met you!” She had one concern that the Anaesthetist allayed which was getting the cannula in her hand. His reply was, “If I get it in there in one will you give me your bank details?” She looked amused and answered, “You’ve got to get it in there first to find out!” With the banter over with Mama J put on her hospital gown and paper underpants. Somehow I don’t think these knickers will ever catch on and feature in any of Marks and Spencer underwear collections any time soon! With that they called her through to the lab, yes the lab not even an operating theatre. Now come on was she really having an operation done or a beauty treatment? The procedure began to be very real.
   Now Mama J isn’t very bendy at the best of times but she had to get on a step ladder and hop onto a tiny bed. The steps made her feel like she was about to go horse riding again and this was going to be one hell of a different ride. Once on the bed all she discussed before she went to sleep was Yorkshire Tea. See a good brew really is the meaning of life after all. I thought the deep and funny stuff was meant to come out of your mouth after waking up from an anaesthetic not before.

Once Mama J came around and vital checks were done she was wheeled back through to the ward where Granny was waiting to greet her and tell her the good news. This was that her valve replacement was a total success and they’d managed to also widen an artery while they were in there too.
   Following Granny telling her this excellent news one of the doctor’s who performed the procedure came to say how delighted he was with he outcome, how he’d be interested to see how she was getting on in clinic in three months time and that to road test the new valve he wanted Mama J to go hill walking! Oh yes you know what this means for an exercise loving loon like me? I’ve got a partner in marching crime now! Thank you Doctor, I’ll pay you later.
   Mama J who was still dazed by the anaesthetic couldn’t quite take this in and started chanting in rhythm, “Hill walking! Hill walking. He wants me to go hill walking!” Granny looked on and just nodded along with her chanting as did everyone else on the ward. So that was the patients, their visiting friends and relatives and all the staff who came to check up on her, all nodding in unison at Mama J’s chanting or ranting. I bet it was like one of those annoying tunes you can’t get out of your head. The Hill Walking song. I might paw it and go on Britain’s Got Talent to see what Simon Cowell makes of it all.

Mama J tried to rest through the night although with all the monitors bleeping, (I’d have been barking away at them had I being there) blood pressure checks and patients snoring this was very difficult indeed. At 3.30am Mama J could take no more and made her way to the nurses station for a bit of quiet contemplation. On telling them of her stresses they made her a cup of tea, cracked open a tub of Celebrations chocolate and gave her the latest edition of Closer magazine to read. Mama J was slightly disappointed it wasn’t Hello magazine but beggars can’t be choosers at that time in the morning.
 After a half hour sit down Mama J went back to her bed for another session of staring at the ceiling then at the monitor and then back at the ceiling again.

Mama J was up with the lark at 6.30am and had her hair done and a full face of make up on by 6.45am. She was coming home after her overnight stay and couldn’t wait for Granny to arrive at 10am to collect her. Prior to that she had an echocardiogram and an x-ray to have which didn’t go without event. 
   On the way back from the echo test Mama J’s very tense and tired right leg turned rogue and grew a mind of its own. Don’t you just love it when a leg does that? It then kicked off completely and tripped Mama J up to the absolute horror of the Radiographer who was walking her back to the ward. He’d already told her about his pace maker whilst he was running the test so he knew he could jokingly tell her off for startling his pace maker into action. On graciously receiving an apology from Mama J for her legs misbehaviour he said, “It’s not every day a lady throws herself at my feet.” He scraped Mama J up, tucked her under his arm and frogmarched her back to the ward like a scene from war movie Black Hawk Down. Leave no patient behind was the order of that day. Poor man was as white as a sheet but Mama J knowing her legs unruly behaviour took it all in her stride and returned to the ward with a grin on her face. She was coming home!
Since getting home Mama J has had lots of cuddles from me. On the day of her discharge I even ran up the stairs and sat halfway up them just to make sure she got down safely. Mama J’s friend said she’d be treated like royalty and she felt she wouldn’t have received better care were she from The Royal House Of Windsor. All the staff did an amazing job and I’m so grateful to them for looking after my Mama J so well and giving me the opportunity to take her hill walking! Onwards and up wards literally from now on!






MISS MOTIVATOR'S FLYING POO!

Well, I knew that upping the anti with regard to Mama J’s fitness levels was going to be a difficult and trying ask even for a hard task master such a myself. I’m the Lord Sugar of the dog world! Although when she came home from work for her holiday’s announcing that she’d had to perform a number of her afternoon’s activities whilst riding the store’s motability scooter, my first thought wasn’t exactly is she joining the cast of Benidorm as a racing rival for Madge?
   Mama J has suffered with lack of energy due to thyroid issues for the last month or so but this was going to be a disaster for my bladder and bowels whilst my Granny and Grandpa were away. A girl needs to limber up towards a number one (wee) and a number two (poo) twice a day with a little gentle exercise. I hardly think going up our neighbour’s driveway will suffice to adequately get my “movements” flowing!
Granny and Grandpa set off for the airport at 1.30am and I was most upset to be awoken from my dreamy existence, especially as I was dreaming about long luscious walks followed by scrumptious doggie treats. Now there really is the way to a Yorkshire Terrier’s heart!
   Mama J was ready for my wailing and ushered me into her room and onto her comfy bed. However I couldn’t settle and ran off around the landing to see if Granny and Grandpa were still in their room and it was just a dream like when Bobby Ewing wasn’t killed off and was actually taking a shower in Dallas. Sadly this wasn’t the case and I was left in charge of Mama J for a whole week. 
Well, I needn’t of worried about lack of inactivity on Mama J’s part as she absolutely rose to my challenge each and every day of Granny and Grandpa’s Spanish tour. I’m clearly good stimulation for the thyroid gland so can just call me Dr Elsie! On the Saturday I got so giddy with the sunshine that was flowing through our living room window. Yes, I know it was the end of September however Yorkshire was experiencing a nice dose of Vitamin D enhancing rays and Mama J and I were out and about feeling the benefits.
   I demanded a walk around our gorgeous village each and every hour on that Saturday and Mama J’s iPhone said we walked collectively 2.3 miles. Mama J needed a sit down and a cup of tea in between walking courses, however it will teach her for ever saying she gets bored on a weekend due to a lack of This Morning and Loose Women on the telly!

I did have a few diva moments along the way with Mama J and her behaviour. Don’t judge me people, you don’t have to live with her! The first one was when she tried to get into bed while I was already laid comfortably on top of the covers. How dare she come out of her bathroom, put her body lotion on her skin then demand to get into her own bed? I ask you, who the hell does she think she is? I jumped off the bed in a fit of rage, ran onto the landing and refused to come into the room for all of five minutes when I got tired and cold. I was still in a strop the next morning and kept showing her the whites of my eyes. They say it’s an elephant that never forgets, well I’m a Yorkshire Terrier with a good memory too!
   The second incident was when Mama J left me for four hours to go back to work. Now I know she hired me a lovely dog walker to give me my afternoon stroll but I thought we were a team! Once we’d had our teas I ran over sofa on the other side of the living room and kept peeping at Mama J in pure disgust at her money earning actions. She kept trying to call me over but I was having none of it… Well until a treat was mentioned then all was forgiven. I really must work on my resolve next time I get cross and shouldn’t be so easily bribed!
I did have a few incidents with doggies in my village when Mama J and I were strolling around and sometimes even my behaviour was slightly daft (Mama J’s making me write this section). We were walking down our road and we came across Watson, my handsome boyfriend. Instead of greeting in my usual friendly manner I barked at him. Then something went off in my brain and I realised it was Watson and I ran over to him and sniffed his nose lovingly. 
   The next incident happened when I decided to do a number two outside Noodle's house and World War Three nearly broke out. Noodle either heard Mama J cooing at me that I was a good girl for doing a poo or she sensed intuitively that I was there. With that barking ensued right at the moment Mama J was bagging up my doggie debris. I began spinning her around as I thought we were under attack as I couldn't figure out that the barking was coming from the other side of the gates. Mama J quickly moved me on to minimum safe distance and secured the bagged poo with a tight knot! Phew as we thought we were going to have a case of the flying s**t on our hands and paws!

SOAP DRAMA OF A SUPER SONIC HAIR RAISING VARIETY

Autumn is definitely in the air and oh yes blowing through my freshly cut hair. Granny decided that it was high time I had my quarterly trim and monthly bath. However I did quite enjoy looking like a member of Bon Jovi in the 1980s, crank the music up and I’m living on a prayer with lovely Jon! Now I say monthly bath however I last had one just before my holiday (yes the one that got ruined by Mama J’s childish rocking bed antics that weren’t fresh from the pages of Fifty Shades Of Grey) to the Lake District back in July. Although just so you don’t all think I’m some sort of doggie shampoo dodger, I do have almost daily dips in the kitchen sink just to keep my furry legs and my feminine areas clear of mud and other roadside obscenities. We live in a farming community I’ll let you guess what I’m talking about when I say obscenities. Oh my life is so full of glamour!
Mama J knows it is autumn too as her evening televisual entertainment just got cranked up a few hundred notches. She’s started drawing up a very studious spreadsheet on the computer as her brain is getting frazzled with the planning guide of what to watch and then what to tape. Eh don’t I sound old? Tape, sorry I mean record on the Freeview box. That or I’ll be going old school and getting myself on eBay to look for a Betamax video recorder that looked like something out of Star Wars. Oh with all his fine tutorship my Grandpa must be so proud of the furry granddaughter I’ve become in sourcing antique electrical items for his to reminisce over. Mind you This Morning did do a feature on retro goods and Mama J was tempted to buy herself a Sega Mega Drive to reconnect with Sonic The Hedgehog, as well as her youth.
Eastenders had Mama J’s blood pressure raised all last week with a gas explosion, Johnny getting shot, Jane nearly getting burnt like toast in her own restaurant, Bernadette having a miscarriage, an ambulance crash and oh yes Steven dying! My heart is racing now just typing my paws on this keyboard whilst thinking about the catalogue of disasters that Walford’s suffered. I’m a writer with many storyline ideas but one must think they could’ve saved a few ideas for this weeks episodes, there’s at least a months worth of telly they could’ve spun out there minus the sped up version accompanied by Benny Hill music! Okay so that last bit didn’t happen but was definitely a welcome figment in my imagination amongst all the high drama. 
   Mama J did have an offer of an evening in the village pub but please don’t telling the charming Landlord and Landlady, she turned Granny and Grandpa down to stay in and give me cuddles, which is very kind of her but she also wanted to see what happened next in Hollyoaks and Emmerdale. I like the way she blames it on me and my beautiful face however I know there are devious ulterior motives at play. I love her cheek and forgive though as I got lots of attention that evening while Granny and Grandpa were tasting the pub’s latest delicious curry offerings.
Now I’m signing this off until the beginning of October as Granny and Grandpa are going away to Spain for a glass or two of sangria and leaving me in charge of Mama J and her wellbeing. I need wishing all the luck in the world with this task as you all know what a diva she can be. I’ll be looking longingly at her and whipping her into shape again with my demands of three walks a day. Well, who said there can only be one diva in a household? 


WELCOME TO THE HOUSE OF CROCKS

So I have been the healthiest member of my family by an absolute square mile this week. Yes, that’s even with my epilepsy, minus eight teeth mouth and behavioural issues that at times towards other dogs would make the Lucifer look like the Angel Gabriel! Although Your Honour I’m improving walk by walk and day by day. I even managed an even tempered meeting with my arch frenemy yesterday afternoon which sent Granny into glowing raptures of sheer pleasure.
Mama J is still off work with her thyroid issues, violins playing Vivaldi at the ready if you please. Then not to be out done Granny started getting stomach pains and a sickie taste in her mouth. She blamed a dodgy fry up even though Mama J and Grandpa thoroughly enjoyed their eggs, bacons and the works with no ill effects. Ah there’s no accounting for needs of Granny’s fine dining palate.
   She started at about 6am on Wednesday feeling nauseous and went downstairs to get a glass of Diet Coca Cola. Although just to stop me getting sued for my biscuits, I must point out that other brands of coke do apply. There I’ve covered todays legal angle like the doggie version of Ally McBeal. Granny must’ve read a memo or an old wives tale that says fizzy pop is good for a dicky stomach as well as perking up the soul at times. Or is that tea? Anyhow she had her drink and came back to bed to rest with me until it was time for my walk. 
   Grandpa was up for work and had a momentary lapse of brain power (it’s his age, more on that later) and suggested that Mama J would have to walk me when she was up and dressed. Ah the only problem with that was that Mama J had been taking until lunchtime to settle her palpitations down and even if I promised to be on my best behaviour barking and bouncing wise the actual walking part of the walk might have caused an issue. Grandpa would probably have done his days work and gotten home by the time we ventured down the driveway.
   Granny had to go for it! She like Obi-Wan Kenobi was my only hope of feeling the breeze blowing through my wild hair and starting on other pooches in the area. Granny and I went gingerly down the road. She hoped we wouldn’t run into George Clooney as she was make-up less with her hair unwashed and looking a bit green around the gills. We made it out and back then Granny had to straighten Mama J’s bed before crawling into her own slumber for the day. Yes, folks at thirty-seven years and counting Mama J requires assistance with making up a bed properly. Now Granny does have exceptionally high standards, remember we did rename her Mrs Patmore but I don’t feel that chamber maiding would ever be a fine career choice for Mama J. The bed looked more ruffled with Mama J’s attention added than when she had just got out of it!
   With the bed sorted out and Granny safely tucked up and resting it was left to me to be quiet for the rest of the day. Have you ever heard of the Bjork song It’s Oh So Quiet? Now instead of loud musical instruments playing a merry tune when it got to the part where Bjork yells, “And so peaceful until!” I gave my best barking version of the jolly song, every time anybody meandered passed the living window. This was followed by Mama J’s dulcet tones going, “Elsie be quiet! Granny’s not well!” Fortunately for me poor Granny was asleep and undisturbed for most of the day and felt a lot better when she got up in the early evening.
Grandpa, not to be outdone by his girls went off to his karate class and his back told him he wasn’t as young as he thought. He was doing break kicks on the floor or was it meant to be a reenactment of Run-DMC’s It’s Like That video? Break kicking or break dancing it doesn’t really matter as today my Grandpa is a broken man with a broken back. Okay I might be exaggerating a little but you’ve got to play for the drama right? Mama J suggested pilates as a calmer alternative for muscular exercise rather than training to be the next Mr Miyagi. I think it definitely might be safer as the poor man is having trouble walking, standing, sitting and lying down right now! Oh to be young again eh Grandpa? So I’ve got my paws crossed and I’m thinking positive thoughts that we will have reached a turning point in the house of crocks. That or I’ll be looking online for a nurses uniform.


RIDING A TRICYCLE TO A DEEP FAT FRYER FULL OF YUMMY CHIPS

So Mama J has turned into a spending demon of late. Has she won the lottery again without telling me? I say again as the highest amount she has ever won was a very respectable £125, which isn’t bad but sadly isn’t going to have us cruising gangster rapper style in a Bentley. Oh I’m mixing up a beautiful mind montage of Mama J and I in matching Oakley sunglasses driving around looking for hot guys. Mine of the dog world and Mama J’s of… The dog world too! Um that doesn’t sound right however she doesn’t need or want a man anyway. Unless Idris Elba is free to come cruising with us, then he might be permitted to hitch a ride.

Now Mama J hasn’t being recreating the famous scene from Pretty Woman where Julia Roberts goes on a shopping spree, clothing wise. No, her spends have being much more focused than that. Firstly she got the idea of building a tricycle. Yes, she amended the Queen song slightly and wants to ride her tricycle, tricycle! This all happened about two weeks ago at about 5 o’clock in the morning. You can see where I get my random and creative thought processes from now can’t you? She has no prior knowledge of how to build even flat pack furniture let alone something as technical as a tricycle. However at 5.14am she had worked out that she would need to go to the DIY store and purchase some brightly coloured metal paint (well no one wants a dull and boring black tricycle do they) like you’d use on garden furniture to make her creation look pretty but also be weather proof. She’s ever the practical soul! 
   On getting up later that morning Mama J enthusiastically shared her idea with my extremely puzzled looking Granny, who I do believe was slightly worried about Mama J’s 5am sanity levels. Granny then pointed out that you can buy perfectly decent tricycles online these days instead of Mama J making the tricycle equivalent of Frankenstein’s monster. Mama J set about eBay in search of such a thing and found some totally spiffing ones indeed! 
   I must explain why Mama J wanted a tricycle and not a bicycle and this is purely for safety reasons. You see Mama J on two wheels wobbling around the roads of Britain would need more insurance than Richard Hammond needs to film his next The Grand Tour driving experience. It just makes the world a safer place. Oh then there’s the fact that when she was trying to master the art of riding a two wheel bike with the help of Grandpa for stability, every time something went wrong and ultimately she fell off it was Grandpa who was sadly in the firing line with diva cries of, “You’re trying to murder me!” She’s not dramatic at all is she? So you see a tricycle is much better than Grandpa ending up being accused again of a crime he didn’t commit.
   On looking further into these tricycles Mama J found some very cool looking fold up ones that were great for shed based storage purposes. The only factor that stood between Mama J and eventually purchasing one of these tricycles was the dreaded hallway test. Would she be able to get it from the back yard and down the hall without the removal of any walls? The answer from Grandpa’s tape measure was sadly, “No!” 
   Undeterred on her Tour De France cycling mission Mama J came up with another good idea, she’s just like Frank Spencer with her light bulb moments. This was a fold up exercise bike or to give it its proper name a Mini Pedal Exerciser. Mama J armed with Grandpa’s tape measure ran upstairs and measured the section between the floor and the bed and found that she had 7cm’s to spare. She then pressed buy on eBay and her cycling training accompanied by lifting weights began in ernest last Monday. By Tuesday she was struck down with a cold and by Friday she was sent home from work with palpitations and a fever. She’s had to have the entire weekend off work and has struggled with even basic tasks like getting dressed and more scarily than that putting make-up on. I thought Halloween had come early yesterday morning as she was so pale, she looked like she was auditioning for the cast of The Addams Family. In Mama J’s defence her illness isn’t all down to exercising like a lunatic as her thyroid medication has recently being tweaked by the hospital. Even so I do think sitting around watching soap operas might be a safer past time for Mama J than endurance exercising and being inspired by Chris Hadfield to go on the next series of Astronauts: Do You Have What It Takes? Well, that will be a no in Mama J’s case!
Mama J’s next exciting purchase was a mini deep fat fryer. It is like The Generation Game with me guessing what is going to come through the door next. Cuddly toy anyone? Oh the joy on Mama J’s face when she purchased her fryer was a sight to behold. Just think of the magic and wonderment of a child meeting Santa Claus for the first time. Her delight at not having to eat soggy oven chips at home again was just like visiting Narnia. Mama J has being warned by Granny that she will have to cook with and then clean her chip fryer out herself. However as a thirty-seven year old woman of the world, I’m sure with a showing of the ropes from Granny say a few hundred times, Mama J will one day in the very distant future perfect this trick altogether. Crispy chip anyone?