TURNING THE HAIR TINKY-WINKY PURPLE!

Mama J’s shower took on somewhat child like realms this morning. No, she hasn’t bought herself a rubber duck and started quacking like Donald. Nor has she found the showering equivalent of Mr Matey Bubble Bath on Boots shelves and thought she’d recapture bath time memories from her youth. Although I’m reckoning she has the potential to add another ten minutes onto her morning routine should she invest in these splashing activities. Now that really would mean she was in her ensuite all morning instead of just the usual hour and a half! Not that I’m saying she’s high maintenance. Heaven for bid, I’ll never get another doggie treat again if I start making those sort of accusations. No, her and Granny just like to gas while they are getting ready to set about the tasks of their day!
   So her shower turned into a purple version of The Incredible Hulk minus the rippling muscles and rage issues that would need a full on team of therapists to rectify. This is all thanks to Mama J’s new shampoo, which is looking after her newly light blonde bombshell hair colour. In between Mama J’s cooing of, “Oh my giddy Aunt Mary. I’m purple!” I could hear Prince’s ‘Purple Rain’ running around and around my overactive imagination. He only wanted to see you dancing in the purple rain. Well, Mama J thought we were all going to see her glowing in the purple dry! 
   With any new haircare product Mama J always goes a little bit over the top with her usage and this time was no exception. Her hands were full on purple and then the excess shampoo was running down her wet purple foamed body and all over the purple shower door, purple once white tiles and you’ve guess it, purple floor! All I could hear then was, “I’m going to come out looking like a Teletubbie!” Then her singing, “Tinky-Winky! Dipsy! Laa Laa and Po! Oh no! Teletubbies say HELLO!” 
   Fortunately once Mama J stepped out of the shower in-between her nails was the only part of her body where the remnants of the residual shampoo remained. Mama J’s Barney look was all but gone and she wasn’t going to have to go around all day looking like a Smurf dip dyed with purple paint. That’s such a shame as I do like the colour aubergine!
I thought Grandpa was going to blow a gasket and give himself a hernia last night. He was so enraged I thought he was going to throw his glass of Merlot across the living room at one point. What a crime against wine? Call the alcohol police someone before the carpet gets arrested by it! Was it the news about the attacks in Syria? Had one of Donald Trump’s Twitter rants sent him over the edge? Has he started getting passionate about football right at the end of the season and was disappointed that the team he had decided to support lost? Was he cross about animal abuse? No, to all of the above deeply troubling first world issues. This anger was over something far more upsetting than these problems. It was about BBC One’s ‘The Big Painting Challenge!’
   Grandpa is a very good artist and in his time has painted some famous landmarks, a cartoon car with myself, Marble, the families Cocker Spaniel at the time and Cedric, Mama J’s former rabbit in it and he’s also painted parts of the village where we live for community based charity auctions. However last night he took umbrage at the “artists” lack of artistic know how. He started ranting, “Look at that! They can’t even paint a f***ing dog!” Followed by, “What a hell is that meant to be?” They were trying to paint a woodland scene, which for some of the contestants was a simple challenge definitely too far! This was all under the tutorship of their mentors, who may I add set Grandpa off even further? “I couldn’t bloody stand being on this programme with those two “teaching” me to paint with my bloody knickers!” Well, one of the mentors looks and dresses like one of the Super Mario Bros., so I see Grandpa point that he hardly looks credible but would make an excellent guest at a fancy dress party, where computer game characters were the order of the day.
   Anyway Granny and Mama J were rolling around the sofa laughing, I was barking at the dogs they were unsuccessfully trying to paint and Grandpa was searching the Internet to look for an application form for next years series so he can go beat up Mario. Should make for entertaining telly when he pops up dressed as Bowser, King of the Koopa!





BOXING'S NEW GREAT HAS A BREW, LISTENS TO 'ED SHEERAN' ALL BY THE POWER OF GREY SKULL!

We were all happy Easter bunnies yesterday morning after the excellent Anthony Joshua boxing result on Saturday night. Mama J was particularly pleased for him as she believes he’s a real inspiration for young children, he’s respectfully confident in his abilities and always articulates himself well inside and more importantly outside of the ring… Oh yes and he may have been punched a few times in his career but he’s hardly been slapped with the ugly stick has he? 
   Mama J and Grandpa watched the pre-fight weigh-in and Grandpa was politely envious about Joshua’s physicality while Mama J just made the statement of, “Look at his beautiful guns!” She said this while reaching over the back of the sofa for the off switch on the radiator, fanning herself down with the TV guide and having Nelly’s ‘Hot In Herre!’ tune playing over and over in her mind. The next lyric to the song goes, “So take off all your clothes!” Anthony please don’t remove another item of clothing until I can move all four of my Yorkshire Terrier paws up the stairs and into Mama J’s ensuite to turn her showers dial onto ice mode and then throw her in it! 
   Following the fight Mama J was not very happy about Tyson Fury’s uncomplimentary comments about Anthony and decided that she would look for a boxing gym nearby and train up and defend his honour. Now that really is modern day chivalry at its best! I did point out that Mama J would have to eat/drink more than a packet of Belvita and a glass of semi-skimmed milk for her breakfast and she agreed that maybe upping it to full fat milk probably wouldn’t get her up to her 18 stone target. So she’s formulated another plan which is hiring a sumo suit and using her handbag as a make shift boxing glove, just so she can give it some more welly in the swing department. Well, it is a red leather bag so she might just get away with left upper cut, right handbag smack around the side of disrespectful Tyson’s temples! Anyway I’m in Mama J’s red corner cheering her on and if necessary stepping in to bite his balls with my minus eight teeth. Blow the belt? Somebody please distract the Referee! 

Mama J had a rare night out with her lovely friend on Friday evening. They went to see an Ed Sheeran tribute night which they both immensely enjoyed indeed. Mama J did however show herself up somewhat as the owner of the venue and friend of hers since her partying days, asked if Mama J and her friend would like another drink to which she replied, “I know it’s not very rock and roll but can I have a cup of tea?” He then jokingly bantered, “Are you having a chuffing laugh? You want a pot of tea?” Mama J then went into full on Grandma mode and explained that because of getting ready for ‘Ed’ she’d had to forgo her 5.30pm post work cuppa! Honestly it was like the modern day equivalent of the infamous, “I carried a watermelon!” line in Dirty Dancing.
   Next months tribute artist is Tom Jones and although Mama J loves his music she fears things may get a little bit too raucous audience wise for her. This is because the real Sir Tom Jones used to get knickers flung at him whenever he performed in his heyday. Imagine the scene if you dare… There’ll be ‘What’s New Pussycat?’ playing and ladies g-strings flying everywhere and Mama J flinging her multicoloured (well it is a Friday evening event so nobody wants to be wearing plain knickers do they) high legged M&S panties at the poor unsuspecting tribute artist!    
   Anyway ‘Ed’ was absolutely marvellous and Mama J agreed on discussing it with one of her friends the next day that tribute acts have to be at the top of their game performance wise. Gone are the days when you can don a white shoulder padded jumpsuit, gel your hair into a quiff and pretend to be Elvis. The audiences want a little more than that, such as a nice brew! Tea’s up folks!
While Mama J was out galavanting Granny, Grandpa and I were glued to Coronation Street and the watery demise of Pat Phelan. Yes, people stood at bus stops around the country, you really can stop talking about when he is ever going to get found out and get back to more interesting topics of conversations such as the British weather! 
   Before his extremely timely plunge into the sea, Pat was seemingly trying to resurrect a childhood favourite of Mama J’s, ‘He-Man and the Masters of the Universe’. We honestly thought he was going to draw his sword and shout out, “By the power of Grey Skull!”
 That or he’d told the script writing team that he fancied doing a Shakespearian play next and thought that practising some theatrical lines might do the trick in his next audition.
   Anyway I’m signing off now as don’t want to outstay my welcome just like the dastardly Phelan did. Following this post I’m off to help Gail and Eileen set up a “We Love Serial Killers” support group on Facebook. Should be interesting fun! 


BABYBEL'S STYLE INFLUENCES MY FRIDGE ENVY

After my motivational you can do anything/call to paws blog post I decided to exercise my rights to do absolutely nothing for a whole month and a bit. My paws and claws were tired from all the tippy tapping that is expected in the role of doggie blogging supremo, that I just wanted to chill out and eat cheese! Dairylea, Double Gloucester and Cheddar you may all apply to pass my beautifully undershot jawline. Of course not forgetting Babybel here. Come on everyone singalong with me to the adverts theme song… If you don’t know the words I’ll put them at the bottom of this post for your amusement and entertainment. May I add that sadly no I’m not getting sponsored for this cheesy post or rousing free for all tuneful racket but may get in touch with the oh circular red one to start such a cheese loving revolution?
Granny and Grandpa have been away since I last typed. Yes, they were leaving on a jet plane only they did know when they’d be back again and that was a whole four days later. So again I was left in my favourite position which was to be the boss of Mama J! Now I’m quite a kind mild mannered boss. So no thinking I’m like the super talented but totally ruthless Meryl Streep character in The Devil Wears Prada. The only similarity is I look just as fabulous in my stylish red heart encrusted collar and selection of winter coats as she did in her sharp suited and booted outfits. Being with me for a few days clearly encouraged Mama J on the style front. Well, I am such an influencer and trendsetter for all the pooches in my neighbourhood, so it was obviously going to rub off on the human front eventually too.
    Yes, Mama J was with me for a few days and on Granny and Grandpa’s return she went a little crazy! Spending on clothes and jewellery like she’d joined the bloody Kardashian family. We sat down as a family the other evening to watch an episode from 2016 and we girls of the Chelton household had total fridge envy! Yes, I know it’s a little bit strange to get envious of someones cold food storage area but then just think how many cans of Chappie you could have on standby! For a Yorkshire Terrier with my eyes firmly on the belly filling prize this was really no laughing matter. Grandpa was the only one not impressed by any of it as he thought they were quite frankly slightly dumb. Okay so I don’t think any of them will be joining Mensa’s Facebook page anytime soon but they’ve certainly used what talents they were given to great commercial effect. Now guys let’s all pose for an Instagram selfie!

One of Mama J’s purchases was a red coat which she is going wear exclusively, this sounds like a backstage access all areas event, for walking me. Well, of course Mama J has to keep up appearances when stepping out with The Cool One! If Jose Mourinho can claim The Special One title then I’m definitely having The Cool One! She found that she wanted to up her game as the weather, paws crossed gets warmer. Chance will be a fine thing after last weeks freezing cold temperatures here in Blighty. One morning my leg hair came back covered in snow balls and I didn’t even get the pleasure of throwing any rolled up white stuff! They were like cling ons, velcroing themselves to my body. A new version of the game Dart Ball perhaps? Anyway she will hopefully be updating her look from her Liam Gallagher circa 1990s parka coat to that of the children’s fable that is Little Red Riding Hood. A story book character as a style icon is a start I guess!
Anyway folks let’s finish as promised with the immortal words of, “Bab, bab, bab, bab, Babybel!”



DOGGED INSPIRATION

When Marble the Chelton family’s male Blue Roan Cocker Spaniel urged me to take over his comedy blog, I didn’t fully know what an undertaking it would be for a Yorkshire girl like me, especially since I had no writing experience to draw upon. Really how many dogs do you know with their own blogging empire who have multiple social media accounts to update on a daily basis? He clearly saw that even with my endearingly unusual undershot jawline and wild wild hair, that I would make a beautiful muse for Mama J’s camera loving antics. He had the foresight to know my poses would one day set the world of Instagram alight. He also was confident that my quirky personality and outspoken street nature would transfer into interesting and amusing tales for his wonderfully creative blog. I salute him every day for trusting me enough to let me take over the mantle and fulfil his readers need for a good old belly laugh.
I’m very different to how Marble was. He was a very chilled clown like figure whereas I’m an extremely feisty northern female who doesn’t take any messing from anything or anyone. From other pooches to aeroplanes flying in the skies above. I defended my Grandpa the other morning from an attacking (I believed it was going to) jet. So folks think Loose Women’s Janet Street-Porter of the doggie world and you wouldn’t be going far wrong.

Now nearly two years on my confidence has grown due to my family’s love and support and I feel secure enough to write every post thanks to being actively promoted to simply be myself. Yes, wonderfully brilliant and gloriously stunning, me! Mama J encourages me to bark out loud and proud, just not when Coronation Street is on the telly. She’s trained me that whenever I want to play all I have to do is run to my toy basket like a cheetah on speed and come back squeaking loudly into the living room with a toy and she’ll be ready and waiting for the fun to begin. I’ve developed my food foraging skills too that go along the lines of, I stare at the plate/my treat cupboard, give a paw then wait to be rewarded with tasty delights from any member of my clan. This plan is totally fool proof and always gets my belly the most excellent of results.

If like me you want to set up your own blog, go for it! Yes, being this naturally funny takes work and commitment but the pleasure I get from creatively entertaining you takes over from the momentary worry of getting writers block. I’ve worked hard at developing my use of the English language and for a dog that’s a real talent that I’ve had to hone here. I’ve learned the art of social media from tweeting to Face-booking and then everything from Instagram to Pinterest in between. I’ve taken my posing for the camera to epic supermodel levels and can now cast a critically self-assured eye over my pictures just to make sure they are suitable for Internet publication. I am boss lady of Mama J when writing this blog and I make sure she doesn’t go too crazy in her censorship of my words. Then I’m boss of the rest of my family too, wrapping them around my little Yorkshire Terrier paws.
So what ever you want to do with your life, if you do it with half the gusto that I do male or female, dog or cat and it doesn’t matter by the way, my advice would be go for it! As long as you have a thirst for knowledge and a passion for what you do, you’ll go far in life! Good luck and thank you for reading my paws crossed inspiring piece of writing about how far I’ve come due to my dogged determination mixed with talent and full on growth in confidence.  Remember you are fantastic!



IT WAS HARRY!

Last Monday my Granny and Grandpa went into the local city centre for a spot of retail therapy and Mama J went for a girlie morning filled with coffee, cake and a good old dose of putting the world to rights with her pals. I was not included in either of these two missions, so I threw a strop and did something more militant than The British Army all over the dining room floor!
   Two hours and twelve minutes after Mama J, just like Elvis left the building she returned home. Knowing what I’d done I thought I’d better show more enthusiasm than usual I dived up at her legs several times, catching her face with my tongue as she bent down to cuddle me. Once she had given me my, on entering the house periodic treat, she turned around to see wet yellow liquid all over the stone floor. “Elsie whose done this?” She asked in my general direction, which was now down the hallway to where I’d scurried. Now I had to think quickly on my paws so as not to get myself in trouble, especially since Mama J had an unhappy look on her face by this point. I replied in my Yorkshire Terrier way, “It was Harry.” I must explain that I haven’t acquired a new furry friend named Harry in the past two weeks. As if any other animal is getting their paws anywhere near my front doormat, never mind over the threshold of it. No, Harry was my Great Grandpa J’s imaginary friend who he used to entertain Mama J with when she was a child. Harry got the blame for Great Grandpa J knocking the Cornetto from Mama J’s hands on an afternoon walk, then for getting them lost for hours on end resulting in a severe case of sun stroke! I figured that surely Harry could take the blame for my wee Monday morning misdemeanour. Great Grandpa J and his Harry were seen as an eccentric “pairing” back in 1988 but these days I reckon Great Grandpa J might have been offered cognitive behavioural therapy at least for creating such a naughty character to blame his entertaining antics on.
   Anyway Harry went down a storm with Mama J as my very sharp and witty answer rewarded me with a large cuddle and another walk that afternoon. She’s such a soft touch. I thank my family for telling me tales of Harry, as he got me out of a sticky and awkward spot there.

Mama J got her own back on me. Don’t worry folks she didn’t pee pee on the floor then make me clear it up. No, it was a far worse “treat” than that. Her and Grandpa took me to the Vets for my booster and I was on a warning to be on my best behaviour before we got there. This was all because Granny had heard a rumour that veterinary royalty had joined the practice, this was in the form of Julian Norton from The Yorkshire Vet.
   I was given an extra brush before I went to make sure I was presentable and camera ready should a film crew be in attendance when we arrived. Sure enough when we got into the waiting room there were signs all around the reception area saying that Channel 5 were filming there that day and to call a telephone number if you didn’t wish to be filmed. Mama J and Grandpa looked at each other and then gritted their teeth in anticipation of a microphone being thrust in their faces. However there was no camera crew in sight at the point in which I entered the treatment room and was greeted by a lady Vet and not the star of the show, Julian. Honestly I want a refund, they told me this was my big television break! First The Yorkshire Vet then five nights a week on Emmerdale! I’ve been bloody robbed of stardom!
   Once in the room the Vet tried her best to make “friends” with me. However as I’ve told you before I think The Speakman’s need to be given a call to try and sort out my PTSD teeth related traumas before I ever make mates with any Vets. She tried to offer me a biscuit which I turned my nose up at and then she tried coming at me from behind Grandpa’s back with the needle to see if she could quickly inject me with my inoculation without me even realising. All attempts failed and I had to be Hannibal Lecter-ed in the end with an extremely fetching muzzle. Once she’d given me my jab I gobbled up the biscuit that Grandpa had placed on the floor in front of me and then ran towards the door for freedom.
   As we were leaving the Vets we saw a pick-up truck with a few people stood around taking notes and then yes you’ve guessed it, Julian was there giving a speech to these people who were obviously student Vets. Mama J and Grandpa rushed me up the road as in the back of the truck was a sheep that they thought I might “start on”. Well, anything to get on the telly! Any publicity good or bad is fine by me in my quest for fame!



CREATING A CHRIS FOUNTAIN OF KNOWLEDGE

So instead of blowing on a party horn where a piece of rolled up paper comes bolting out, I’m going to give a noisy squeak on my new ginger bread man toy and say, “Happy New Year! Welcome to 2018!” If you are anything like myself and my family, you’ll be all partied out and ready to curl up on the sofa for the rest of January with a large dose of The Voice UK and Dancing On Ice for company. 
   I must point out that Dancing On Ice’s return to our television screens was met with some trepidation on Mama J’s part, as it’s a very touchy subject indeed. No, Mama J doesn’t want to become an overnight celebrity sensation and is dreaming of swirling around the sub-zero studio floor. I really don’t think A&E could cope with all the disasters that would unfold with her being paired up with ice skates, trying in vain to learn to the dance steps in a skating show piece routine. The truth is Mama J just can’t move on from the fact that Chris Fountain was beaten by Suzanne Shaw in the 2008 final! Yes, folks that’s a whole ten years of Mama J ranting that the wrong person won the show. According to Mama J all Suzanne did was fly around like Tinker Bell instead of skating. ITV bringing the popular programme back hasn’t helped my families ears, as it’s just intensified the moaning to a red hot fever pitch level that would melt the polar ice caps never mind the studio ice rink where the programme is transmitted from. Oh dear if the right person in Mama J’s humble opinion doesn’t win this year I fear Holly, Phil, Chris, Jayne, Jason and Ashley will be getting unimpressed tweets galore. Well, Ashley Banjo might get more favourable ones though as Mama J does think he’s rather tasty on the looks front and wouldn’t wish to upset him in any way.
So Mama J has taken to 2018 like a duck to water. On January the first she was like a woman on a Bear Grylls style mission, sorting out cupboards and paper files. First the bedside table next job the world!
   With this spring cleaning attitude in full flow Mama J decided to take Granny and Grandpa’s wise and worldly advice and spring clean her brain cells as well, by taking advantage of some of the online courses that were on offer at generously discounted rates. Off she went up the stairs to see what she could find to study. Firstly she found a course on crystals and clairvoyance. Now I do think Mystic Mama has a very cool ring to it but I think Mama J would prefer watching Julia Roberts in Mystic Pizza much more than learning about future ventures that probably won’t ever take place. Looking into my crystal ball I reckon there maybe more worthy things to spend your hard earned cash on and could be more profitable long term Mama J, like a lottery ticket for example. 
   Next came a course in sign language, which Mama J already has a head start on as a number of years ago now her friend taught how to sign bugger off. I’ll show you at the end of this post as I don’t want you to bugger off just yet.

Finally she decided to try something slightly off piste, no they haven’t invented an online skiing course just yet, she decided to learn interior design. I think the fact that she had divine inspiration in Dunelm when looking up at the ceiling, having ordered a chair already and not knowing what to do as the chair in front of her really was just so much more beautiful than the one that was coming her way. Well, this and the fact that she’s harmonised the look of the bedroom to perfection really swung it for her and created the idea of being the next Kelly Hoppen in her creative mind!
   So Mama J paid the knockdown price of £19 for the Groupon advertised course and began learning about colour wheels, symmetry, asymmetry and Bauhaus styling. She steamed through the course within a few days of her holiday and declared never to use any of the information she had soaked up ever again. 
Not to be deterred and with her newly developed thirst and hunger for learning, Mama J has now signed up for a digital marketing course and is already about to embark on section four after helping me edit this, even if I do say so highly humorous post. I’m going to feel the benefits of this course so she tells me, as Mama J is going to start tweaking my social media accounts whether I like it or not. Now I might just throw a creative diva strop if the courses tips and I don’t see eye to eye. I am the master of this blog and I, just like my Grandpa with his new hand me down iPhone don’t enjoy technological change in life.

Following the marketing course Mama J has had another light bulb, blue sky thinking idea and is going to do a dog training course, then she’s going to impart all the information on to me so I can write a manual on how to train your dog! Oh just think of all the mischievous pooches roaming the streets with their hapless owners not having a clue what to do once they’ve followed the subliminal messages from my book! Feed me treats… Okay whatever you want my beauty, I am under your command! Now waving my paws in full sign language fashion to let you know, you can bugger off now until next week!


CRIMINAL ELEMENTS AT CHRISTMAS

Since returning from her haircut and a very interesting chat with her good friend and Hairdresser, Mama J has being introducing herself to Birmingham’s most notorious residents. Following her lunch last Thursday off she went upstairs to crank up her laptop to get herself acquainted with some very naughty underworld boys indeed. Now you maybe thinking what in the hell has Mama J got herself into this time? Has she joined an online dating site for the most criminal elements of society? A catchy site title could be Arrested By Love. Although if such a website is ever formulated I want copyrights, as people you read it here first that possibly jail birds have hearts to fill with love too. Um ah okay so we could just be pushing the boundaries here a little too much here. No, please don’t worry Mama J has just started watching the hit television series Peaky Blinders.
   On first tuning in Mama J’s initial analysis to Granny was that, “Tommy Shelby is far too good looking to be a gangster. He looks like a bloody model!” Mama J said she was looking forward to Tom Hardy joining the cast in series two as he looks a bit rougher around the edges and Mama J reckoned he’d be more capable in a dust up situation. Granny who has watched all the episodes of Peaky Blinders reassured her that Cillian Murphy was more than up to the gangster task and as Mama J has progressed through series one she can now see this too. I’m sure the Casting Director is breathing a sigh of relief that Mama J is happy with the job he’s done in casting the wonderful and yes extremely good looking Cillian.
Now Mama J’s gangster knowing credentials are quite high as she once met The Krays… Actor Martin Kemp when he was doing a personal appearance in a local nightclub. At the time Martin was playing another shady character in the form of Eastenders, Steve Owen. Mama J says Martin Kemp is charm personified. In fact she says the following lines every time he is on the telly, “I met Martin kemp and he was utterly lovely. Such a nice and charming man!” So yes that was every time the SCS advert came on the television with Martin posing dutifully on the sofas and earlier this year, every time he appeared on the BBC talent show Let It Shine alongside (now cue my X Factor voice over impression) GARY BARLOW!
She has also met another screen gangster in the form of Emmerdale star Cain Dingle, Actor Jeff Hordley who according to Mama J, was also an extremely charming man too. This event took place in the same nightclub that she met the utterly lovely Martin which happily for the soap police has now shut down.
Speaking of gangsters, I actually think I could be a doggie version as I run my manor with an iron paw and a bark so fearsome that other dogs run the other way when I go out for my twice daily strolls around my gaff. I have developed such a large reputation around my village that everyone politely but nervously kept asking Mama J how I was doing when she attended a neighbour’s Christmas party at the weekend. That’s it, be nice to my Mama J and no pooch or person will get hurt. I’m smiling as I’m typing this as I’m a big softy when I’m at home, honest.
So all that is left for me to do is to say thank you so much for following my fun filled antics this year and wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I’ll be back in January to tell you all about my festive activities.